New Author--ElloraCat--I would love your comments!

[ElloraCat]

Hi,
I am new to Literotica and I have just posted my first story. I would love your comments if you have time.
Thanks,
ElloraCat

This is the link to the story -- Captain Jack

 

[tickledkitty]

Hmm...Not quite sure what to make of this one.

Your writing is not bad, but you need to separate the dialogue from the rest of the text.

Notice how much easier this is to read when it's not all jumbled together:

Leaning over me, he licked my cheek.

"Remember, you had a chance to say no. Now you are mine, forever."

He slowly moved back until he was standing before me and began to undress. He took off his shirt and revealed a magnificent chest. He then let his hair loose so that it flowed around his shoulders. Oh, god was he beautiful. As he began to unzip his pants, he looked at me and began to talk in his sexy voice.

"Darlin', there's something I have to tell you. You see, I am not quite human. I am what you would call an alien. I live a few thousand light years from here, and we, my people, have been coming here for many hundreds of years when it is time to find a mate. Guess what, darling. I found you. When I take you, you will belong to heart, soul, and me. You will come home with me."

As he had been talking, he dropped his pants to the floor. If he had not handcuffed me, I would have been running for the door. He had a double penis...

You've got a few punctuation problems. Punctuate compound sentences (sentences with more than one phrase that can stand alone) with commas.

Another note on dialogue...You could use more of it, especially in the beginning. This would be much more interesting if you actually had him calling to her instead of just telling us that he did.

There's not any tension. He wants her, he takes her. That's it. It might be more interesting if there was more of a struggle, something standing in their way.

To be honest, I lost interest and skipped most of the sex scene.

His hands were tweaking my nipples and then one slide down to my pussy and began to play with my clit. I felt like I was going to come apart. He gently pinched my clit and I came apart in and amazing orgasm, my body bucking against him.

You've got several problems in this short bit:

His hands were tweaking my nipples, and then one slid down to my pussy and began to play with my clit. I felt like I was going to come apart. He gently pinched my clit, and I came apart in an amazing orgasm, my body bucking against him.

Another problem here is that you use "coming apart" twice in close proximity. Find another way to say this, or say something different.

 

[CWatson]

I always skip the sex. An author has declared his/her skill long before the first breast is bared.

To Ellora: Well, it's a nice seduction scene, with a lot of vivid imagery, but I found the description to be somewhat cliched. First off, giving the characters' heights is almost as bad as giving your protagonist's breast size. We don't need to know how much taller Captain Jack is than your heroine, only that he is, and you can establish that without numbers. (There should never be numbers; they are the farthest thing from our minds during sex. ...Well, unless your man is trying to stave off orgasm with higher math, but we all know that premature ejaculation is an imaginary disease that only exists in that stupid "reality" place. ) And the rest of it alternates between being good and being boring. "Eyes as blue as a summer sky in June"? You're trying really hard, and that's a good thing--but unfortunately, it shows.

Like many writers, you are using adverbs. Try not to. Sometimes we have to... But a lot of times we don't. A good habit to do during your proof-reading session is to do a Find for "ly". Every time you find it, try and delete that word. Generally, adverbs are used to modify a boring verb, eg "quickly reached". Why not use an interesting verb instead? How about "seized"? "Grabbed"? "Yanked"? It's very rare that you can't replace the adverb with a good verb. Plus, it forces you to be more creative--and isn't that the whole point?

Finally, I don't understand why your character needs to be an alien, especially since he appears to be of the Rubber Forehead variety, with very little physiological difference from humans. Well, except for the double-cocks thing, but to be perfectly frank, that's a fetish; The Reader may or may not be turned on by the idea. (I wasn't.) Some human males bond for life too, you know. Why take it into outer space if you don't need to?

 

[tickledkitty]

I Finally, I don't understand why your character needs to be an alien, especially since he appears to be of the Rubber Forehead variety, with very little physiological difference from humans. Well, except for the double-cocks thing, but to be perfectly frank, that's a fetish; The Reader may or may not be turned on by the idea. (I wasn't.) Some human males bond for life too, you know. Why take it into outer space if you don't need to?

I was actually thinking this same thing. I was disappointed that he turned out to be an alien. (Not that I have anything against aliens, per se. There's one in particular whom I'm very fond of.) I really liked how she set him up in the beginning, and making him an alien kind of cancelled all that out.

Another thing, I thought the name "Captain Jack" seemed a bit trite. I mean, right off hand, I'm thinking of Captain Jack Sparrow and Billy Joel's song. Not that those associations are bad, mind you. I just think you could've come up with a fresher idea.