New author looking for feedback

[frisky-leo]

Hello all.
I have been reading Lit stories for a while, and written some for me. This is the first story that I have decided to share, and hope to share more.
I would like to get some feedback on my story, Pops' Bar.
What did you like? What do I need to work on?
I totally believe that we can always learn something new, and hope to learn how best to write enjoyable short erotica.
Thanks in advance!

~FL

 

[loneflame]

First of all, the sex is very well written. Not quite as rough as I'd expect from BDSM, but I think it's good you warned your readers by putting it in that category.
I can tell you spent a lot of time on the portion after she gets to the back room. The dialogue is sensual, the descriptions are erotic, it's completely different than the first portion.
The introduction needs to look more like the erotic portion. One thing I noticed was the dialogue. Are you trying to imitate an accent by using "ya" and "ta?" If so, mention which accent in the description of the voice.
Another thing was descriptions of people. I've never been a big fan of the "looking in the mirror" trick. It's ok when everything is told from one point of view, but here it isn't necessary. Rather than having Izzy judging herself, have Trent give his impressions of her when you switched to his voice. Where you wrote: "He was slightly taken back by the beauty standing on the other side of his desk. Krista had not told him much when she had talked to him about her friend." This would be a good place for a brief physical description of the features he was most attracted to. Maybe he has her stand back so that he can appraise her from head to toe to make sure she is up to his standards.
As for the dividers every time you switch POVs, I think they're unnecessary. Unless you are changing time or location, they're just a distraction. Just starting a new paragraph is enough.

 

[frisky-leo]

Thank you for you complements, and pointers.
I had tried to tag the story a light bdsm, to let people know that it was not exactly what most think of when they hear that term.
The accent that I was trying to get across was a hint of southern, and I had a short sentence at the beginning of Krista's phone conversation with Izzy.
I will work on keeping the erotic feel throughout the story.
I see what you are talking about as far as the mirror trick, and will do my best to loose that.
The pov switch I was not sure what to do about. Now I know. Thanks.

First of all, the sex is very well written. Not quite as rough as I'd expect from BDSM, but I think it's good you warned your readers by putting it in that category.
I can tell you spent a lot of time on the portion after she gets to the back room. The dialogue is sensual, the descriptions are erotic, it's completely different than the first portion.
The introduction needs to look more like the erotic portion. One thing I noticed was the dialogue. Are you trying to imitate an accent by using "ya" and "ta?" If so, mention which accent in the description of the voice.
Another thing was descriptions of people. I've never been a big fan of the "looking in the mirror" trick. It's ok when everything is told from one point of view, but here it isn't necessary. Rather than having Izzy judging herself, have Trent give his impressions of her when you switched to his voice. Where you wrote: "He was slightly taken back by the beauty standing on the other side of his desk. Krista had not told him much when she had talked to him about her friend." This would be a good place for a brief physical description of the features he was most attracted to. Maybe he has her stand back so that he can appraise her from head to toe to make sure she is up to his standards.
As for the dividers every time you switch POVs, I think they're unnecessary. Unless you are changing time or location, they're just a distraction. Just starting a new paragraph is enough.