New author, New Story..TRUE! Can i get some feedback?

[Bella-36]

Hi Everyone...I'm kinda new here to literotica, but I posted my first story a few days ago. I'd love it if anyone could read it and give me feedback or critique me, since it's my first submission. It's about my first lesbian experience.

Thanks guys! Hope you enjoy it. Here's the link:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/s...ry.php?id=99669

 

[Rainbow Skin]

Bella-36, that link goes to an invalid page. Can you check your story's URL and re-post it?

When I hover my mouse over your title I get s...ry in the status bar, but when I do it over another story in this forum (where the link says s...ry) I get showstory. The actual URL contains showstory, even though it gets abbreviated to s...ry when you post it.

 

[Harbinger]

It was a good first story. Even though it was straightforward in the telling, the believability of the experience came across for me, and that kept my interest. Keep it up and write about what you know.

Edited to add the corrected link.http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=99669

 

[ScottyBoy900Q]

very very hot story.

 

[Xenolan]

Since this review contains spoilers, I've written it in White text. Those who do not use a white background will be able to read it anyway - those who cannot read it, simply select the text to do so.

This is a very enjoyable story - not entirely believable, which I wouldn't even worry about if it weren't advertised as true, but I'm not prepared to say it couldn't happen either. The author did a good job of making it sound like a remeniscence, whether it was made up or not.

It's also a bit of a tease, which helps maintain the believability. If it had ended with, "we were lovers from that day forward," I'd have rolled my eyes and thought, yeah right. As it is, I can accept it.

Still, I found myself wishing that the girls had shown each other that they were awake, and really gone at it - but this is not a criticism. Rather, it is a compliment, in the sense that I was left wanting more and enjoying the idea of wanting more.

A good read, all in all.

 

[Darla_Darling]

I found this story extremely arousing. It reminded me of experiences I had in high school, and I think it is quite believable. It successfully evoked the awkwardness and excitement of teenage sexual fumblings. I'd like to see more from you.

I have just a couple of small criticisms. I thought that the opening paragraph was a trifle sensationalistic and not really in line with the tone of the story. Since you mention that you have had several lesbian lovers since then, I don't know why you've kept it such a guilty secret. It didn't seem to ring quite as true as the rest of the tale, and if I were browsing for stories I might give this one a miss just because of the first few sentences.

Also, there are several instances in which you could probably use some interesting descriptors instead of simply saying things such as, "She was smart, funny, and she had a great personality." Perhaps there would have been a way of explaining that by anecdotal evidence instead of having to say it.

However, those are minor technicalities. I really liked it, and like I said I found it highly sexy.

 

[march_manness]

Bella, I think it is perfect as is!!

 

[HornyHenry]

Bad link

Bella-36, that link goes to an invalid page. Can you check your story's URL and re-post it?

When I hover my mouse over your title I get s...ry in the status bar, but when I do it over another story in this forum (where the link says s...ry) I get showstory. The actual URL contains showstory, even though it gets abbreviated to s...ry when you post it.

It's still bad, Bella. You can't post it somewhere, then copy it from that post, then paste it in a new post. It won't work that way. You need to open the story, copy the URL, and paste that in each post for it to work.