New here and desperate for some help/advice!

[confusedtears]

Hello everyone,

I am new here so I'm sorry if this is in the wrong place/I say the wrong thing.

I am looking for some advice about something I'm going to do this weekend. I am meeting a very old friend to play out my force/rape/control fantasy.

I don't want to go in to details here (unless necessary) but I was raped as a child so I am very conscious that I need to be totally aware of what is likely to happen/what I'm likely to feel and any tips and tricks!

I suppose the question to start with is, what safe words do you use? I'd like to be able to have a 'slow down' word as well as a 'stop and stop now' word. And do you find that when things get too serious you CAN remember to use your safe words? I don't want him to keep checking up on me because obviously my fantasy is not involving him being soft! But at the same time for my mental health it's important for me to feel safe if I panic.

Any ideas?! I hope this is an ok thread.

Love, confusedtears xx

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Traffic lights:

Green is go

Yellow is slow down/hold on a minute/hang on I need to move my foot before you break my ankle by kneeling on it

Red is stop

 

[BertrandRussell]

I agree with the traffic lights. They are simple, and you can't forget them, even in a very stressful or confusing situation. Note that yellow is not merely for resolving pysical problems, but for spur-of-the-moment negotiations.

In addition, have ground rules about what is acceptable and what is not.

 

[confusedtears]

Wow, quick reply, thank you!

That's a great idea-I suppose green could also be used for me to tell him it's ok to up the intensity.

Do you find (if it's ok to ask) that you do remember to use them when needed? Xx

 

[confusedtears]

Thank you BertrandRussel. We have talked about it in depth, he knows exactly what he can do and what I can't cope with-although in the heat of the moment I may be able to take more, I don't know. Good point about on the spot negotiations!

He has also agreed to tie me to 'quick release' ties (never thought my horses would be so useful...!) so that if I'm struggling a little I'm still tied but if I panic I will be able to snap myself free.

Not really doing the submission thing very well am I...

 

[bhndblueyes88]

Not really doing the submission thing very well am I...

What makes you think that? Or think that you need to? Do what makes you happy, chica. Don't worry about how "well" you're doing it

 

[confusedtears]

I am trying to control every tiny detail....! Haha.

It's important to me to 'reprogramme' what happened to me at 12 in my head. I struggle to believe it wasn't my fault, and ignore his words that I was enjoying it. I want to enjoy every moment, reenact all the hideous acts he did and actually enjoy them this time.. I need the clear boundary between what he did, and my sexual pleasure as an adult.

Xx

 

[bhndblueyes88]

I am trying to control every tiny detail....! Haha.

It's important to me to 'reprogramme' what happened to me at 12 in my head. I struggle to believe it wasn't my fault, and ignore his words that I was enjoying it. I want to enjoy every moment, reenact all the hideous acts he did and actually enjoy them this time.. I need the clear boundary between what he did, and my sexual pleasure as an adult.

Xx

Perhaps, but I think it's important to set clear boundaries as well. Particularly in your situation. Even if we were to say you're not doing the "submission thing well", I think you're doing what you're wanting to do well. Whether or not your submitting isn't whats important. I just hope you have fun and gain what you want from the experience

 

[confusedtears]

I think it's going to be too much.. We've talked about fisting, dp, forced orgasms, spanking, use of toys etc. Will just have to see how we go. Traffic light idea is fabulous.

Hmm now knickers are all wet..!

 

[Kurokami]

He has also agreed to tie me to 'quick release' ties (never thought my horses would be so useful...!) so that if I'm struggling a little I'm still tied but if I panic I will be able to snap myself free.

Not really doing the submission thing very well am I...

That's a good idea, but I'd warn you to be a bit careful if you do end up having to break free. If you pull too hard the force might carry on and someone might end up getting wanged on the head. It's a silly image, I agree, but when I was first learning how to tie things down properly sometimes my knots weren't great and, in the heat of the moment, they'd break and send my love's hand up into my face.

I wish you luck on a problem-free time, though!

 

[midwestyankee]

I think it's going to be too much.. We've talked about fisting, dp, forced orgasms, spanking, use of toys etc. Will just have to see how we go. Traffic light idea is fabulous.

Hmm now knickers are all wet..!

I'm beginning to get the idea now that you two are doing a scene for the first time together and you're both anxious to taste everything in the buffet line on your first trip through.

I strongly, strongly, strongly recommend that you stick with just the soup and the fish this time. If you have a great, or even good, time together then there will be other times when you can sample the beef burgundy and the Swedish meatballs. And if this time doesn't go well, you might be able to salvage the relationship with a different set of fun kinky things to do the next time around.

I made the mistake once of thinking that we'd be trying eleventeen different kinky practices in one night together and while we really did have a helluva good time, I came away disappointed because I hadn't gotten very far down the buffet table before we were both exhausted and needed to sleep. It took me a while to figure out what had gone wrong and how to fix it.

If I'm reading you right here, you could be setting yourselves up for major disappointment that's completely avoidable.

 

[confusedtears]

Ah, you see, he moves to a different country on Sunday.. For good. And he wants to heal me before he goes. (I want him to too)

I will try to remember not to be disappointed if we don't get too far. Thank you

Ps practically wet myself laughing at the mental image of me breaking free and smacking him in the face!! I think maybe we might start with metaphorical tying rather than actual ropes, to see how I cope.

Im so excited I might scream.. But so nervous. Hope the nerves will go away when we get going. Xx

 

[bhndblueyes88]

I'm beginning to get the idea now that you two are doing a scene for the first time together and you're both anxious to taste everything in the buffet line on your first trip through.

I strongly, strongly, strongly recommend that you stick with just the soup and the fish this time. If you have a great, or even good, time together then there will be other times when you can sample the beef burgundy and the Swedish meatballs. And if this time doesn't go well, you might be able to salvage the relationship with a different set of fun kinky things to do the next time around.
.

Shut. Up. You are making me. so. hungry. -.-

 

[midwestyankee]

Ah, you see, he moves to a different country on Sunday.. For good. And he wants to heal me before he goes. (I want him to too)

I will try to remember not to be disappointed if we don't get too far. Thank you

Ps practically wet myself laughing at the mental image of me breaking free and smacking him in the face!! I think maybe we might start with metaphorical tying rather than actual ropes, to see how I cope.

Im so excited I might scream.. But so nervous. Hope the nerves will go away when we get going. Xx

RED FLAG ALERT

He will not heal you. No one can heal you, least of all some guy with whom you've never been intimate but now that he's leaving the country wants to fuck your brains out under the guise of doing some Forgotten Uber Cosmic Kinky therapy.

Only you can heal yourself and I am personally highly skeptical that your new Freud with a raging hardon will be able to help you along that healing path.

 

[eve_bound]

Ah, you see, he moves to a different country on Sunday.. For good. And he wants to heal me before he goes. (I want him to too)

I will try to remember not to be disappointed if we don't get too far. Thank you

Ps practically wet myself laughing at the mental image of me breaking free and smacking him in the face!! I think maybe we might start with metaphorical tying rather than actual ropes, to see how I cope.

Im so excited I might scream.. But so nervous. Hope the nerves will go away when we get going. Xx

Hi,

Please check out "sub drop" - what it is and how to deal with and also "after care".

I'm also very new to BDSM and I can tell you that it's essential to know what you may very well experience after the scene, particularly if your friend is not going to be around (in another country no less) and this is a one off.

I can understand the desire when someone is very willing and the belief that this will make you heal. From my own experience it can be healing, but it's also a journey and a very difficult one at that. I feel like I need to point out that healing is also extremely painful.

If you are looking at this as therapeutic, then think about how dismantling and deconstructing that can be when it's dealing with highly intense wounds. It's not an overnight fix. You will need to have some self care and support. At the very least self support.

I'm saying this because I had no clue I would go through this when I embarked on my relationship and experienced sub drop and thought I was coming apart at the seams - it was humiliating and terrifying from an emotional standpoint because things were coming up for me that I'd never felt before. I had no idea this would happen.

It's actually how I found this site - looking up symptoms I was going through. I'm in a LDR with Sir and during a short period where we couldn't connect because of work reasons, after an intense scene, I freaked. It was awful.

All the best to you.

 

[eve_bound]

RED FLAG ALERT

He will not heal you. No one can heal you, least of all some guy with whom you've never been intimate but now that he's leaving the country wants to fuck your brains out under the guise of doing some Forgotten Uber Cosmic Kinky therapy.

Only you can heal yourself and I am personally highly skeptical that your new Freud with a raging hardon will be able to help you along that healing path.

I have to agree with that. Some clear thinking.

 

[HottieMama]

RED FLAG ALERT

He will not heal you. No one can heal you, least of all some guy with whom you've never been intimate but now that he's leaving the country wants to fuck your brains out under the guise of doing some Forgotten Uber Cosmic Kinky therapy.

Only you can heal yourself and I am personally highly skeptical that your new Freud with a raging hardon will be able to help you along that healing path.

Quoted for Truth!!

 

[confusedtears]

Hi everyone. Thank you for being so honest it's really important.

I guess. I'm just desperate to get some control back. I'm so desperate to stop hurting.

I was hoping that I can change the memories... Make my mind remember nice, pleasuring fingers, not his filthy ones.. I want to replace the flashbacks with happier thoughts.

Oh i don't know what to do. I've told him I will now.

 

[Stella_Omega]

A lot of people have tried this. Sometimes with success, sometimes not successfully.

Is there a reason that you chose this guy? Is the fact that he's taking off afterwards part of the reason? I kind of worry about it, myself. Contact afterwards makes a lot of difference.

have you had any sort of talk therapy regarding your rape? perhaps we can help you find other support -- quite a few people here have emotional issues.

 

[confusedtears]

A lot of people have tried this. Sometimes with success, sometimes not successfully.

Is there a reason that you chose this guy? Is the fact that he's taking off afterwards part of the reason? I kind of worry about it, myself. Contact afterwards makes a lot of difference.

have you had any sort of talk therapy regarding your rape? perhaps we can help you find other support -- quite a few people here have emotional issues.

Hi,

I have chosen him because we are very emotionally attached,,, he was my v first boyfriend (so the first person to touch me, you know, after..). So at the time he was there. Then recently I've been hit with a lot of flashbacks and pretty sick stuff and he's been there, never once judging or anything. We also slept together in a more vanilla way a few months ago, and for a more materialistic point of view he made me cum like a steam train and we only stopped because I was terrified how my body was reacting.

I don't know what to do

I am in fairly intensive therapy at the moment, I can't seem to reprogramme my brain though. Xx

 

[bhndblueyes88]

I am in fairly intensive therapy at the moment, I can't seem to reprogramme my brain though. Xx

I'm sure you may feel uncomfortable doing so, but have you spoken about this to your therapist? Even if you don't want their opinion or "permission", they still should know about this since, regardless of what specifically happens, it is going to affect your treatment. It could be they have some input for you that could help as well. It is kind of their job.

 

[confusedtears]

I am hoping i will be strong enough to tomorrow xx

 

[bhndblueyes88]

I am hoping i will be strong enough to tomorrow xx

I really recommend that you do. Your therapist might not agree with your decision, but if he/she doesn't, it's probably for a good reason and I hope you keep that under consideration. Otherwise, I really hope this works out for you and doesn't make things worse in the end. I hope your therapy goes well

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

I am hoping i will be strong enough to tomorrow xx

Given your history and the triggering you are risking, it is so important that you set up a solid foundation of support to lean on should you need it. Sometimes, it is not about making the choice to be strong, wounds are wounds and scar tissue acts and reacts much differently than regular skin. If he will not be available for support following, you need to make sure you fill that gap with some warm understanding place to decompress, rest, and recover no matter the outcome.
These needs for emotional support may, and most likely will extend past what is appropriate for your therapists scope of care, so please make sure you have other people in your RL to lean on should you need it. I do agree that your therapist needs to be brought in on what you are planning to do because of its potential psychological effects. It is far more important to keep you safe, so do not let the reasons you wouldn't want to tell you counselor about it stop you from protecting a very beautiful and important you. Please above all, take good care of yourself.

 

[confusedtears]

Ohh curious in Cali you made me cry lol! *sniffles*

I will try to speak to her tomorrow. But she will hugely disagree.

Scar tissue is a huge worry. Xx