New Author wanting Feedback

[flirtyangel]

Hello everyone.
I am new to posting on Literotica and would like some author feedback on my submissions. Thank you for taking the time to review my stories and I look forward to hearing from you soon!
Angel

 

[kbate]

Lacking technique and somewhat sophomoric.

 

[CopyCarver]

Hello everyone.
I am new to posting on Literotica and would like some author feedback on my submissions. Thank you for taking the time to review my stories and I look forward to hearing from you soon!
Angel

Hi Angel,

I saw your post on the Story Discussion Board and wanted to offer my two cents worth. My comments focus primarily on “Welcome Home.”
“Punishment or Pleasure” just isn’t my kind of story, so it would be difficult to evaluate it fairly and objectively. (No reflection on the story, on you, or the genre—just my personal preferences.)

“Welcome Home” is—as you already know—a stroke story, and it works well on that level. At the risk of waxing pedantic, your grammar, syntax, punctuation, and spelling are almost perfect. That may sound like I’m damning with faint praise, but I’m NOT; an enormous number of Lit’s stories read as if they were written by a linguistically-challenged e.t. from another galaxy.

The story is shorter than most, but it’s over the 750 word minimum that Literotica imposes. Equally importantly, it’s the right length to tell the story. You’ve wisely resisted the temptation to stick in gratuitous padding merely to expand the word count—a bad beginner’s mistake.

Now for the bad news. Although strong on erotic, it’s very thin on Lit. You’re virtually certain to catch some shrapnel from readers who want Updike or Oates stories.

There’s nothing wrong with stroke stories; they have a place, a raison d’etre, and a large following. If that’s what you prefer to write, no problem. You’re doing it well.

Since these stories are first efforts on the site, however, I wonder if perhaps you’re writing “small stories” to get your feet wet before moving on to something more substantial. If that’s the case, go for it! You have talent, and you write well; if you swing for the fences instead of for leadoff singles, you may surprise yourself.

 

[flirtyangel]

Thanks!

Kbate: I am not sure what you mean by your comment. If you would have some suggestions, I would be happy to hear them.

CopyCarver: Thank you for your comments. I appreciate your honesty and am grateful for your feedback. I will continue to write and, hopefully, will get even better. BTW, what are Updike or Oates? Thanks again!

 

[CopyCarver]

Kbate: I am not sure what you mean by your comment. If you would have some suggestions, I would be happy to hear them.

CopyCarver: Thank you for your comments. I appreciate your honesty and am grateful for your feedback. I will continue to write and, hopefully, will get even better. BTW, what are Updike or Oates? Thanks again!

John Updike and Joyce Carol Oates--two of the best fiction writers around

 

[flirtyangel]

Ahh

Thanks, Copy. I will check them out. (Told you I was new...)

 

[cloudy]

There's almost no dialogue, which strikes me as strange. Mechanics are good, but far from perfect. There's one thing:

When you use dialogue, each speaker starts a new paragraph. For example, this passage:

I heard the key in the door and my pussy immediately reacted. I just knew some fine sexual satisfaction was just moments away! “Back here”, I called as I struck as sexy, provocative pose on the freshly made bed. “Hello, darling”, I purred as he walked through the bedroom door.

It should be:

I heard the key in the door, and my pussy immediately reacted. I just knew some fine sexual satisfaction was just moments away. "Back here," I called as I struck a sexy, provocative pose on the freshly made bed.

"Hello, darling," I purred, as he walked through the bedroom door.

You've consistently placed commas outside the quotation marks....they belong inside. Avoid excess use of exclamation points - please.

For stroke, it's fine.

 

[kbate]

Kbate: I am not sure what you mean by your comment. If you would have some suggestions, I would be happy to hear them.

You might read Cloudy's comments. They are a verbose version of my own previous comment.


These are essentially stroke stories, not intended to be treated as literature.

I ran over "welcome home" editorially and would have made about 40 changes in punctuation, word choice and sentence structure, without changing the story.

• Little things such as the line "my nipples were craving some attention" . the word "some" is unnecessary and can be deleted without detriment.

• 
  "just the thought of it" -- in the same paragraph should be "him" unless she was creaming over the idea of the shower.

• 
  a few semi-colons to bring similar thoughts into single sentences and removing commas before conjunctions also helps the story flow along at the pace a good stroke story needs.

When writing a short story, each word/phrase or paragraph should have a purpose, throwing in extra adjectives doesn't replace concise well crafted thought.

Overall they are good stories, typical of their genre.

 

[CopyCarver]

Multiple Versions?

Mmmmmm...strange. The punctuation is completely Strunk & White approved in the copy I saw. Could it be that both edited and unedited versions are running parallel?

 

[kbate]

Mmmmmm...strange. The punctuation is completely Strunk & White approved in the copy I saw. Could it be that both edited and unedited versions are running parallel?

While technically 100% correct, the punctuation could be changed in order to achieve greater impact and a more concise story.

this is how I would try the first paragraph.

I had been looking forward to this night the entire week; my man had been out of town for several days and I needed to be fucked hard, real hard. I mean, a girl can get only so much satisfaction from vibrators and anal beads and I was ready for some serious, hot, sweaty, can’t-catch-my-breath fucking. I longed to taste the sweet saltiness of my man’s cum and to feel his thick, throbbing cock hitting the back of my pussy. Luckily, my man had left the key to his place with me, so I headed over to set up a sweet, sexy surprise for his homecoming.

(original)
I had been looking forward to this night all week. My man had been out of town for several days and I needed to be fucked hard…real hard. I mean, there is only so much satisfaction a girl can get from vibrators and anal beads. I was ready for some serious, hot, sweaty, can’t-catch-my-breath fucking. I longed to taste the sweet saltiness of my man’s cum and feel his thick, throbbing cock hit the back of my pussy walls. Luckily, my man had left me the key to his place, so I headed over to set up a sweet, sexy surprise for his homecoming.

 

[CopyCarver]

Parallel worlds

kbate,

You're definitely quoting different text than I read. Thanks for clearing that up.


angel,
If you'd like some help with copy and/or line editing, feel free to give me a shout. That's why I volunteered as an ed.

 

[flirtyangel]

Thanks

I appreciate the feedback and will make note of the changes. Thanks!

 

[kbate]

I appreciate the feedback and will make note of the changes. Thanks!

I would have made a similar number of changes in most paragraphs, but I'm probably pickier than most.

 

[flirtyangel]

My stories

I posted these stories just to see what people thought of my writing. I have more, but was unsure about posting them. My friends give me some of the ideas, then ask me to write about them. Thanks for the feedback. I really do appreciate it.

 

[Newstart]

Welcome Home

It was easy to know what your lady participant wanted in a physical sense, but there was no way to know what her feeleings were or who she was.
As it was I was left as a voyeur, unable to flesh out the characters or to identify with them in any way.