New Author looking for feedback

[Londoner247]

Hi,

I've only recently started submitting stories to Literotica, and while generally they seem to be getting pretty good scores in the voting what I would really appreciate is some constructive feedback on what's good and what's not so good from those that know, so I can improve my writing.

If you'd have time to have a look through some of my stuff and offer any feedback I'd be really grateful. My profile page is here

http://english.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=601137&page=submissions

or for the first parts of my two stories here:

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=229540

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=232826

All comments welcome - particularly the constructive ones.

Thanks

Londoner247

 

[Miyana Books]

You need work

calling a protagonist a slut ruins the entire story. Let the reader find out she's a slut, if she really is. It is very hard to make that call. What a slut is to one is to another a woman with a healthy appetite for sex.

 

[Londoner247]

Thanks for the tip

Ok, thanks for the tip - I'll bear that in mind for my next story. Any other opinions on the writing?

 

[Pvidal]

Private fantasies aren't always good stories

I'm new here, so I don't know if there is feedback etiquette that restrains people giving negative feedback in these boards, so here goes.

I read your story about Lauren the intern. I didn't like it, because it was your personal wank fodder, not credible erotic fiction that I could identify with and share. It was more like your unedited secret fantasy, because it was all about YOU and the power you had over this helpless and confused plaything, and I couldn't identify with either character in it. In this fantasy you make it clear you don't really like women as people. Lauren is just a pliant object for you to order about and insult and use but who does whatever you tell her to do and keeps coming back for more, all the while going from coy to proud to seductive, then blushing, mewling as you assault her, and then disgusted. I never understood her behaviour as you talked to her like she was dirt and treated her like a piece of shit. I hope this is only a fantasy and not how you really expect a woman to behave, because I think you'll be disappointed! Sorry to be negative, but that's what I think.

I have six parts of a long story submitted and awaiting approval, so if you want to dish out some to me in return, feel free.

 

[Londoner247]

Thanks

Well thanks for the encouragement I guess it wasn't your cup of tea.

As for "I hope this is only a fantasy and not how you really expect a woman to behave, because I think you'll be disappointed..." of course it's a fantasy I'd never be able to cum twice that quickly!

Sorry you didn't like it, what I'm really after though is some constructive feedback on how to improve. Anyone?

Will look forward to reading your submission Pvidal.