New Beginner Dom

[lostNlust]

I'm doing my research to be a good dom and oddly enough all the things Ive read make a good DOM seem like must dos to me. Taking into consideration a subs wants and needs, understanding that its my decision on one versus the other. The respect, trust and loyalty involved. These are all things I find very serious in a relation without the added kink.

My question is this, while doing research on how to be one, I really haven't found where my enduldgements come in to play. What rules and fun do I get to put out there?

So here is my thoughts on what I'd like as a dom.

First proper communication (to go futher than safe words)

I want to be addressed by a proper name
I want the private parts addressed by a certain name
I want you to respond to a certain name
I want a trigger word for when we aren't in the bedroom, that a lighter version of play should be had if the mood strikes


That's for starters.

Then I guess I'm actually confused on the sex. Seems like a dumb question, but to fulfill a partners desire, I feel timing is very important here. Is this something that is handled before had in the discussion of wants and needs. I assume my desires shouldn't be a secret going in to play, so should tasting, feeling and intercourse be expected during and throughout or should it always be a read of the room?

my potential partner has done rope play before, so I need to up my knowledge on proper tying and hoisting. Though, I'm concerned she will want to play before I think she is trustworthy enough to participate with. I've always wanted this, and always been stuck on a women either not into it past their own fantasies, or trust issues with that person all together.

Am I on the right path?

 

[bdsmbeauty]

I think that you should voice your concerns with her. If there is anything that I have learned its that submission and dominance comes in all shapes and sizes and without communication, it will never work.

Fact is submission is something that is given, its not something you take. She has to feel as though you have her best interest at heart if you expect her to hand over the reigns so to speak. While you are probably hearing all these things that you are supposed to do, it all becomes a catalyst for her to give herself to you. To trust you and put faith in you, to serve you.

Like I said before, I think you should talk to your potential partner. I think you will see that it does a world of good.

 

[IrisAlthea]

I'm doing my research to be a good dom and oddly enough all the things Ive read make a good DOM seem like must dos to me. Taking into consideration a subs wants and needs, understanding that its my decision on one versus the other. The respect, trust and loyalty involved. These are all things I find very serious in a relation without the added kink.

My question is this, while doing research on how to be one, I really haven't found where my enduldgements come in to play. What rules and fun do I get to put out there?

So here is my thoughts on what I'd like as a dom.

First proper communication (to go futher than safe words)

I want to be addressed by a proper name
I want the private parts addressed by a certain name
I want you to respond to a certain name
I want a trigger word for when we aren't in the bedroom, that a lighter version of play should be had if the mood strikes


That's for starters.

Then I guess I'm actually confused on the sex. Seems like a dumb question, but to fulfill a partners desire, I feel timing is very important here. Is this something that is handled before had in the discussion of wants and needs. I assume my desires shouldn't be a secret going in to play, so should tasting, feeling and intercourse be expected during and throughout or should it always be a read of the room?

my potential partner has done rope play before, so I need to up my knowledge on proper tying and hoisting. Though, I'm concerned she will want to play before I think she is trustworthy enough to participate with. I've always wanted this, and always been stuck on a women either not into it past their own fantasies, or trust issues with that person all together.

Am I on the right path?

There is a lot of material out there on what you need to be a good dominant or submissive and there is a lot to think about.
In the end though it is about what the people involved want it to be.

Your needs, wants and limits are important. If you don't want to play until you think you can trust her, that is your limit.

I don't know if I understood your question about timing and "reading the room" but if it's about seeking consent in the moment, perhaps this thread would be interesting:
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1123883

There has been other discussions, but on the sidelines of other threads so I can't find them.
I do remember one couple who had some code signal.

 

[lostNlust]

I don't know if I understood your question about timing and "reading the room" but if it's about seeking consent in the moment, perhaps this thread would be interesting:
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1123883

There has been other discussions, but on the sidelines of other threads so I can't find them.
I do remember one couple who had some code signal.

That was a good read lots of differing opinoins but on point it needs to be a conversation..which in turns answers that question for me.

 

[MeekMe]

I'm doing my research to be a good dom and oddly enough all the things Ive read make a good DOM seem like must dos to me. Taking into consideration a subs wants and needs, understanding that its my decision on one versus the other. The respect, trust and loyalty involved. These are all things I find very serious in a relation without the added kink.

My question is this, while doing research on how to be one, I really haven't found where my enduldgements come in to play. What rules and fun do I get to put out there?

You get to put out whatever rules you feel you want and need. Just be aware that the other person can negotiate theirs as well. Finding a compatible partner is probably the hardest thing, from what I've seen. We see a lot of questions from people that really want their partner to do xyz, but have found their partner doesn't want to do that. The only thing we can suggest is to try a compromise, get xyz elsewhere, or find a more compatible partner (there are probably other options).

So here is my thoughts on what I'd like as a dom.

First proper communication (to go futher than safe words)

I want to be addressed by a proper name
I want the private parts addressed by a certain name
I want you to respond to a certain name
I want a trigger word for when we aren't in the bedroom, that a lighter version of play should be had if the mood strikes


That's for starters.

That's great that you've thought about these things. Have you discussed a BDSM checklist or limits concerning when the rules above are appropriate? Like what to do in front of friends or family? Or what is appropriate outside of the bedroom? How far outside of the bedroom?

Then I guess I'm actually confused on the sex. Seems like a dumb question, but to fulfill a partners desire, I feel timing is very important here. Is this something that is handled before had in the discussion of wants and needs. I assume my desires shouldn't be a secret going in to play, so should tasting, feeling and intercourse be expected during and throughout or should it always be a read of the room?

my potential partner has done rope play before, so I need to up my knowledge on proper tying and hoisting. Though, I'm concerned she will want to play before I think she is trustworthy enough to participate with. I've always wanted this, and always been stuck on a women either not into it past their own fantasies, or trust issues with that person all together.

Am I on the right path?

Sex is something you discuss beforehand. If you're playing with new partners, always negotiate beforehand. If it's with a partner in a long term relationship, initial negotiations should cover that topic. Remember to periodically have maintenance conversations. I like to suggest new people communicate before, during and after play to weed out what works and doesn't work.

Rope play is more dangerous than it looks. Here's a link with some more info.

Start with floor work and get some experience with rope. If you decide to do rigging, I would suggest getting some real life help from a class or trustworthy, knowledgeable teacher.

"Though, I'm concerned she will want to play before I think she is trustworthy enough to participate with."

Trust goes both ways. Discuss this with her. If you can't trust her then don't play with her until you do. As a top/dom/master/whatever you have limits and get to voice them just as much as the bottom/sub/slave/whatever.

All this information is just guidelines really. You and your partner are the only ones that can make decisions about your relationship. If you want to see some of the different types of relationships, check the link in my signature. A lot of us have shared our experiences and what works and what doesn't work for us. Good luck.

 

[lostNlust]

All this information is just guidelines really. You and your partner are the only ones that can make decisions about your relationship. If you want to see some of the different types of relationships, check the link in my signature. A lot of us have shared our experiences and what works and what doesn't work for us. Good luck.

Great response, thank you.

Yes the partner has asked to do a hard limits check list. I said not yet. I've known her for 15 years but only started something 2 weeks ago.

 

[CutieMouse]

Great response, thank you.

Yes the partner has asked to do a hard limits check list. I said not yet. I've known her for 15 years but only started something 2 weeks ago.

If you've known this person for 15 years, why the hesitation & lack of trust?

 

[SovereignShe]

This journey is your own. You're off to a great start. A lot of what you'll read will come natural for you. I don't think a hard limits checklist is a bad idea. You might've known her for 15 years, but not to this level.

 

[lostNlust]

15years ago we met but lived seperately lives since then. So not even real friends. I think I've got a great direction here. Thanks all.