New author here, looking for comments/suggestions for my first submission

[night_owl_1011]

Hey everyone,
Here is my first submission.

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=244938

I read a lot here, so I figured I'd give contributing a story a shot. I know writing erotic literature is difficult, so this is just a first stab. I'd love to get some feedback. I'm also finishing up a slightly longer story, so if someone would like to read that before I submit that, that'd be great. Thanks.

 

[Darkniciad]

I'm hardly an expert, so bear that in mind as I comment. I've only just recently had my first couple of submissions approved. Try to ignore spelling and grammer errors in the post, because I'm hopeless without a spell checker.

First, I would break up the paragraphs a little. It's hard to keep your eyes properly focused on larger paragraphs online. The final paragraph of your story is especially large, and contains a great deal of the action in the story, you can lose a lot of the impact of the story when a major chunk of the sex is lost in a big paragraph like that.

It lacks believability somewhat as well. You naturally have to suspend the rules somewhat when reading any story, but there just does not appear to be enough set-up to make the tale seem possible, even in a world of perfect luck and timing.

One thing that really stuck out is that you never established whether the beach was a remote/private one, or whether they were the only people there. Something noting that, especially in conversation, would not only add a bit of foreshadowing to indicate hanky panky was incoming, but would increase the believability factor by a lot.

For me, the fact that the two women are sisters also stretches things a bit. Sisters might talk about everything, but both of them having sex in a public place so close together is pushing the boundaries of believable. I've put sisters in even closer quarters in some parts of my story, but they are a rather unique pair. It can done in a way that doesn't stress the believability factor, it just takes a bit more set-up. This specific critique might not affect others quite so much, it's probably got a lot to do with me.

Her massive breasts sagged slightly and urged to pop out into the sun.

urged just doesn't seem to be the right word here, if I'm getting your meaning. I would have went with something like 'and seemed to be trying to escape the confines of the bikini top into the sun.'

It felt like you needed to exploit the fact the one couple had already started to "play ball" and note how that was affecting the couple on the beach a bit more, building up the first sexual contact. It felt just a little too sudden to me. This also could have been helped if Dominique had given a lot stronger signals early on that she was hot and bothered. There has to be a bit of sexual tension built up for something like this to just happen on the spur of the moment.

The transition from the beach to the house was also too sudden for my taste. A little explanation that what they could do on the beach wasn't going to be near enough to satisfy the intense need that was building up would have helped.

The story has potential, it just needs a little refining IMO. Even spur of the moment, hot, no-strings-attatched sex needs a little setup to build the tension before releasing it.

Hope the feedback helps you bring your writing to the place you want it to be.

 

[Sissy Adele Howells]

Not bad, but would like it longer

Hi,
Some of your sex descriptions are good, but would prefer shorter paragraphs. I found the last one the longest and everything seemed to happen in this one. Finished to quickly and Im sure that you could make a story about this with other chapters. Think you need to know more about the characters though. Pierced women don't really appeal to me, so it didn't turn me on as much as some stories.Think I would have prefered it if you had kept the beach scene in and involved the other characters more. Still who am I to criticise. Only a novice myself. Good luck in your writing. Would like to see more stuff.

 

[night_owl_1011]

Yeah this was pretty much a first shot. It's actually based on a real experience of mine...the sister thing actually happened. I didn't really like the start either. Rick and Dominique shouldn't meet that way, and it needs more background and buildup to explain the characters. What kind of things would help strengthen the characters and the setting? That's the thing about writing erotic stories--it's hard to know what details to include besides the actual sex part.

 

[bobocity]

Not bad, but needs some work.

I think you need some dialogue. It's like these people are little automatons. We don't hear 'em speak, we don't get a sense of who they are.

And it's a bit quick, eh? The guy meets her at a convenience store, he's immediately thinking of getting into her pants, he gets a bulge, she invites him along, and before teh day is out, not only is he having sex with her, but watching her sister do her boyfriend.

There are some other inconsistencies and language problems:

"Rick tugged on Dominique's nipple rings—they hardened at the touch and he began to play with them using his tongue."

-- her nipple rings should already be hard; I think you mean "her nipples hardened at the touch ...".


"When she returned to her room, she wore only an oversized white t-shirt. Rick was lounging on the couch, naked. His stiff cock stood straight up and pointed at the ceiling, alert. She jumped onto the bad and straddled her younger lover."

Is it a bed or a couch?

Man, if this happened, I figure you're pretty lucky. But I don't buy the sequence of events as a story.

Slow down a little, put some context in, introduce us to the people, and then get hot and heavy.

BBCTY

Yeah this was pretty much a first shot. It's actually based on a real experience of mine...the sister thing actually happened. I didn't really like the start either. Rick and Dominique shouldn't meet that way, and it needs more background and buildup to explain the characters. What kind of things would help strengthen the characters and the setting? That's the thing about writing erotic stories--it's hard to know what details to include besides the actual sex part.