New Erotica Writer

[Lliandrin22]

Heyya,
I have really enjoyed so many of the stories here on Lit and decided to try to write one myself. It's called Andi's Candy and was just posted today. If you read this I would LOVE your feedback. It is about a first time Lesbian experience. Let me know what you think.

 

[Omni]

Here is the link.

Andi's Candy



Omni

 

[Rainbow Skin]

I hesitated between Average and Good as a rating, and finally went for Good. There's nothing much wrong with the language, and there are no really bad cliches in it. It's definitely better than average for a beginner. However, my first impression was that it lacked enough believability. I can find two reasons for that.

First, the existing relationship between the two women is unclear. At the beginning, Angela is someone who sits in front of Andi in class. That implies (to me) that they're not very close. They talk a bit about class things, perhaps, or smile and say hi as they pass in the corridor.

Yet later Angela abruptly asks Andi a very intimate question, as if they're used to some intimacy, or at least have a comfortable friendship that could move onto that level at that point. The move to sex happens very fast, too fast. It would be okay if you had previously established that they were near it, skirting it, you know.

But I didn't feel that the set-up about Angela justified her suddenly saying that. We know Andi's lustful feelings about her, but had had no hint of whether Angela might reciprocate -- or whether Andi thought she might, since it's from her viewpoint. Also, Angela needed to use the excuse of Mr Burgess assigning them to work together: as if she didn't know Andi well enough to just take her aside and talk.

The second point is that the sex is way too mechanical. It's fine for Andi to be feeling pure lust, and just want fucking, but the first time for the other woman shouldn't be so devoid of foreplay. All the concentration on genital fucking is a very male way of writing the scene.

On the other hand, there were touches I did like and thought brought in believability: the gentle pleasures of the roommates, the brushing of hair, and the ease of the conversation between them. That's a realistic relationship.

My hesitant vote settled on 4 rather than 3 with this line: I gasped at her pale beauty. 'Pale beauty' is lovely, and the way you contrasted their skins meant that the one woman's tanned skin wasn't just a cliche. You did their bodies quite well, in fact: describing breast sizes rather than numbering them, for example. The 'hot coed' effect without being amateurish.

You can write, and the problems I've outlined shouldn't impede you too much. Think a little bit more about character and the sex scenes will be hotter if the people seem more real.

 

[damppanties]

Very good for a first time.

I agree with Rainbow Skin. The sex was too sudden. I would have liked to see more of Angela's hesitancy or discomfort while introducing the subject and then a gradual seduction by Andi. That's the only thing I'd want to change in your story.

Your story gave me some good images. Keep writing.

 

[Colleen Thomas]

While I think it would benefit from more background on the characters what really threw me was the abrupt shift into the sex scene. In my experience even people who have lusted after one another for a while and have laid the ground work for an encounter still experience some hesitation and sex moves in fits and starts the first time they get together.

When you are describing a first time homosexual experience, especially one in which the character doing it for the first time is already involved in a het releationship you are almost compelled to deal with that person's reservations, insecurities and general lack of specific knowledge of exactly what it entails. No matter how much you have thought about it, dreamed about it, read about it or watched it on the Spice channel, until you find yourself with another woman's mouth on your body you can never be sure exactly how you will react. Similarly, if you have already established the character is Het and considering a threesome you have established her as sexually active, that means some thought has been given to the implications of a bi experience and unless she is extremely free wheeling and sure of herself the very nature of taking that first walk on the wild side should engender at least some hesitation. For better of for worse it's a big step and if you are from south of the mason dixion line in particular it carries a rather large train of bagage you have to overcome.

This reads much more like two lovers who have a body of experince with one another getting back together after a long time apart than it does a first time encounter.

With that gripe aside I thought it was very good, especily in light of it being a first effort. I really like your writing style, it's concise and refreshing compared to some first time offerings I have read.

Best of luck,

Colly