Needing a female perspective.

[suit_up_si]

I was having a mad moment the other night, not thinking straight, letting negative/irrational thoughts cloud my judgement.

Luckily I didn't do anything stupid. I know I just need to give her space, she was in that relationship a while and was heavily invested in it because she put up with loads of shit, yet stuck with the twat. I seriously doubt it's something you get over in a month. Most female advice has been be patient, most guys has been call her. I've listened to guy advice in the past and it's got me nowhere (I do appreciate it though). So I'll wait.

 

[fuckmeat]

Women can be terribly dense, especially women emerging from messy break-ups. If you keep offering companionship as a friend, you will likely wind up and stay in the friend zone. You don't have to ask her out either, because you know it's too soon for that. What you do need to do I think is communicate your feelings for her in a non-ambiguous way, while acknowledging her need for space and time.

One text/FB message/note along the lines of...

Just wanted to say X was a total moron for ditching you. He never appreciated what a wonderful girl he had. If you were my girlfriend I'd make sure you knew how special you were. I'd love to take you out for dinner/a movie/skydiving sometime. When you're through this rough patch and if you'd like that, just say the word. If not, know that I will always be your friend and that I won't ask again or push in any way.

Once you do this, you won't have to worry about whether anyone else asks her out, you'll know you've said your piece and that the ball is in her court. You'll either get a date in time or she'll very politely let you down. Either way you can quit tormenting yourself.

 

[Frothydog]

Fuckmeat, you are the bomb. You seriously should start an advice column.

 

[swtrthnhoney]

Wow! I almost wish someone would be all whiny over me every now and then (without me having to drive them insane in the process). (not to make light of your situation).

Like fuckmeat's suggestion.

Yes some girls interpret the "available guy" after a breakup as just a friend, sometimes they are also interpreted as a wolf or vulture. You don't want to be either. So you need to separate yourself from both the friend and the "I'm just here to make my move on you while you are vulnerable" mode.

Be original, be inventive, be daring...

If you really like her. How about leaving her a single flower with a note - doesn't have to be intense, no need for pressure - "Just thinking of you and it made me smile" - nothing heavy, nothing intense. Keep it light, keep it simple, a single flower (not necessarily a rose as that can have pressure connotations). This might get her attention in a positive way and it shows that you are different from HIM (assuming he never did that). Most girls like to be romanced and it sounds like she didn't have much in her past relationship. Intrigue her with you in a non-offensive, non-pressure kind of way. If she seems receptive, then ask her to a non-committal type of outing (a music concert, a drink, a whatever...) giving her the thought

 

[fuckmeat]

Fuckmeat, you are the bomb. You seriously should start an advice column.

Someone seriously should pay me to do that.

 

[suit_up_si]

Ok y'all an update if anyone gives a fuck lol! I rang her, she didn't answer. Ten minutes later then rang me back, asking if I'd just called, she sounded happy to hear from me, we chatted, she was in a car with friends so she had to go, she said she'd text me later... She hasn't, she's facebooking and all that but hasn't text me. So I guess that's that then.

 

[Dr_O]

If you want this girl to come after you, start fucking some other woman and tell Girl #1 about it, not bragging, just matter of fact.

If that doesn't work, you can have your money back.

 

[Mac98]

Someone seriously should pay me to do that.

We'll pay you with very kind words, love and appreciation

OP: My advice is: What Fuckmeat said...

 

[suit_up_si]

If you want this girl to come after you, start fucking some other woman and tell Girl #1 about it, not bragging, just matter of fact.

If that doesn't work, you can have your money back.

Interesting theory.

 

[Mac98]

Interesting theory.

I might not have as much life experience as Dr. O but I would suggest against having sex with other women in order to grab her attention. It *could* work... but it could also backfire terribly.

I would suggest being patient and letting her know how you feel. The flower + note idea sounded pretty good to me...

 

[BluKitten]

The next person she goes out with is going to be her transitional person. Is that who you want to be? Or do you want to be "the one?"

You do need to stop the pressure, though. Back off for a week or two.

Start with something casual, and I mean really casual! Tell her you need something for your place, like some pots and pans, or something you could get a womans input on. Then you offer to buy her lunch for helping you. You keep the conversation completely light and casual. Do NOT try to hold her hand, kiss her cheek or anything sentimental. Her last may have been a "twat" but she stayed with him for a long time for a reason, so she is going to have her guard up!

 

[suit_up_si]

The next person she goes out with is going to be her transitional person. Is that who you want to be? Or do you want to be "the one?"

You do need to stop the pressure, though. Back off for a week or two.

Start with something casual, and I mean really casual! Tell her you need something for your place, like some pots and pans, or something you could get a womans input on. Then you offer to buy her lunch for helping you. You keep the conversation completely light and casual. Do NOT try to hold her hand, kiss her cheek or anything sentimental. Her last may have been a "twat" but she stayed with him for a long time for a reason, so she is going to have her guard up!

I really wouldn't say I've put pressure on her but I appreciate the input. The only thing that bugs me is that she phoned me back, she knew it was me too, if she wasn't interested surely she would have just ignored the missed call?

I'd like to stress I'm not a massive pussy in every aspect of my life! Lol like I said I let my irrational crazy out here.

 

[Mac98]

I'd like to stress I'm not a massive pussy in every aspect of my life! Lol like I said I let my irrational crazy out here.

You shouldn't have to justify this, dude... love makes you vulnerable and it's only normal for you to be so confused.

I would also like to add that her next won't neccessarily be her "transitional person". I doubt there's really any science to that...

 

[suit_up_si]

The next person she goes out with is going to be her transitional person. Is that who you want to be? Or do you want to be "the one?"

You do need to stop the pressure, though. Back off for a week or two.

Start with something casual, and I mean really casual! Tell her you need something for your place, like some pots and pans, or something you could get a womans input on. Then you offer to buy her lunch for helping you. You keep the conversation completely light and casual. Do NOT try to hold her hand, kiss her cheek or anything sentimental. Her last may have been a "twat" but she stayed with him for a long time for a reason, so she is going to have her guard up!

You shouldn't have to justify this, dude... love makes you vulnerable and it's only normal for you to be so confused.

I would also like to add that her next won't neccessarily be her "transitional person". I doubt there's really any science to that...

Thanks I do appreciate that, I just need an outlet for this shit and this is the only place I have. I'm just tired of the ups and downs of it all.

 

[suit_up_si]

Ok what is really fucking with me is this girl returns my call, if she'd have just ignored the call I'd feel a hell of a lot better because at least then I'd know where I stand. But returning a missed call, knowing it was me, saying she'll text me back and not just seems fucking cruel.

I'm beginning to sound like a broken record, someone shoot me! Lol

 

[fuckmeat]

Ok what is really fucking with me is this girl returns my call, if she'd have just ignored the call I'd feel a hell of a lot better because at least then I'd know where I stand. But returning a missed call, knowing it was me, saying she'll text me back and not just seems fucking cruel.

I'm beginning to sound like a broken record, someone shoot me! Lol

Cruel is a strong word. Try to keep your perspective here.

Have you told her how you feel? If not, you can't accuse her of cruelty because she doesn't know what her actions are doing to you or how much you're trying to read into them.

If you have told her: -

If she fancies you, she'll be fretting over that and worrying that it's too soon for her to make a judgement call about her feelings for you. She'll know that telling you she likes you but needs time will mean you wait for her to get over her break up. She'll then have the responsibility of knowing you're waiting around for her, which will make her feel pressured even if that's the last thing you want her to feel.

If she doesn't have strong feelings for you, she'll be procrastinating and worrying about letting you down gently. She'll be concerned about how your friendship will be affected.

As far as I can see, if she didn't at least care about you and respect you as a friend, she'd have given you the brush off without a second thought. That she's taking some time to digest whatever you've said can only really be a good thing.

 

[Mac98]

^^^^

I agree with this. I would also add that maybe right now it's best to not rush things but still try and maintain your foot in the door. Give her time and space whilst still being present. Heck, go out with her and do shit. I would play the friend card till she's over her last relationship. People are telling you that you have to be careful not to fall in the infamous "Friend zone" but you can be there for her and show that you care for her a lot without necessarily pressuring her or anything.

And when the timing is right, let her know how you feel and how you've felt all along. If she's human, she'll probably even have sensed this before you tell her.

I think she likes you but she needs her space right now to get over the breakup. It's not rejection. She's just in the process of letting it go.

 

[suit_up_si]

Cruel is a strong word. Try to keep your perspective here.

Have you told her how you feel? If not, you can't accuse her of cruelty because she doesn't know what her actions are doing to you or how much you're trying to read into them.

If you have told her: -

If she fancies you, she'll be fretting over that and worrying that it's too soon for her to make a judgement call about her feelings for you. She'll know that telling you she likes you but needs time will mean you wait for her to get over her break up. She'll then have the responsibility of knowing you're waiting around for her, which will make her feel pressured even if that's the last thing you want her to feel.

If she doesn't have strong feelings for you, she'll be procrastinating and worrying about letting you down gently. She'll be concerned about how your friendship will be affected.

As far as I can see, if she didn't at least care about you and respect you as a friend, she'd have given you the brush off without a second thought. That she's taking some time to digest whatever you've said can only really be a good thing.

ok cruel may be too strong. She knows I like her, she told me she liked me too but she couldn't leave her boyfriend because she had put so much into it and couldn't throw it away because she liked me. It's just I was over the moon when she called me back and the nowt. I'm really trying to think rationally it's just tough! Ha

 

[suit_up_si]

^^^^

I agree with this. I would also add that maybe right now it's best to not rush things but still try and maintain your foot in the door. Give her time and space whilst still being present. Heck, go out with her and do shit. I would play the friend card till she's over her last relationship. People are telling you that you have to be careful not to fall in the infamous "Friend zone" but you can be there for her and show that you care for her a lot without necessarily pressuring her or anything.

And when the timing is right, let her know how you feel and how you've felt all along. If she's human, she'll probably even have sensed this before you tell her.

I think she likes you but she needs her space right now to get over the breakup. It's not rejection. She's just in the process of letting it go.

I've tried being the good friend in the past and when I made my move I got the ol' "I like you, just not in that way" it's really not a route I relish going down again. She knows I've got strong feelings for her and I was convinced she had them for me because of what's gone on between us, it's just now I'm not so sure. Then again all the stuff about her needing time etc makes perfect sense, I'm just very naive

 

[BluKitten]

The Waiting Place is the hardest place to be in right now. Especially since you have obviously waited for her for a long time. From what you have been describing of her actions, she does like and care for you too! But, in my opinion, she is afraid of losing you as well. Patience is the hardest character for anyone to practice and exhibit. But all good things come with time and patience.

Your a good man, she knows it and doesn't want to lose it!

 

[suit_up_si]

The Waiting Place is the hardest place to be in right now. Especially since you have obviously waited for her for a long time. From what you have been describing of her actions, she does like and care for you too! But, in my opinion, she is afraid of losing you as well. Patience is the hardest character for anyone to practice and exhibit. But all good things come with time and patience.

Your a good man, she knows it and doesn't want to lose it!

I hope you're right, I've just found the whole returned call confusing, the waiting is the hard part, I just want to be put out of my misery as it were! And stop all of you reading all my moaning lol.

 

[Mac98]

I've tried being the good friend in the past and when I made my move I got the ol' "I like you, just not in that way" it's really not a route I relish going down again. She knows I've got strong feelings for her and I was convinced she had them for me because of what's gone on between us, it's just now I'm not so sure. Then again all the stuff about her needing time etc makes perfect sense, I'm just very naive

How long ago was this? You say she couldn't leave her boyfriend... so was it because of that or was it because she liked you only as a friend and nothing more? If this took place 3 years ago then I would say try yourself again. Time and people change. If this was only 2 or 3 months ago, then I would say there's not much else to do but admit defeat (which sucks major fucken balls, I know...)

That being said, if the only reason she couldn't be with you was because of her boyfriend, then at least you know she really likes you. If it's the case, then just give her time. You have your foot in the door and if you stay present in her life and don't fade away out of the picture, then once she'll be on her feet again, you'll be there to wisk her off of them.

Good luck, man. I wish you the best!

 

[BluKitten]

I hope you're right, I've just found the whole returned call confusing, the waiting is the hard part, I just want to be put out of my misery as it were! And stop all of you reading all my moaning lol.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-x_TXWYAH7o

When people you don't know want to give you support and help ease the pain, don't complain. Just accept and be there when they need you!

 

[suit_up_si]

How long ago was this? You say she couldn't leave her boyfriend... so was it because of that or was it because she liked you only as a friend and nothing more? If this took place 3 years ago then I would say try yourself again. Time and people change. If this was only 2 or 3 months ago, then I would say there's not much else to do but admit defeat (which sucks major fucken balls, I know...)

That being said, if the only reason she couldn't be with you was because of her boyfriend, then at least you know she really likes you. If it's the case, then just give her time. You have your foot in the door and if you stay present in her life and don't fade away out of the picture, then once she'll be on her feet again, you'll be there to wisk her off of them.

Good luck, man. I wish you the best!

Oh that wasn't with this girl, that was some other girl. This one I've only known a few months, but I know if she wasn't with him she'd be with me, she said so (which killed me at the time!) and like I said things have gone on between us.

 

[suit_up_si]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-x_TXWYAH7o

When people you don't know want to give you support and help ease the pain, don't complain. Just accept and be there when they need you!

I do appreciate it, I really do, I just hate sounding all whiny. I imagine people reading and going "dude shut up"