New Author - First Story

[WritingOrthus]

I have submitted one of my stories to Literotica and it's been approved as of 2 days ago. I realize that in the "New" section, it can get skipped.

I write speeches and presentations for a living. I am now trying my hand at erotica. I have been involved in medical fetish for a while and my first story is in the genre. So far, I've gotten a couple of comments, but would like to hear from other authors on what they think.

I don't enjoy seeing women mistreated or abused, and won't write about it either. My story has my female patient enjoying her doctor's ministrations. I am considering a follow up, which would almost be a "chapter 2" to this first story, that is if people think it's good enough

I am not just looking for flattery and praise, but even genuine constructive criticism is welcome. A writer improves more with good constructive criticism than flattery or from nasty attacks.

Here's the link: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=471331

WritingOrthus
In Greek Mythology, Orthus is the two headed or two faced dog. I am a two faced writer. I enjoy writing erotica and professionally I write speeches and presentations.

 

[bwallard]

I like the situation, but I'd like it more if the doctor's office was more like a doctor's office and if the doctor was more like a doctor.

It's a great set up, but if you choose something as unpleasantly familiar as a doctor's office, I need it warmed up slowly. Too fast and I stop believing. I need to be in an actual doctor's office and have it warmed up through doctor moves - or patient inappropriate receptivity.

 

[Experiencedguy]

This is Great

What a great start. I would have liked it better if this had ended with intercourse instead of masturbation. Although this story may be your fetish, I don't think that is the correct catagory for maximum reader exposure.

I don't understand the previous thread's comments -- but I only see my doctor (in real life) for medical reasons. It all seemed realistic enough to me.

Keep up the good work -- but go further.

 

[D_K_Moon]

Here's my opinion, for what it is worth.

You need to work on understanding what a paragraph is.

She arrived at the office at 5:45pm for her 6:00 pm appointment. The place seemed almost deserted, like usual. Wendy smiled, as she figured she'd get out with a quickie exam. The receptionist was already gone for the night and Sally, the MA greeted her. "Hello Wendy. Right on time. Why don't you come on back and we can get started. I will introduce you to Dr. Schmidt. I think you will really like the new doctor, everyone else does."

This is how it should look. Change paragraphs when you change subjects or characters.

She arrived at the office at 5:45pm for her 6:00 pm appointment. The place seemed almost deserted, like usual. Wendy smiled, as she figured she'd get out with a quickie exam.

The receptionist was already gone for the night and Sally, the MA greeted her. "Hello Wendy. Right on time. Why don't you come on back and we can get started. I will introduce you to Dr. Schmidt. I think you will really like the new doctor, everyone else does."

Be careful on using the ellipsis, ". . ." It's not used to show a pause. A comma, or for a longer pause, an em dash is to be used. The ellipsis shows us a word is missing, or an imcomplete thought.

Example; Bill looked over at his wife and asked, "Janet, where the hell did I leave my . . ." He paused as smoke began pouring from the toaster.

Don't write in all caps, while this can be used for shouting in chat, it's not used in writing. The exclamation mark, and good descriptive writing is what is needed.

And finally, you need to find someone to edit or at least proofread your work. There were a few spelling errors, and missing punctuation mistakes.

 

[Kristiana]

Good start

I am going to write comments as I read, so that you can see what gets noticed first.

First paragraph: There are some small grammatical mistakes. Usually not a big deal, but you know what they say about first impressions (You should avoid starting sentences with but, and in your last sentence it should be was, not were, since her doctor is singular and is the subject of the sentence).

Your sentences seem very short and choppy at the beginning. While having really long sentences is bad, if they are too short it prevents the story from 'flowing'. Some more proof reading throughout would also have helped. You should check out the volunteer editors system, if you haven't already.

I think this story was quite well done, but unfortunately it got better as you went along, meaning the worst part was at the beginning. Although the plot moved very quickly in terms of how soon the 'sex' stuff started, the beginning seemed a bit slow. This was probably because we didn't get any personality/character development from Wendy. There is dialogue, but little insight into what Wendy is thinking or feeling. This changes as the story goes along, and makes it a much more enjoyable read. The second half of your story was quite good. Sometimes it can seem like the beginning is just a bit of filler until you get to the sex, but that is what draws the reader in. Since you write presentations for a living, you probably are quite good and developing introductions which not only set up what is coming up, but also get people interested. You should use those skills here and it will make a world of difference. It doesn't necessarily need to be any longer, just a bit more intriguing

Good work, and keep writing!