New Author, First Poem

[MarlboroWoman]

It was suggested in the Author's Hangout that I also post this message here.

I've lurked at Lit for quite some time, enjoying the board, the stories and everything else. After much consideration, I finally decided to bite the bullet and post a poem. I realize it is quite long for a poem and doesn't come close to rhyming but in my head it is a poem.

I would very much appreciate your feedback on my first attempt. Good or bad, all feedback is helpful. I've included the URL to "Just To Know You're Alive" for your convenience.

Thank you for allowing me to become a part of such a great organization. I look forward to your comments.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/s...ry.php?id=78637

 

[Guest]

please try link again and also know marlboros suck you

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Just To Know You're Alive
by MarlboroWoman ©

 

[MarlboroWoman]

Thank you, Lauren

 

[WickedEve]

MarlboroWoman, it may not be fair for me to comment on your work because I didn't finish reading it. It really read more like prose than poetry. It seems as though a short story was structured to resemble a poem. But this can fixed.

Let's edit your first two strophes.
Original:
I stand behind you
Watching as your fingers fly over the keyboard
My hands rest on your shoulders
Slowly, ever so slowly
I begin to massage away the day's tension
Your fingers slow, a moan deep in your throat

My thumbs work into your shoulders
Melting away the stress
Strong fingers work your neck
You reach behind you finding my thighs
Silky, stocking clad thighs
Soft as a whisper
The hem of my skirt rests upon your wrists
Slowly your strong yet gentle hands roam
Up and down, up and down
You can feel the heat of my sex
But you can't quite reach me

Revision:
Behind you,
watching fingers fly
over keyboard,
hands slow
on tense shoulders,
your fingers descend
and alight.

Behind you,
reaching,
finding thighs -
stocking clad.
Skirt hem
moves
with your touch.

Behind you,
you feel heat
that's just out reach.

This is just the first rewrite. But you see how the poem can be changed, possibly improved, with just this one revision.