New author looking for feedback, thank you.

[docBlue]

I've written my first story for Literotica:

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=183725

I have at least 5 more in mind if it seems that the audience is favorable to my first work. Comments and criticisms are always welcomed. Thanks again !

DocBlue

 

[spyro1123]

just an idea

it is usualy a good idea to give people an idea of what kind of story you want them to read and comment on. even if you just tell us what catagory it is in.

 

[goro goro]

The basic idea is good: the frustrated husband, his shy wife and a good friend make a good combination. You also managed to build a good development of loosening up the wife during the sauna sessions.
I would have liked to read longer sex scenes before the climax (p.e., the finger-fuck in the sauna) to distinguish the sex from the skiing.
One thing you could have done better is the description of the sexual organs, especially of the wife's breasts. If you really have to give cup size, do it once and then let it be; normally the reader can remember stuff like that. Do not repeat it over and over; it's boring and not very erotic.
But what your story really needs is DIALOGUE. When your characters speak to each other, why not do it in direct speech ? It would a) put some action in your story other than the sex and b) would help immensely in readability.
Hope that helped.

 

[spyro1123]

I agree that the basic premise is good.

Also that some real dialogue could go a long way.

Parenthecal phrases are ok in fiction but are usualy best seperated from the story by simple commas instead of actuall parentesees. Parentesees are good things to avoid in fiction. (kind of like senteces with this structure )

I am not sure exactly how to fix it but i felt like this story didnt flow well. Part of it was that the paragraph breaks seemed to be at odd places. Another problem was you kept referencing things that were only breifly mentioned earlier.

I think the best thing to work on though is the dialogue i feel it would give us a much better view into the way the wife's mind works, plus a lot of the details about her shyness could be worked in around it.

"I dont want anyone else to see my breasts. They are too big and saggy" My wife complained as i tugged at her towel. She was always embarresed by the amount of attention her breasts drew.

by putting things like that you give a little more detail her, but you sneak it in underneath the dialogue.

 

[docBlue]

thanks for the feedback

Thank you for the feedback. I have drafts of followup stories and have taken the advice and added lots of dialogue. I will also be more descriptive of body characteristics. I am encouraged to submit more stories based upon the views/ratings.

I was a little concerned about the length of the story, so paired it down some in order to keep it to about 3000 words (some editors review only 3000-4000 words). So, many details and descriptions that I would use if writing a short story, novella, were left out.

Regards, DocBlue

 

[goro goro]

I was a little concerned about the length of the story, so paired it down some in order to keep it to about 3000 words (some editors review only 3000-4000 words). So, many details and descriptions that I would use if writing a short story, novella, were left out.

Regards, DocBlue

3000 words is really short, about one LitPage. Your first story, for example, could have easily gone up to 5000 words judging from the timespan and action you covered. Maybe you should look for some other editors (in the editor's forum, for example).