New & curious...What makes a good Dom?

[CreekPrincess]

New & curious...What makes a good Domme?

I'm new and a bit curious and would like to hear thoughts and input on what makes a good Domme and how you come up with creative ideas to keep things fun and exciting?

(Sorry the title should have said Domme - that's how much of a newbie I am)

 

[BiBunny]

It depends on what you're looking for in a partner.

 

[CutieMouse]

The same things that make someone a good lover... relationships are relationships.

 

[*Twisted*]

very good point mouse

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Are you asking what would make you a "good" Dominant woman for someone? Or are you asking what would make someone a "good" Dominant woman for you?

What makes one "good" in one relationship may make that very same one "lousy" in another relationship.

It is based entirely on the values, needs, and desires of the people involved. We so often hear words bandied about like "honesty", "integrity", "character", "compatibility", "caring", "skilled", "experienced"... But at the end of the day, if you really don't want to be with that person, it doesn't matter how "good" they are by anyone else's measure. It is only in heart and mind of the people actually IN the relationship that count.

Good hunting,

 

[Netzach]

Welcome and hi! I'd say what everyone else said, but add one thing. The thing that makes a Domme good, is to be in touch with your own wants and desires. To really be anchored in yourself and your needs so you're able to steer someone else. I've been in kink for over 12 years and I still have to work on this constantly - it's the work you do on yourself.

It's very easy as a woman new to the scene to start to drift in relationship to what you wanted in the first place. You will find people whose kink is to advise noobs and impose their "stuff" onto you and in subtle ways - I only have one regret about coming out into the scene and it's that I didn't meet someone sooner who told me "hold on to your really complicated, edgy, ambitious desires - just because you're new doesn't mean you can't be taught how to do these things safely and well, no one has to give you permission when you really are ready." Yeah, eventually I figured this out, but I was a bit miffed, it would have saved me a huge headache had more people encouraged that.

So, hold on to your complicated, edgy, and ambitious desires. If you need skills to achieve them, they can be learned - identify what you want to learn and enjoy that part of the process.

 

[BisexualEV]

One other thing I'd like to add: A good dominant does not immediately assume dominance over you. Someone who is rude, pushy, or disrespectful is a jerk, regardless of whether or not they say they're a dominant. A dominant who establishes a relationship with you, and then begins to assert dominance in a way you're both comfortable with and agree to is usually a good dominant.

 

[CreekPrincess]

Thanks to all for your input and advice. I know you are right. You have to find the person that you click with and sit and work through it together. Someone was interested in me being in a D/s relationship but I guess I have been a little intimidated at times thinking I wouldn't think of enough stuff to excite them and become boring or disappointing and ruin the whole experience. Probably goes back to my self-esteem issues and being bailed on a lot in the past. But I guess if you can find that right person and you both can work on that, then that should not be a fear. But it is nice to hear everyone's thoughts and input and possibly make some new friends. Thanks!

 

[archi71]

A Good Dom

Like previously posted on this thread a relationship is just that a relationship. If your current partner is loving caring and adventerous about things, then they should be able to be a good Dom and you shall have many nights of great pleasures. My suggestion to you is bring it up slowly ask to be tied, spanked, ordered around before the sex starts and during the sex. I recently tied my spouse to the bed one night before sex and she weent bonkers (good bonkers mind you) and it was some of the best sex we have had in a long time. This is something we had tried in the past and just brought it up again.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

There is excellent advice in this thread. So this is more of a reiteration: don't worry about what "should" make a good Dom/Domme, except what works for you both. Let your wants and needs and personality come through until you find someone who is a fit.

In that sense, your question is like "What makes a good ice cream flavor?"

In my case, there is a synergy in our relationship that I love. The energy and ideas are generated by both of us, each fueling the other. For me, this collaboration is part of the game. If she were merely passive, before long I'd be a) uninterested and b) an empty Ray-O-Vac. Some people won't understand this, but I really don't care; it works for us.

Give it some time, explore and be honest about your desires: you'll find what works for you.

 

[eastern sun]

So, hold on to your complicated, edgy, and ambitious desires. If you need skills to achieve them, they can be learned - identify what you want to learn and enjoy that part of the process.

this is great.

 

[MrMentor7]

I think a good dom or domme is someone who is very perceptive of their submissive. Like many other things in life, I believe a good dom/domme is someone who can achieve the right balance between control, compassion, appeasement, and restraint. What this balance is depends on the submissive, however.

This is just my opinion, of course.

 

[gigi1968]

Are you asking what would make you a "good" Dominant woman for someone? Or are you asking what would make someone a "good" Dominant woman for you?

What makes one "good" in one relationship may make that very same one "lousy" in another relationship.

It is based entirely on the values, needs, and desires of the people involved. We so often hear words bandied about like "honesty", "integrity", "character", "compatibility", "caring", "skilled", "experienced"... But at the end of the day, if you really don't want to be with that person, it doesn't matter how "good" they are by anyone else's measure. It is only in heart and mind of the people actually IN the relationship that count.

Good hunting,

What you wrote is so true. One thing that people in my local group told me check was reputation. Well, that is fine and dandy, but each relationship is different and has different dynamics. My former owner worried more about his reputation and what others thought about him than working on us. It did not work out. I thought it was ironic that after we split I was told all kinds of things about his previous relationships. If I would have heard about them before, I would have never even attempted a relationship with him. I am not happy with the way things ended or why, but now realize he was not right for me. He really did not have my interests or safety in mind. But I do know I will take my time, and if anything makes me wonder....then step back, and see if I am imagining something that really is not there. Even those with "spotless" records are human, and humans are not perfect, by any means.