New "Author" looking for feedback...

[ericahope]

Hi all. Well, I decided to post my first stories (actually just chapters 1 and 2 of a single story). I'm still trying to decide whether to write additional chapters.

I set out to take real people I know and create characters based on them. In addition, the situations in the story come from real life experiences, with some fantasy thrown in to spice things up. I'd be interested in hearing people's feedback. Please feel free to leave feedback on the story page or contact me directly through the Lit "feedback" method.

I'm not entirely happy with it for a couple reasons, but I won't mention them - I don't want to bias any readers except to say that one person's feedback was that he or she had a difficult time differentiating the characters, which I can understand. In my mind, they're all vividly different because I know them in person, but to someone else some of them might run together. Anyway, here it is:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...ge=submissions

Enjoy (hopefully)!

Erica

PS: please don't complain that Chapter 2 isn't in the right category. I didn't choose it. The Lit editors did.

 

[DevilOrAngel]

Also NEW First time Author Needing Feedback

Hi Hope I'm in right place to do this Don't wanna step on someone else's thread :-s But I've had over 5,000 folks read the story and only one review?!? Is it just me or do others get the same problem?

Would really enjoy constructive critism bout my work please either public commentary or private. Thank you very much and again I apologize if this wasn't the right thread to do this in.

My story is TRICKED and TREATED Part1 Two Down Two To GO

at http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=389645

 

[poppy_cock]

Hi Hope I'm in right place to do this Don't wanna step on someone else's thread :-s But I've had over 5,000 folks read the story and only one review?!? Is it just me or do others get the same problem?

Would really enjoy constructive critism bout my work please either public commentary or private. Thank you very much and again I apologize if this wasn't the right thread to do this in.

My story is TRICKED and TREATED Part1 Two Down Two To GO

at http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=389645

But you are stepping on someone else's thread. Get your own!

Hi all. Well, I decided to post my first stories (actually just chapters 1 and 2 of a single story). I'm still trying to decide whether to write additional chapters.

I set out to take real people I know and create characters based on them. In addition, the situations in the story come from real life experiences, with some fantasy thrown in to spice things up. I'd be interested in hearing people's feedback. Please feel free to leave feedback on the story page or contact me directly through the Lit "feedback" method.

Erica, your link doesn't work. Try this one: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=388808

 

[JamesMcIntyre]

Confusing

Hi erica,

A good first try.

Some things to think about.

1 You do too much telling and not enough showing. The information that you are trying to impart in chapter 1 reads more like a shopping list. Think of dialogue, actions or feelings that would illustrate your points and use those instead, allowing your reader to draw conclusions. Also beware of too much information. Ask yourself 'does the reader need to know this, does it affect the story?'

2 You jump POV too quickly, too often and in a haphazard fashion. By the time I got to Marci and Scott I was getting seriously confused. Too many POVs muddles the story instead of moving it forward.

3 The dialogue was unbelievable. There isn't one quote here, it's more that overall the dialogue between the characters doesn't ring true.

4 Take care with sentence construction. For example:
"... and pulled a one-piece silk negligee over her head that she'd brought along."

my first thought was thank goodness she brought her head.

Also:
"Over the last three days Brian had noticed that Marci had let her bangs grow out..."

Fast growing hair eh?

And later:
"...she didn't like to think of her sister and Nate having sex, but it was unavoidable."

The sex or the thought of it?


5 Get the spelling checked.

"Brian new from talking to Cathy..." does not mean the same as 'Brian knew from talking to Cathy...'


6 You introduce twelve characters in the first page. Whilst three are relatively minor, it still needs a family tree to try to work out who they all are. This makes it hard work for the reader.



My advice? Read a lot of stories from the top lists and see which are good (just because they are in the top list is no guarantee). Read them many times until you stop looking at the story and instead see the way it is told.

With your own story, come back to it a week or more after you've finished writing and edit it. Check each sentence and ask:

1 Does it tell the reader or show them?
Compare:

"It was still raining hard and the wind was still blowing, chilling her. She realized her teeth were chattering; she crossed her arms around her chest, which warmed her and gave her chest a little privacy. "It's getting cold, isn't it," said Brian, looking out through the trees.

"Yes, kinda," replied Marci through chattering teeth looking at him..."

with

'Modesty prompted her to wrap her arms around herself, also helping to keep out the wind and driving rain. Her chattering teeth made talking difficult.' (I'm sure it could be better phrased than this but you get the idea).

2 Does it add to the story?
'They had flown out to Cathy's Uncle Roger and Aunt Wendy's house.' Does it matter how they got there?

'He liked his bed at home better than this one, although this one was larger -- a king versus their queen.' What does the bed size have to do with the story?

3 Is it repeating something the reader should already know (or have worked out)?
'It was a large house with nine bedrooms.' Ever seen a small house with nine bedrooms?

4 Can it be phrased better?
"She hadn't been dating anyone seriously until last year, but she had broken off that relationship."


jimmy

 

[ericahope]

Hi erica,

A good first try.

Some things to think about.


jimmy

Jimmy,
Thanks so much for the thoughtful and helpful critique. I appreciate it. You've given me a lot to think about to hopefully improve my narrative writing skills.

Erica