New dom needs direction

[Masteratarms]

I'm new to being a dom, something an online playmate and I began exploring together.

I have quite a few questions, the first is an all too mundane lack of ideas. My sub is a virgin and while she wants to push herself to new things, when she is forced to follow orders (and I can't just do things to her) it seems like I have a pretty limited repertoire of tools available.

My next 'issue' stems from my lack of experience but how do you know what things your sub will like. I am concerned I will give her an order that pushes her in all the wrong ways and it will destroy the mood or worse disturb or disgust her.

I could definitely use some advice from experienced Doms. If you're willing to help out 'the new guy' I'd appreciate an email address (or even better a yahoo/msn/AIM contact name).

 

[midwestyankee]

Sounds like you're a good candidate to read up on distance domination. Let me suggest the Distance Domination thread here.

 

[WickedEve]

Have her write about a sexual fantasy or have her find stories online that excite her, or even online images. Then have her send them to you. Good way to start talking about what you both like and what you'd both enjoy doing together. I did that many years ago when I was involved in a long distance relationship and just getting started in bdsm.

 

[myinnerslut]

definitely have her fill out a checklist of her likes and dislikes if you are worried about disgusting her or giving her something she wont like. just google "bdsm checklist" and you will get some options.

 

[Netzach]

Talk to her. Ask her. Ask her "what things do you think will freak you out in a negative way?"

Crazy I know.

If you think you're lacking ideas, it's probably because you're rejecting things prematurely.

First off, I will recommend what I usually recommend. Forget about your sub for a second or two. Just pretend she'll do anything in the known universe you want.

What do you want? What's hot?

Start there. Feel those things out with her. Let *her* say "no no, no way" to them, don't do that work for her ahead of time by assuming your nice girl could never ever.

Every Dom should be writing out their sexual fantasies, scouring the checklists for what gets him hard or her wet, touching base with their own desires. The limits may be bottom driven for a lot of people, but the desire has to go both ways. It's still a relationship and you are still seeking overlapping common ground, not just unilaterally fulfilling bottom fantasies. BOTH parties need to know what makes them tick, and I think the top half actually gets short shrift because we're nice people who don't want to harm anyone. That's cool - it's still good to know yourself.