New author looking for feedback

[TheIrishTux]

Hey all, I'm fairly new to Lit, having posted my first story at the end of January. I'd love to get some constructive feedback to be a better writer. So far the reviews have been mostly positive, but what I'm really looking for are ways to improve my writing. I've linked to my main submissions for easier access to the bulk of my work. I'm most interested in feedback for my series "What Happens in Vegas", as that's the series I've put the bulk of my effort into. Please and thank you in advance!



https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=3041688&page=submissions

 

[Latenight_Pondering]

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[Iceprincess12]

I just finished ch. 1 of your Vegas story.

I thought Amy being just a roommate was a bit exaggerated with all of her arm punches and calling him sucker. If she was just a roommate she probably wouldn't be spending so much time with him. There is nothing wrong with her being a friend and behaving like a normal person. Women don't need to call a guy buddy every time to establish that they are friends.

Jake doesn't seem to think anything is a good idea but he never does anything about it. I didn't have a good picture of him in my head. He doesn't have a lot of personality, just seems very ordinary.

Winning the jackpot was a very ho hum experience. I didn't feel excited for them at all. They went shopping, had dinner, went to a show but I didn't feel any giddiness or pure excitement that they were doing it.

The fever that brought out the animal in him. He became a little more confident, used a tie and fingered her. I don't know that this qualifies as an animal and what inhibitions did he have in the first place? Saying that Vegas always brings out the animal means he has been there before and he let loose. Now that he has 37 million dollars he takes her to a sex show? I'm sure he has more planned for later chapters but I would have liked a better feel for Jake in the first chapter. Amy as well. Their interaction is very short and I don't feel any chemistry or care about either of them.

I thought his transistion to being more aggressive was strange. I think it was because I didn't have a clear idea of how non-aggressive he was before. She was a friend and he treated her as one. Even though he liked her, I didn't see her pushing him around or him seeming brow beaten. They had a normal give and take relationship. I would liked to have seen more of his personality defined.

The sex I thought was good. You concentrated more on how she felt and I had no idea what Jake was thinking. From her point of view though, I did enjoy it. I would have added his thoughts as well.

Overall it was an easy read. Felt rushed a bit to get to the sex, which I thought was good, but I would have liked more personality from both of them, more excitement from winning the money and more chemistry between them.

 

[sr71plt]

Don't spend all your time giving it away for free. People pay to read worse on Amazon all the time. A good community is on XXXXXX, lots of advice and feedback. If you haven't seen reddit before, I'm sorry for ruining your life. Stay out of XXXXX. Seriously. I know you're gonna go look but I warned you.

Seriously? You're going to use the Literotica forum to recommend that writers not post their stories to Literotica? Seriously?