New author, first story!

[MisterChaos]

Hey everyone!

I'm a new author on the site, but a long time reader and the first chapter of my first series "An Affair With Darkness" just got posted! It's an erotic horror/love story about a normal girl and a human-looking demon. It will eventually become an erotic horror story once the plot progresses a little more in the upcoming chapters.

The first chapter is a little short but I promise it will pick up and get longer. Any feedback is very much appreciated.

http://www.literotica.com/s/an-affair-with-darkness-ch-01

Thank you!

 

[PennLady]

Hello MisterChaos, and congrats and good luck with your story.

I read it over and although it was well-written in terms of mechanics, it didn't do a lot for me. Chloe is all right, and although I know you're setting things up for more later, I felt like this was too much Chloe in one go. There was also a lot of telling the reader, which has its place, but you told, instead of showed, just about everything. You told us how she looked; you told us about the situation with the ex-boyfriend; you told us how dissatisfied she is with her appearance.

I think it's often easier to tell than to show the reader a character, but the showing -- the interaction of that character with others, their reactions to events, etc. -- is more interesting. Too much telling is kind of like listening to a professor drone on.

Moving to more mechanical issues, I think you rely a bit too much on adverbs. There are four in the first paragraph, for example, and I don't think they accomplish much. Chloe's hands "gliding gracefully" under the water as she washes them is fine, but doesn't tell me much.

I've found that while the occasional adverb is fine, adding them too often is distracting. They are repetitive; instead, choose verbs that get the idea across. Striding as opposed to "walking quickly," for example.

You should spell out your numbers - Chloe is twenty-three, they were supposed to meet at eight and it was now nine o'clock, etc. The general rule is to spell out numbers under one hundred, with some exceptions.

 

[MisterChaos]

Thank you PennLady for your feedback

I agree with you about there being to much Chloe; I was so excited to start the story that I tried to fit too much in a small chapter. The next chapter is already turning out to be much more drawn out and focused.

As for the telling instead of showing, I'm hoping that the showing will come up more when other characters are better introduced and developed.

Also, I never realized just how many adverbs I use! I thank you for pointing that out to me. I did some editing for the 2nd chapter after reading your criticism and took out some unnecessary adverbs.

Thank you again!

 

[PennLady]

We all learn by doing.

I went overboard with adverbs when I started, and now I find that I use them much more sparingly.

And like I said, I think it's much easier to "tell" the reader things, but stories work better when you "show." Good luck with the rest!