New author looking for feedback

[tenedave]

Hi guys and gals,
i am new to this writing lark so if you could find it in your hearts to give my story a read and give me some feedback.
Cheers Dave

My first story
Story Continued

 

[mjl2010]

I won't pretend to be an expert. But I know what I read and when I like it I like it. When I don't I don't.

You did it pretty well. I voted a three actually.

I had to go back over several parts and reread them. You switch from your point of view to hers very awkwardly sometimes. You might try separating those area's with asterisks, like this.


Here's from my point of view.

****

Here's from your point of view.


When you do that, try to make it sound like a different person. You are different people. Hard to think feminine when you are masculine. But we must try.

All in all, A good story. Just as the use of the crop requires practice, so does the use of the pen.

Can't wait until my posts don't say "VIRGIN!" for all to laugh at.

MJL

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

MJ has a point about the POV. You have tried to write this story from two first person points of view. That's confusing, and unnecessary. Use third person and you can stand off in the background and tell the story without all the confusion.

This one sentence drove me nuts: "...as you inwardly admonish yourself for being so impatient and disappointing your Master." This is a logic-wording error. It should read: "...as you inwardly admonish yourself for being so impatient and disappointing to your master." The action has to follow. Written you have two verbs confusingly doing two different things.

Also, get an editor. You have punctuation errors, run-on sentences and awkward wording. You have tried to tag every line of dialogue. If you have two people talking, you can tag the dialogue in the beginning and occasionally throughout the conversation, but you don't need to do it for every line. By doing that and trying to be non-redundant you used:

She stated
she shyly replied
you ask
you replied knowing that... (there should be a comma after replied, BTW)
she answered

These are all (and not all of them) in a single conversation. The tags become more an anchor than a help.

You need to learn how to use an elipsis. There are three...never two...never four...three and no spaces.

You'll get better, so don't give up hope. You are where all of us have been at one time. I expect you'll be a whole lot better soon.