New author seeking feedback

[jcallah1]

Greetings and salutations! I am a new author seeking constructive feedback of my recent story "Michelle Cheats"
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=293107

The two comments received to this point indicate what appears to them to be an abrupt change in the story. My question is: were I writing this again, what specific changes would improve it? Overall advice is appreciated, and I look forward to your replies.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

You have some punctuation problems. For instance -

At that time, I was working at the local gas-n-gas...
Well, her smooth tanned, shorts-clad leg
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You have redundency: Like I said, Doug was a few years older, in his early thirties, and... Just say, Doug was older, in his thirties.
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There are some continuity problems: When we loaded into Doug's truck, he asked Michelle to scoot over so...
Where did Michelle come from? Your first three paragraphs are about you and Doug and suddenly Michelle is there
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About this time, my left hand found its way onto Michelle's thigh with no objection. I began to subtly massage the eighteen year old's right thigh, and she responded by pushing and holding her leg into mine.

I assume 'the eighteen year old" and Michelle are the same person(?) Also, how did she put her leg in yours? Don't you mean "against"?
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I could go on. The story was a good idea, but boring the way it was written. You are telling the story, not showing it. Who are these people? What do they think? Where's the dialogue?

Let the characters tell the story. What the characters say, how they say it and to whom they speak bring life to your story.

You had a good idea, but you made some of the classic mistakes. The story is written in first person POV. That's the hardest point of view to write. You've told me the story not dragged me into it. Frankly, I couldn't even finish reading it.

Don't feel bad. You are at the place where all of us are or have been at one time. I would suggest you find an editor. I would suggest you read a lot of stories. Then try writing again. Writing is easy. Writing well is hard.

You'll do alright.

JJ