New Fetish Story, looking for feedback

[AngelFMS]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=402052

I think the first comment sums it up quite well:
"I really liked this story
great story, loved the slaveboy foot fetish angle!"

I posted this under my other username,
What do you think of my style?

I liked how it came out, but I'm curious to what the more 'experienced' will think.

It's the first I've ever sent in for publication, but I've written stories before, both typed up, and verbally for my ex-girlfriends

 

[damppanties]

You have a typo at the very beginning of the story.

Numbers under 10 need to be written out.

There are a few run-on sentences and some sentence fragments. You changed tense in the middle of the story, twice.

The language is pretty good and the sex is nice too, except the part where the male protag 'came like a cannon'. Well, that was a bit much.

It's a good little hot story though and with some editing help, could be better.

Hope that helps. Keep writing.

 

[Elianna]

You have a typo at the very beginning of the story.

Numbers under 10 need to be written out.

There are a few run-on sentences and some sentence fragments. You changed tense in the middle of the story, twice.

The language is pretty good and the sex is nice too, except the part where the male protag 'came like a cannon'. Well, that was a bit much.

It's a good little hot story though and with some editing help, could be better.

Hope that helps. Keep writing.

You're my hero!

 

[damppanties]

You're my hero!

You prodded me into it. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

 

[_Lynn_]

You have a typo at the very beginning of the story.

Numbers under 10 need to be written out.

There are a few run-on sentences and some sentence fragments. You changed tense in the middle of the story, twice.

The language is pretty good and the sex is nice too, except the part where the male protag 'came like a cannon'. Well, that was a bit much.

It's a good little hot story though and with some editing help, could be better.

Hope that helps. Keep writing.

I noticed a few more things.

Some paragraphs are a bit too long. Eight to ten lines is where you want to stay for easier reading.

I saw places that the wrong word was used.

An editor would catch these things for you.

Not bad though. Keep writing.