new author looking for feedback

[cl0ckworkorange]

Hallo. Just wanted to see if I could get some feedback on this fantasy story I'm writing. I'd love suggestions as to where you think this story could go or how I could improve it, perhaps.
thanks, cl0ck

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=30944

 

[Unmasked Poet]

Ready for a bit of the ultra violence?

Clockwork,

While I cannot adequately address (I lack the skill) what this story needs, I can offer my opinion.

I thought the story was okay. I found I wasn't very interested in the characters. While I did find portions of the sexual encounters interesting. Overall It was dry for me.

Should you post a revision know that you have at least one confirmed reader.

U.P.

 

[Whispersecret]

Cl0ck,

I found your story intriguing. I liked the idea of this strange girl in the alternate world. I can't help but wonder what the rings are for. I'm left with many questions at the end, which doesn't necessarily bother me since you mean for the story to continue.

I liked this bit:

breasts swelled just to the point where they don't give into gravity

and this:

her eyes are of a golden hue, melting to a delicate chocolate brown on the outer edges of the irises.

My main suggestion would be to start the story at a different point.

All the stuff about Sara seems immaterial to his other-worldly experience. The reader doesn't need to know Sara at all. You go to a great deal of trouble to explain their past and to describe Sara, but then once he's in the other world she doesn't come up again at all, except in passing mention. This is why I think you should dump all that.

If in later parts you need to bring up Sara, then you can do it then. And if you do, dribble it here and there. Long paragraphs of backstory, as it's called, is tedious to read and slows your pace down considerably.

I would start it here:

Sleep is pointless when you can't dream.

I also find present tense awkward to read, but that could just be personal preference. You have some technical errors and some word choices that made me pause. Also, Israfel seems a bit cold, which could be your intention. This feeling about him stems mainly from this, "At twenty-eight Sara is obviously successful at what she does. What that is, I don't know. I've never had enough interest to ask." That sounds unfeeling, considering the fact that she has provided for him for a year. Perhaps you intend to have him develop into a less self-centered person in later parts of the story.

Other than that, I am curious about the rings and the ribbons, who made her fall, if Israfel returns home. That's a good thing in a multi-part story. That makes the reader want to read more, but be careful, because the curiosity will probably wane with the amount of time the reader has to wait to read the next part.

I hope this was helpful.