New girlfriend orgasm issue

[M's girl]

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[M's girl]

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[PertPerth]

I like it too when he jerks himself off with me present. I like to watch him and that is a huge turn on for him too. But I have to also touch him, just can't seem to keep my hands to myself then

Ditto! Fortunately my BF has no problem with me watching him.

Is it the not being comfortable for you? Or shy?

I'm shy. It was only a few years ago that I was too shy about my body/self that I wouldn't even walk around the house nakie - when no one else was in the house! My first orgasm was only a couple of years ago (I'm 28) so it's all still a bit "new". One of the big things that makes me cum is to pant (ie very short-sharp breaths). I think I sound silly...so have a hard time to relax and do it in front of my BF. Making choo-choo-train noises isn't exactly sexy!

 

[SensualCealy]

Speaking completely from experience.
Being with the same person for almost 23 yrs I have only had 3, yes 3 orgasms during love making. All others are self induced or manual stimulation by him.

If she isnt relaxed it wont work- trust me!
I like the idea that was posted about the sensual massage, by doing this, getting her as hot as possible then letting her take control once you get to the bedroom should be enough to set her off. I always found I could reach orgasm alot easier by being on top. You find that right spot and go with it.

My suggestion:

Before that night, buy two or three body lotions, maybe some chocolate paint, some warming oil and put in a nice basket to have on hand to where you will be doing all this.

Set the mood, candles, soft music, scents that make her relax such as vanilla, amber, sandlewood. Have enough to go around the apartment/house.

Make her your most famous dish, so long as she likes those foods. Set the table nicely, doesnt have to be expensive, if you are young, try the second hand store. You can pick up a service for two, wine glasses and even silverware, dont forget a nice table cloth- yes CLOTH, no plastic allowed.
Have the table set with Candles as well, and ask her in advance what her favourite flowers are, buy them and make a centre piece. If you dont have a vase, look at the second hand store or use a jar, just remove the label first!

Have all the music set up in advance, when dinner is finished refill her wine glass and move to the sofa/couch and get romantic. If you really want to treat her, put on some slow dance music. Alot of guys wouldnt do this so another bonus for you. By dancing it will set the mood, and encourage further play.

This is where the wine and forplay will come in to focus. Start the kissing and continue to get farther and farther into it. Keep in mind, sex and love making for women is ALL IN THE MIND! If we dont feel it or think it, it WONT happen.

Once the two of you get really hot and bothered, move to the bedroom. This is where you will have your basket on hand. Start by slowing things down, alot. Lay her on the bed and seduce her, then slowly remove her top and start the oiling process. It wont be long and her bottoms will be off and you can continue on the rest of her body. NOTICE, I havent said anything about penetration yet!

The longer you prolong it with the romance and touch factor, the better off she will be. You make her feel loved, and get her ready to be made love to the better it will be for both of you.

You will most likely see a change in her mood, she may even try to take charge, dont let her, keep things slow, this will only increase her desire.

When you know you cant go any further, start on top, then roll her over and let her take over. She can find the 'right' spot and can set the pace. This also frees up your hands to play with all other areas, she may need extra stimulation below or may have really sensitive nipples for you to play with while she is working on the rest.

Just remember, when she does let it go, dont be surprised if she tears up, its pretty emotional if you havent ever orgasmed before. Hold her tight and who knows, maybe by cuddling, it may spark try number 2!

Good luck,
C

 

[SweetErika]

When it comes to being stimulated (hands or oral) the biggest issue is that I go from "yes yes yes" to "can you please stop now" in a very short amount of time. Usually it's because he's bored and changes what he's doing. Find out what she likes - and don't stop! It might be boring for you...not for her.

I used to be like that. One problem was that he wasn't that interested and didn't really listen and respond to my feedback (though I stopped trying to give good feedback early on, and until a few years ago because he always just did his own thing ).

Another was that I didn't know I needed breaks to resensitize and refocus. Something can feel fantastic, and then it just changes slightly or I get distracted or my body sort of shuts down; from that point on, it doesn't matter what he does because it's not going to work. So, I stop him, we relax or do something else for a few minutes, and when we start again, the pleasure returns, usually stronger than it was before my switch flipped. This also gives him a break and he restarts with renewed interest and enthusiasm.

I'm very clear about when he should and should definitely not change a thing or stop.

Still, I have to be in the right place to orgasm from oral especially, and that state is elusive. Oral's another one of those things that people tend to tout as a sure-fire way to make women come, when it's not, at all. I find it very enjoyable (with the right partner), but it takes A LOT of communication and practice, and even then an orgasm is more of a bonus than a sure bet.

I say this because it was really nice to hear I wasn't a freak for not coming from oral (then, ever; now, that often) when I joined Lit. I think it's great when people can be honest about this kind of stuff; I get the feeling that not many are, and there's always someone out there who can be helped by the truth.

 

[M's girl]

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[kimbernee]

We're all different which is why someone who's never orgasmed at all before should start with masturbation. Once she knows how to make herself come, she can teach you. If she's never come before she doesn't know (and you don't know and we don't know) if she needs pressure or speed or gentleness or oblique touch or more g-spot stimulation. M's Girl and I, for instance, couldn't be more opposite in what we want or need, so even though both of us might give you the best advice we have, at least one of us, and possibly both of us, would be wrong with respect to your girl.

Encourage her to try everything on her own. There's a great site out there somewhere that lists all the different ways readers have written in about masturbating. Start at the top and work down until you get there.

 

[M's girl]

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[SensualCealy]

We're all different which is why someone who's never orgasmed at all before should start with masturbation. Once she knows how to make herself come, she can teach you. If she's never come before she doesn't know (and you don't know and we don't know) if she needs pressure or speed or gentleness or oblique touch or more g-spot stimulation. M's Girl and I, for instance, couldn't be more opposite in what we want or need, so even though both of us might give you the best advice we have, at least one of us, and possibly both of us, would be wrong with respect to your girl.

Encourage her to try everything on her own. There's a great site out there somewhere that lists all the different ways readers have written in about masturbating. Start at the top and work down until you get there.

But if she makes a habit out of it, that will be the only way she can do it too!
C

 

[southernsky]

The only thing I know that will ruin my chances of orgasming every single time is my partner giving indication that they are rushed and aren't going to see my pleasure through until the end, or at least until I say "no more". Don't give her any indications that may make her think you're pressuring her.

 

[Dreamliner]

Just adding from a male perspective, start tuning into your girlfriend. Sense her desires, they will be situational dependent. Also, start out days before, your brain is your best friend here. Your brain is your largest sexual organ as it is her's, use it.

 

[perfect_deb]

Ditto! Fortunately my BF has no problem with me watching him.


I'm shy. It was only a few years ago that I was too shy about my body/self that I wouldn't even walk around the house nakie - when no one else was in the house! My first orgasm was only a couple of years ago (I'm 28) so it's all still a bit "new". One of the big things that makes me cum is to pant (ie very short-sharp breaths). I think I sound silly...so have a hard time to relax and do it in front of my BF. Making choo-choo-train noises isn't exactly sexy!

i find i need to hold my breath! passing out is not good either

i had a bad experience in my teens (well not exactly bad) bf was playing with me while i was sitting on his work bench - i came and sqirted as well - i thought i'd pee'd on him and was mortified! so i didnt orgasm again for about 15 years! it took a lot of patience from my husband to get over the mental block - now i just have to get over the sqirting mental block!

 

[mjl2010]

I just recently started a relationship with a lady in her early 20s who has never had an orgasm before. I have never had a girl that had this issue before. I try and tell her to not think about it, but no go. Anyone have any ideas? i almost feel useless...haha

I would say the biggest problem, without knowing more about her, is that you are too focused on it. If you read everything Erika and M's girl and maybe a couple of others have said, you should know that first of all, it's probably not going to happen every time.

Secondly, Telling her to not to focus on it, is going to have just the opposite effect. Eventually, she's just going to give up and start faking it. A serious shame if you ask me.

Here's the blunt version.

Us guys can't win. If we don't do our best to get her off, we're selfish pricks. If we try too hard until it gets to the point where she is uncomfortable with it, then we're assholes because we expect her to get off.

Let her know that it is ok with you if she's had enough of your trying and just wants to get it on. In a nice way of course that doesn't make it sound like you're being a selfish prick. See blunt version above.

If it works for you both, then maybe over a quiet dinner alone you might bring it up. "hey love, i've been thinking a little and I know that usually gets me in trouble but, here's the thing. I'm worried I'm not doing what I should be doing when we make love. Am I making it good for you? Because I really want to, you know? And if I'm not, I wish you'd help me out a little." Something like that might be good. You have to figure out what will work for you both.

Then when it's time to try out the new "make her cum until she squirts info" (<--joke) don't make a big deal out of it. Just relax. Give it a shot. Since you talked earlier, she might even help you along. And if it doesn't work out that time, it probably isn't as big a deal for her as it is for you. And relax is the key phrase here. Relax. Do your best and she'll love you for that. Afterwards when you're laying there, go bring her a rose and single piece of her favorite chocolate so she knows you love her. Melt her heart and you'll never go wrong. I promise you.

MJL

 

[M's girl]

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[emptynester]

That was funny Maybe I should learn how to pray? What do you think?

I was brought up to believe it was disrespectful to say "Oh God" so that has never been a part of my vocabulary until now. I laugh at myself with some of the sounds I make or things I mutter during my moment/moments.

It took me a while to get used to it and relax about it. In the beginning when he would laugh or chuckle about something I said or a noise I made, it was a deal breaker. Then he reassured me he thought it was awesome and a huge turn on for him. That made it OK in my mind and I quit worrying about it and just let whatever happen.

I know I have a 1000 inhibitions. I don't know why. I can talk about sex. I am not ashamed to say I like sex. I know what I like and I know VERY well how to get myself off. I have loved my share of men but I have never been able to completely let go, no matter how much I trusted and loved them.

Honestly M, if you really knew me the first 26 years of my married life, you would be stunned at the new me now. It still amazes me.

Talk about inhibitions. I was never one to stand naked in front of my husband, have sex with the light on, try anything other than missionary, enjoy oral of any kind to name just a few.

Whatever flipped my switch, also replaced the breaker. There is nothing that flips off now and says no or has to be reset.

I have not "loved my share of men," was never comfortable talking about sex (brought out too many insecurities) and knew absolutely nothing about "getting myself off." You seem so far ahead in the game.

I have only been intimate with hubby and it still took me a very LONG time to be able to let go and trust him completely. It is such a personal thing. I can still let insecurities creep in at times.

I know it is a confidence issue on my part. I know what the problems are there but it's so hard to let go of them.

That is soooo true. It is totally a confidence issue. I had no confidence in my abilities as far as sex goes and even less with regard to my physical appearance. If I allowed myself to glance in the mirror before getting in the shower, I was repulsed at myself. How could I possibly think I could be a turn on for him.

The weight loss for me was definitely what started all of this. I still don't see myself like I think others do. I had to show my drivers license for identification at the store the other day. This young girl (about the age of one of mine) made the comment that my picture didn't even look like me. There were people in line behind me and she just kept going on and on about it. I was totally embarrassed and just wanted to get the heck out of there. I thought about it later and realized it is because I still don't see myself as looking that much different and still have issues with my looks at times. I will never see myself as thin and laugh when people say, don't lose too much. In my mind that could never happen.

Anyway, back to the topic of orgasms. LOL To the OP, if your girlfriend is like most of us women, conditions (for lack of a better word) have to be just right for us to really experience that elusive "Big O." IMO, and only an opinion, it takes a lot of confidence, trust and the ability to totally relax with no outside distractions, along with patience on the man's part, for us to achieve that goal.

It seems unfair that a man can have a thought and immediately be ready willing and able to go for it. Women can have a thought, fantasize about it, even feel the panties get a little wet, but have to totally work at it (while still being totally relaxed of course) to arrive at that same point (if we are lucky) an hour or so later.

My advice, for what it is worth, is to not stress out about it. Enjoy the sex. Pleasure one another. Get to know her likes and dislikes and tell her yours. Again, IMO, it takes getting to know someone really well and being totally comfortable with each other in every way in order to make it happen for her time after time. As I am sure you have read from many of the posts to your thread, it has taken many years of marriage (or being with the same partner) for some of us to reach that goal. You have a lifetime of pleasuring ahead. At least you are in it to pleasure her and not just for what pleasure it brings you. That is sometimes the biggest part of the problem for the woman but also the topic of an entirely different thread.

I wish sometimes I had a reset button. That I could be unprogrammed or at least have the infected files deleted from my brain. It will never happen so I will just have to deal with it I guess.

M, it sounds to me like you and M have a great relationship going. I certainly didn't mean to imply that there is anything wrong with you or missing in your relationship. I just feel so strongly that if I can be where I am today looking back at where I came from, I am convinced that any woman can achieve the same results if not better. I wasn't even sure what an orgasm felt like, let alone what it took to get me there (at not fault of my husband, I need to add, in case he is lurking later and finds this post). LOL

I have learned from experience not to compare myself to others. It only makes me feel insecure. As several have already said, what works for one of us, doesn't necessarily work for all of us.

I can read everyone of SweetErika's posts and think "wow, and I thought I was so open minded or had tried everything there is to try."

Several on LIT seem so young to have done some of the things they have, tried various things (some of which I have never even heard of!) and then talk so openly about it here. I envy them at times.

For me though, that is what makes LIT so appealing. We may all be different and like/dislike different things but with others sharing their knowledge and experiences, it gives someone like me more confidence in myself and the desire to try something different. Keeps the spice in my life so to speak. I only wish there was some sort of LIT dictionary I could subscribe to at times.

 

[bipat69]

My wife has trouble coming from insertion alone, so she will use a vibrator while we're having sex and that helps her.

 

[M's girl]

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[emptynester]

And I'm telling all this because I think there are a lot of women like me, or in similar situations who kind of lost faith in the fact that sex can be good and fun for a woman as well. It sounds a bit dramatic, I know, but you know what I mean...

I think I do understand even though, like you said, our circumstances and experiences have totally been different.

Our goal is certainly the same though. When I do post and open up about myself I do it only to try and encourage other woman for the reason you stated. It takes a lot for me to open up about myself. It is certainly not something I have to be proud of.

I want women like me (or not just like me) who have never experienced a real orgasm to know how it can be achieved. It may not be through the same methods or ways that get me there but if they just realize like you said that sex can be great and fun for the woman as well, eventually it is bound to happen for them as well.

It definitely requires both partners be unselfish and willing to give as well as receive. I feel very fortunate, as I am sure you do MG, to have that type of partner. Sounds like the OP is one of those too.

 

[music2mahsoul]

Four Positions for a Better Orgasm

just a good to know...

Modified Missionary

You've probably tried the standard missionary position before. But many women complain that they cannot achieve an orgasm with the man lying on top. This modified version should take things up a notch. The woman needs to lie on her back and her legs over partner's shoulders. This is a good position if she needs clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm, and it is a nice way to begin to experience building a G-spot orgasm.She will have a lot of control over stimulating her G-spot, and she can play with your clitoris to have an orgasm.

Mouth and Finger, Yum!

Many women have an easier time achieving an orgasm through oral sex than with intercourse.

Do not use your tongue as a vibrator on her clit, but caress her clitoris, urethra and vaginal opening with lips and tongue. Slower is better, so you have time to absorb all the sensations and to remember to relax.

When you she feels aroused, insert a finger, ever so slowly, and rub her G-spot very slowly but firmly. Over time, her G-spot will become more easily aroused, and swollen, and less stimulation will be necessary to feel ready for orgasm.

Face to Face on a Stool

A tall kitchen stool is perfect for communicating and slowly working up to soulful eye-to-eye communication. If you are used to closing your eyes and burying your head in the pillow, you'll find that in this position you are more present and equal. No one's weight is on anyone, you are facing each other (you are standing and she's sitting). She can look down at your penis, and you can get valuable feedback about the types of strokes you are delivering when you see her face and hear her delighted sounds.

This is the best position for both of you to learn how to awaken and stimulate her G-spot. Her clitoris can also be easily stimulated. This is also excellent for deep penetration---if the stool is sturdy

Standing up from Behind

This position borrows certain elements of the popular "doggy-style" position, where the woman is on her hands and knees and is entered from behind.
But let her try standing up, slightly bent forward, she'll find more pressure on the G-spot than with the traditional doggy-style position. Your movements will push forward against her G-spot, and that's exactly what she wants for good stimulation.

In all these sexual positions, it is important to have her G-spot aroused before you enter. Expressing your delight in your growing sensitivity and arousal is the best way to communicate with each other.

Mind you, G-spot sensitivity, G-spot orgasms and ejaculating freely will not happen overnight. Just learn how to relax and most especially, have fun...

Again, it's just a good to know

 

[ColorMeWicked]

Any luck?

Have you asked her to play with herself? I know that for me, it would be a major turn on to touch myself while my boyfriend was doing the same in my view.

Also, as has been mentioned, grab a vibrator. It takes everything in me NOT to orgasm in the first 30 seconds!

 

[klitty_kat]

My very first post

My advice...let her know that it's a non issue right now. Take the pressure off. Have her lie on her stomach, massage her body with oils, let your hands just barely graze the sides of her breasts...let your fingers dance across her bottom, massage her inner thighs, but stop short of her pussy.
Take your time. Don't make love with her. The next time you are together, have a clothes on makeout session...pretend you are a fumbling teenager. Slip your hand under her shirt...if she moans her approval go under the bra. Leave her panties on and grind against her. Get her hot...and say goodnight. Keep this up and she'll be begging you to make love to her. Be patient and let her know that you have no expectations...and truly enjoy her.
She may have a really sensitive clit. Maybe the next step would be to go down on her over her panties...work up to it slowly.
The more she trusts you the more likely she'll cum for you.

AS far as Mr. HItachi goes....LOVE him. But if her problem is sensitivity (he's pretty intense) or a trust/can't let go thing, I'd try the above first.
Have fun.

 

[SesameStreet]

Some women never reach an orgasm. Never. According to this article it is about 10% of women.

orgasms in Women

 

[NorCalGirl]

To the OP:

I'll share a little of my own experience and hope that maybe somewhere in there is a kernel that might be helpful. I was a virgin til I was 18, at which time I met my first boyfriend when we were both in a wedding. It was my first love, and he was just the sweetest of guys. Anyway, after a few months, we did the deed. He was not a virgin, but not widely experienced either. It was fine. It felt nice. But it was over rather quickly and I knew I didn't orgasm, but it didn't bother me. He was satisfied, it had been pleasant, I'd finally "done it!", so to me, it was exciting enough.

After that, we had sex regularly until the last year we were together. We were together for five years, and although I didn't realize it, in all that time, in all the various sex we had, I did not ever achieve orgasm. But I was too naive to know it. I thought what I felt with him were orgasms. Instead, they were just the preliminary waves of my body building up to one, like false starts or something.

Looking back, I tend to think it was both a mind and body thing. I needed to feel more comfortable in my sexuality, and my body also had some maturing to do.

The main question I have for you (or rather your g/f) is: Is she satisfied? Does she feel pleasure in the act, even though she doesn't orgasm? Because if you had asked me before I broke up with my first boyfriend, if our sex life was satisfying, I probably would have said yes without a second thought.

I had a lot of guilt that I dealt with, having sex before marriage. I know that constrained me from really cutting loose with my sexual self. There could be so many psychological undercurrents, rather than physical ones, that it's mind boggling. I think the main thing is that you both keep communication open, and be sure the focus remains more on simply the give and take of pleasure. You don't want to take the fun out of sex by making it all about her achieving an orgasm. Hopefully, with time, maybe also as she feels more comfortable and secure in the relationship, one night those little wavelets (that I hope she's experiencing) will carry her over into a full orgasm.