New And Conflicting Ideas

[gingietastic55]

It's no different than meeting a regular person for a relationship, I.E. Dating. The only difference is that D/s relationships have more trappings, like ribbons on a present. A present is still a present regardless if there's ribbons on it, you get me? A lot of people think somehow that the flavors of D/s somehow magically change people into different creatures that aren't human and somehow human rules don't apply to them anymore, but it really isn't like that. D/s is just icing, not the cake.

People are still people. So, when you ask "Tell me what it's like to meet a Dom", you're asking a question that is so impossible to answer with coherence and similarity to other people's stories and experiences that the question itself is moot.

You meet Dominant folks like you meet other folks, everywhere you are. Online, at a store, at work in my case. You pursue the relationship with a Dominant person the way you pursue a relationship with a vanilla person, except perhaps maybe you talk more about sexual negotiation and relationship expectations, but that's not even really easy to say because even before I "knew" I was submissive I talked about sexual negotiation and relationship expectations with my vanilla relationships.

Dominant people are human beings first and foremost.

Some advice I CAN give you, however, is to go to Amazon.com and buy yourself two books. "The New Topping Book" and "The New Bottoming Book", and read them both about seven times. That will be the best thirty dollars you will spend in the next two years, that I can promise you.

Next, if something feels wrong, it probably is, and regardless of if you're submissive or not you AS A HUMAN BEING have a right to ask to stop and talk about it. Use common sense, use safewords, safer sex and NEVER give your heart to someone you haven't ever met in person before.

Thanks so much for the advice/ recommendations. I really appreciate it!

 

[Sinpain]

Something tells me that Sinpain is more than just an "observer/responder" in this thread.

My opinion may come off as "bitter," but it is my truth based on things that have happened to me when becoming "intimately" involved with people from Lit. Like CutieMouse said above, I have had a few good experiences, but they have been with regulars from this particular forum. I have also met Mr Liar, Mr. Cheater, Mr. Addict, Ms Insane, Ms. Delusional etc...etc...

Keep in mind also that relationships are QUITE different real-time as opposed to online. I was VERY close friends with a person from this forum for a few years. Lots of conversation, phone calls, etc..etc.... We finally spent a week together last year. We were like oil and water in person. It was MUCH easier to overlook their quirks, and "annoying" traits when I could turn off the computer or end the phone call. In person, I was confronted, as were they, with the total package. The IDEA of them was much more appealing that the REALITY of them. It was a hard lesson to learn and cost me a friendship that in hindsight I would have rather not lost for a few nights of fun.

HottieMama... I wasn't going to mention it, but... since I've hit a nerve with you (Like I knew I would, because you do come off as a little.. well.. very bitter lol ), I won't lie. Yes, I am indeed more than just an "observer/responder". Your "truth", like mine, is based on things that have happened to me when becoming "intimately" involved with people from Lit, just like you and CutieMouse.

I too, have had good experiences, but I too, I have also met Miss Liar, Mrs. Liar, Miss Cheater, Mrs. Cheater, Miss Insane, Mrs. Insane, Miss Delusional, Mrs. Delusional, etc...etc...

However... we are all built differently, and I always try to stay positive, since no one is alike. It's the only way for me to enjoy what the future holds.

 

[cfuhrer]

We actually came to incorporate elements of the lifestyale *after* embarking on a "vanilla" relationship.
As for how we met, it was a personals site; we both worked odd days and hours.

 

[gingietastic55]

Yes, the cat's out of the bag, Sinpain is the DOM I have been speaking with. I'm sorry but everyone seems to paint such a negative picture of their experiences. I'm looking to hear how the beginnings of relationships usually start between DOMs and subs. I appreciate the interest in the thread and advice of caution but I'd like to keep this as constructive space not a place where jaded women pin their own past bad experiences on people they don't know. SIR is not an egotistical jerk out to play some game and leave me broken. Am I being cautious? Yes. A good deal of that caution is actually coming from him encouraging me to think and really get to know someone before I get serious with them. He is not only teaching me things but encouraging me to go out and find out from other people, not just him. I'm NOT his sub. He's asked me to talk to other DOMs to see what they are like and get to know them. I don't know enough about who I am and where i stand in all of this for that kind of commitment yet and Sinpain is adament in me talking to *other* people, *others* DOMs to find these things out.

 

[Etoile]

Ugh, I hate when people aren't honest.

 

[gingietastic55]

Ugh, I hate when people aren't honest.

I don't mean to be rude, really, but I feel like I have been honest. I'm looking to hear from other people on what the start of their D/s relationships have been like. I do not have a DOM. I am still looking. I'm not hiding or denying these things.

 

[Etoile]

I don't mean to be rude, really, but I feel like I have been honest. I'm looking to hear from other people on what the start of their D/s relationships have been like. I do not have a DOM. I am still looking. I'm not hiding or denying these things.

I wasn't referring to you, not directly anyway - why did you think I was?

 

[gingietastic55]

I wasn't referring to you, not directly anyway - why did you think I was?

I just thought since i was the last to post it was in reference to that.

 

[Etoile]

I just thought since i was the last to post it was in reference to that.

Nope, if I had meant to be specific, I would have quoted you. Like here!

 

[gingietastic55]

Nope, if I had meant to be specific, I would have quoted you. Like here!

Oh ok. Well if it wasn't me who were you referring to? (jw)

 

[Licia]

I'm looking to hear from other people on what the start of their D/s relationships have been like.

I met my husband 14 years ago. As another poster stated, our relationship has...continually evolved. I've always been the one more interested in a BDSM relationship, and he wants to please me in that area. My libido is insidious (in a good way?), and he craves to sate my desire. Poor guy still wonders if he's good enough for me (such a silly boy to even consider that notion). For now, the play stays mostly in the bedroom, but a lifetime can be quite a while

Three kids later and I still love that man with my soul.

The others are right to give words of caution. Try and take it for what it probably is: be careful, girlie. 'Love' hurts deliciously.

Play well.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Everytime I see "DOM" I think Dirty Old Man... not dominant, and I giggle uproariously.

Otherwise, you've gotten sound advice from everyone else. Personally, I wouldn't put much stock in what another dominant or submissive tells you how a relationship *should* be, or whatever. They're all different.

So long as you're happy doing what you're doing, and you aren't hurting someone against their will, rock on with your badass self, I say.

 

[Chiara_searches]

I don't have to use lower case when referring to myself. The capitalization of the titles is more to emphasize the status and as a sign of respect. It's the preference of the DOM I'm currently talking to so that's why I have titles written in all caps.

Two points then:

1. You don't have to write DOM when you are referring to the generalized "dominant" from whom you seek information. If the guy you are talking to wants DOM you should only be using it to refer to him. But see other comments regarding why that's just plain silly.

2. And another reason why DOM is silly is because you deserve the same amount of respect that you extend to a partner in a relationship. Is he going to capitalize SUB when he refers to you? Oh, wait, he didn't when he first popped on to this thread and I haven't seen him do so since. It seems like he's not mirroring the respect you extended to him. I hope it is otherwise for you, but that's a red flag for me.

 

[gingietastic55]

Two points then:

1. You don't have to write DOM when you are referring to the generalized "dominant" from whom you seek information. If the guy you are talking to wants DOM you should only be using it to refer to him. But see other comments regarding why that's just plain silly.

2. And another reason why DOM is silly is because you deserve the same amount of respect that you extend to a partner in a relationship. Is he going to capitalize SUB when he refers to you? Oh, wait, he didn't when he first popped on to this thread and I haven't seen him do so since. It seems like he's not mirroring the respect you extended to him. I hope it is otherwise for you, but that's a red flag for me.

I'm sorry but this capitalization issue really isn't the point of this. I am not talking about it because the point is exhausted and really isn't what the thread is supposed to be about. I really don't want to be rude but you have no idea the level of respect I am given. We have a mutually respectful relationship. It's not every single time we talk or even the entire time while we talk that I use this to refer to him. And again I will say I'm only using it here because that is the mind set I was in. I would appreciate it if we could all just drop this capitalization thing because it's NOT relevant. Thank you.

And again I will repeat myself. He is not *my* DOM. He is *a* DOM. I am still looking to meet more DOMs and get to know them. I'm planning on spending the next week doing just that so if anyone is interested please PM me.

Kthanks.

 

[unregistered]

 

[CutieMouse]

HottieMama... I wasn't going to mention it, but... since I've hit a nerve with you (Like I knew I would, because you do come off as a little.. well.. very bitter lol ), I won't lie. Yes, I am indeed more than just an "observer/responder". Your "truth", like mine, is based on things that have happened to me when becoming "intimately" involved with people from Lit, just like you and CutieMouse.

I too, have had good experiences, but I too, I have also met Miss Liar, Mrs. Liar, Miss Cheater, Mrs. Cheater, Miss Insane, Mrs. Insane, Miss Delusional, Mrs. Delusional, etc...etc...

However... we are all built differently, and I always try to stay positive, since no one is alike. It's the only way for me to enjoy what the future holds.

Your profile says you joined 7/3/11. You've burned through all those types of people in 5 weeks?

Yes, the cat's out of the bag, Sinpain is the DOM I have been speaking with. I'm sorry but everyone seems to paint such a negative picture of their experiences. I'm looking to hear how the beginnings of relationships usually start between DOMs and subs. I appreciate the interest in the thread and advice of caution but I'd like to keep this as constructive space not a place where jaded women pin their own past bad experiences on people they don't know. SIR is not an egotistical jerk out to play some game and leave me broken. Am I being cautious? Yes. A good deal of that caution is actually coming from him encouraging me to think and really get to know someone before I get serious with them. He is not only teaching me things but encouraging me to go out and find out from other people, not just him. I'm NOT his sub. He's asked me to talk to other DOMs to see what they are like and get to know them. I don't know enough about who I am and where i stand in all of this for that kind of commitment yet and Sinpain is adament in me talking to *other* people, *others* DOMs to find these things out.

If all you got out of my post about how I found relationships was that I should be lumped into the "bitter" and "jaded" crowd because of all my negative experiences... okie doke.

My point was that the very first person you encounter, who happens to appear to have more knowledge and wisdom than yourself re: BDSM often looks like a Knight in Shining Armour. That isn't always the case, and those negative people you and SinPain are complaining about are pointing out things they see *knowledge gained from experience* because at one point in time they were exactly like you - someone who didn't know enough about who they were or where they stood re: D/s.

And just for happy sparkly kitties and puppies kicks, I'll end on a positive note and give you the story of how I met my current lover. I met one through a non-kink personals ad about 2 years ago. I explained how I viewed relationships very early on and things developed pretty organically... until about 6 months in when he ended things quite unexpectedly, without warning. We stayed in touch; after a little over a year he contacted me with a proposition - I join him [as his "sex slave"] in a group of people "exploring D/s". I kept an open mind, spoke bluntly, asked a lot of questions... and upon meeting one member of the group/getting more background said "I wouldn't touch this train wreck of a clusterfuck with a 10 foot pole."

We reasoned with one another, both took some time to think, laid out our boundaries, and are enjoying one another's company again (he bowed out of the group thing) when schedules allow.

I met my other lover through FetLife this past spring. He splits time between my city and his own, so we'd see one another once or twice a month. He took the summer off [totally tech free] to wander Canada and we lost touch; he ended up stateside again this weekend, and reached out.

At this point I enjoy both of them for heir friendships, their dominance and intimacy. Ethics insist I openly discuss everything with both of them (which I'll do this week), and we'll see what happens.

 

[HottieMama]

Your profile says you joined 7/3/11. You've burned through all those types of people in 5 weeks?

My bitter and jaded opinion is that Sinpain is an alt of someone that we know or at the very least has been on Lit for much longer than 5 weeks.

 

[midwestyankee]

Yes. yes Collard Greens

And they're good for the eyes, too. Maybe a diet very high in collard greens would give prospective power-exchangers the necessary vision to see through bullshit.

 

[HottieMama]

Maybe a diet very high in collard greens would give prospective power-exchangers the necessary vision to see through bullshit.

You're gonna owe me a laptop if you keep making me snarf my Diet Pepsi like that, MWY...or is that...Mwy.....or mwy...

 

[midwestyankee]

You're gonna owe me a laptop if you keep making me snarf my Diet Pepsi like that, MWY...or is that...Mwy.....or mwy...

It's just Yank, ma'am, thank you.

And might I suggest that clear water is much better for you, though you're on your own for drinking while you compute.

ETA: I know no other way to interact here. So if my occasionally pungent posts cause you to reflexively refudiate your beverage, you'll do well to pace your intake accordingly when you're visiting here.

 

[BiBunny]

Dear Yank,

I you.

~Teh Bunneh

 

[chaoticDeviance]

Lol! Yay!

 

[chaoticDeviance]

http://i966.photobucket.com/albums/ae150/asakku/collard-greens-plant.jpg

 

[HottieMama]

http://i966.photobucket.com/albums/ae150/asakku/collard-greens-plant.jpg

Dear chaotic,

I you!

Sincerely,
The Bitter and Jaded One...

 

[midwestyankee]

Dear Yank,

I you.

~Teh Bunneh

It's mutual, kiddo.

***Teh Yankster