Need Your Feedback Baby !

[redbeauty39]

Hi all, my story has been up for quite a while and apparently has been read quite a bit, I'd like to write more now that i have time, but would like some constructive feedback on the style / subject ... any takers ?
https://www.literotica.com/s/red-beauty-gets-laid
love to hear your thoughts !

 

[Emirus]

I’ve just read your story and my first comment is you should be pleased with the rating. It’s okay for a story so short as they never seem to score well unless exceptional.

As for the actual story it reads, in the main, like a list. It doesn’t flow. All the words are there but not necessarily in the right order and there are grammatical errors. Such as far too many commas, instead of full stops, particularly in the first half. In some places joining two sentences with “and” would make it read better. I also think it would benefit from some dialogue to break up the “I did this and he did that etc” which doesn’t help the flow. Try to avoid simple spelling mistakes such as confident instead of confidant. You can never check too thoroughly. After I’ve written a story I read it through several times before submission and I always find myself making minor, and sometimes major, alterations after each read through. Even then, after it’s published, I’ve occasionally picked up on a silly mistake and wondered how I missed it.

It’s a nice story but could be a lot better without too much effort.

 

[LWulf]

Here's some food for thought, by definition, there is no difference between "constructive criticism," and your garden variety "criticism."

For a short story (about one half a literotica page, you start out 14 (out of 47?) paragraphs with "I." It's told from the first person, so this shouldn't surprise. So, about one quarter of the story. There's nothing really wrong with telling a story using "I." It allows people to relate to what you're writing, However, while other critiquers are going to say "work within your safe zone", "don't venture too far out into the rough", "don't push yourself", etc, I'm going to encourage you to try to push yourself. Try to go beyond story telling from within your own eyeballs.
There are four other senses you can use, don't get complacent with just using one.

I believe you meant confidant, not confident. Do you have to fix it? go back and edit it to be correct? No, but just be aware of some of these simple errors. A good editor would pick out simple errors, but if you decide not to use one, try reading your stories aloud.

Your story reads well, up to one point where you said "He told me ... he wanted to squeeze my tit - as he slipped a hand up my dress to my moist pussy." This part seemed like you were a little too eager to get to the "meat" of the issue. I manipulated the sentence around to hopefully show you what me go "Wait, what???" I mean, unless you want him to come across like an octopus (all hands, all over), otherwise...

Just pointing out, that I noticed this. "bar tenders" Not one word, but two. I like it (assuming it wasn't a mistake).

Speed bump alert! Okay, you were describing how hot and bothered the two characters were, while they are at the bar, and practically describe them getting it on while they were at the bar, so, what do they do? "We ordered drinks..."
I mean, were they trying to fan the flames of lust until they just rip each others clothes off while at the bar, in front of everyone? My point is, this information seemed a little out of order (yeah, I know, I read the next line, about it being a new experience, but it still seemed off).

Okay, contrary alert! "As hungry as we both were for each other, this was still a new experience.

I told him how I had masturbated everytime after writing to him..."
Okay, this would be a good time for one of those other senses, or maybe a feeling. At one moment, we are informed "this is a new experience" Okay, fine, but then she fesses up how she masturbated after writing to him. How does she feel saying this? That's pretty confident for someone in a new experience.

Um... I... You know, I wasn't going to say anything, but "sashay" means to walk. So when I read "my dress sashayed around the naked skin beneath" I'm going to have to call you on that. Another word might have described what you wanted to say better. I like creative uses of words, but "walking around" sounds too voluminous, and I think you meant something more cling/rub than "walked" around. I mean, she was wearing a slinky black dress, right?

Point of reference, at one point, you describe how the panties were "sticking to her pussy" then you describe her being "naked, under her dress" Consistency.

Heh heh, With one word, you identified where you're from; "suspenders." We call them something else in America. I never would have suspected up to that point. You kept it very homoge-national, up to that point.

By the way, these two are moving like pro's at this point. In other words, I'm not feeling the "new experience-ness" of these two.

Okay, sex, sex, and more sex (in only a half of a Lit. page??? Whew!). and the end of the story.

It read well, for the most part. A couple of trips, but nothing major. The part of a "new experience" wasn't really sold to me. Honestly, I didn't even realize your writer's name was part of the story title, until the end, and I was going to ask "why 'Red Beauty'?" Personally, I understand what you're trying to say by the title, but I'd have gone for a different title.

That said, it seemed a little more fantasy-ish, rather than a diary page. Everything went down without a hitch, the maid joins in without a miss-beat... It just seemed a little too perfectly set up. Don't get me wrong, the action was nicely paced (a little quick by my standards, but everyone has different standards), but it could have used a little more of the flirting, besides being informed about it going on for months. Give the reader a chance to whet their lips a little before digging in.

 

[MohanSingh]

Story could do with some dialogue. Build the background to the the characters. Good rating.