need technical help -- quotation marks & conversation in poetry

[mischievousgrin]

So, I've got this new poem.

The last section of it is someone speaking to me, and recalling an earlier conversation. Quotes within quotes. I must confess, i'm at a total loss as to how to deal with quotation marks / punctuation. A lesson would be sorely appreciated.

Of course, any comments / criticisms / complaints about the poem itself are welcome. Don't hold back!

_________________________________

BEFORE I FORGET


My grandfather,
before he came to America,
was a blacksmith.
A fact which I love,
and romanticize shamelessly.

I love even the word: blacksmith.
Squat, heavy, solid as an anvil,
Anchoring this flimsy poem.

And its attendant imagery:
fire, hammer, steel, sparks, sweat
recalling pre-industrial man,
pre-historic man, too;
not to mention the artwork
of early 20th century
European socialist fantasies.
An easy thing to romanticize,
and a hard thing to be.

In New York, he was a mechanic
and then a garage owner.
Putting in the sort of hours
those who start up
doomed internet companies
can relate to.


Anyway.


My father remembers
important things
at random times.

While checking the tilapia on the stove:
"Lino, I've got that doctor's appointment in two weeks.
I'll need a ride home".

Looking through a catalog of budget classical CDs:
"Lino, I've got too many tomatoes. Take some home with you".

Halfway through dinner:
"Lino, this is where I hide the key to my filing cabinet
with all the important papers. In case you need to get into it".

And last night, during a French film
and a brutal scene of ugly World War One trench warfare,
he paused the movie and said:

"Lino, I remember one time I was walking with Papa
up the street from the garage, to the soda fountain.
I was behind him, and began to imitate the way he walked.
He turned around quickly, catching me in the act,
barking out: "what are you doing".


I lowered my head, unable to look him in the eyes.
I knew I was in for it.

"Trying to walk how you do".

"Lino, he scooped me up and gave me such a hug!"

 

[Angeline]

I prefer italics to quote marks. I think it makes the quoted material stand out more.

 

[PatCarrington]

I prefer italics to quote marks. I think it makes the quoted material stand out more.

me too.

good morning....ummm...afternoon, Maine.

 

[flyguy69]

So, I've got this new poem.

The last section of it is someone speaking to me, and recalling an earlier conversation. Quotes within quotes. I must confess, i'm at a total loss as to how to deal with quotation marks / punctuation. A lesson would be sorely appreciated.

Of course, any comments / criticisms / complaints about the poem itself are welcome. Don't hold back!

_________________________________

BEFORE I FORGET


My grandfather,
before he came to America,
was a blacksmith.
A fact which I love,
and romanticize shamelessly.

I love even the word: blacksmith.
Squat, heavy, solid as an anvil,
Anchoring this flimsy poem.

And its attendant imagery:
fire, hammer, steel, sparks, sweat
recalling pre-industrial man,
pre-historic man, too;
not to mention the artwork
of early 20th century
European socialist fantasies.
An easy thing to romanticize,
and a hard thing to be.

In New York, he was a mechanic
and then a garage owner.
Putting in the sort of hours
those who start up
doomed internet companies
can relate to.


Anyway.


My father remembers
important things
at random times.

While checking the tilapia on the stove:
"Lino, I've got that doctor's appointment in two weeks.
I'll need a ride home".

Looking through a catalog of budget classical CDs:
"Lino, I've got too many tomatoes. Take some home with you".

Halfway through dinner:
"Lino, this is where I hide the key to my filing cabinet
with all the important papers. In case you need to get into it".

And last night, during a French film
and a brutal scene of ugly World War One trench warfare,
he paused the movie and said:

"Lino, I remember one time I was walking with Papa
up the street from the garage, to the soda fountain.
I was behind him, and began to imitate the way he walked.
He turned around quickly, catching me in the act,
barking out: "what are you doing".


I lowered my head, unable to look him in the eyes.
I knew I was in for it.

"Trying to walk how you do".

"Lino, he scooped me up and gave me such a hug!"

The poem is wonderful! An engaging tale that made me grin.

I think you could change the structure dramatically and improve the poem further, but you wouldn't have to. Right now the bridge statement "anyway" is an awfully weak connector. You could look for a stronger link, but it might be fun to meld the two halves, to take readers back and forth between your thoughts and your father's.

In specific reference to your question, single quotation marks are used for quotes-in-quotes, but as Angeline suggests they cause an awkward formality to the poem.

 

[mischievousgrin]

if i have all conversation in italics, how do I distinguish the grandfather's comment from the rest? or my father quoting himself in the rest of his talking (if I do).

Could someone repost that section with the changes they would make so I can see what it would look like?

thanks for all the replies.

 

[Guest]

So, I've got this new poem.

The last section of it is someone speaking to me, and recalling an earlier conversation. Quotes within quotes. I must confess, i'm at a total loss as to how to deal with quotation marks / punctuation. A lesson would be sorely appreciated.

Of course, any comments / criticisms / complaints about the poem itself are welcome. Don't hold back!

_________________________________

BEFORE I FORGET


My grandfather,
before he came to America,
was a blacksmith.
A fact which I love,
and romanticize shamelessly.

I love even the word: blacksmith.
Squat, heavy, solid as an anvil,
Anchoring this flimsy poem.

And its attendant imagery:
fire, hammer, steel, sparks, sweat
recalling pre-industrial man,
pre-historic man, too;
not to mention the artwork
of early 20th century
European socialist fantasies.
An easy thing to romanticize,
and a hard thing to be.

In New York, he was a mechanic
and then a garage owner.
Putting in the sort of hours
those who start up
doomed internet companies
can relate to.


Anyway.


My father remembers
important things
at random times.

While checking the tilapia on the stove:
Lino, I've got that doctor's appointment in two weeks.
I'll need a ride home.

Looking through a catalog of budget classical CDs:
Lino, I've got too many tomatoes. Take some home with you.

Halfway through dinner:
Lino, this is where I hide the key to my filing cabinet
with all the important papers. In case you need to get into it.

And last night, during a French film
and a brutal scene of ugly World War One trench warfare,
he paused the movie and said:

Lino, I remember one time I was walking with Papa
up the street from the garage, to the soda fountain.
I was behind him, and began to imitate the way he walked.
He turned around quickly, catching me in the act,
barking out: "what are you doing".


I lowered my head, unable to look him in the eyes.
I knew I was in for it.

"Trying to walk how you do".

"Lino, he scooped me up and gave me such a hug!"

BEFORE I FORGET


My grandfather,
before he came to America,
was a blacksmith.
A fact which I love,
and romanticize shamelessly.

I love even the word: blacksmith.
Squat, heavy, solid as an anvil,
Anchoring this flimsy poem.

And its attendant imagery:
fire, hammer, steel, sparks, sweat
recalling pre-industrial man,
pre-historic man, too;
not to mention the artwork
of early 20th century
European socialist fantasies.
An easy thing to romanticize,
and a hard thing to be.

In New York, he was a mechanic
and then a garage owner.
Putting in the sort of hours
those who start up
doomed internet companies
can relate to.


Anyway.


My father remembers
important things
at random times.

While checking the tilapia on the stove:
Lino, I've got that doctor's appointment in two weeks.
I'll need a ride home.

Looking through a catalog of budget classical CDs:
Lino, I've got too many tomatoes. Take some home with you.

Halfway through dinner:
Lino, this is where I hide the key to my filing cabinet
with all the important papers. In case you need to get into it.

And last night, during a French film
and a brutal scene of ugly World War One trench warfare,
he paused the movie and said:

Lino, I remember one time I was walking with Papa
up the street from the garage, to the soda fountain.
I was behind him, and began to imitate the way he walked.
He turned around quickly, catching me in the act,
barking out: "what are you doing".


I lowered my head, unable to look him in the eyes.
I knew I was in for it.

"Trying to walk how you do".

Lino, he scooped me up and gave me such a hug!

How about a combination? And I agree with fly - it's a lovely poem!

 

[flyguy69]

if i have all conversation in italics, how do I distinguish the grandfather's comment from the rest? or my father quoting himself in the rest of his talking (if I do).

Could someone repost that section with the changes they would make so I can see what it would look like?

thanks for all the replies.

Always start a new paragraph when you change speakers. I sometimes use indentation, as well.

 

[Guest]

My suggestions:

BEFORE I FORGET


My grandfather,
before he came to America,
was a blacksmith.
A fact which I love,
and romanticize shamelessly.

My Grandfather was a blacksmith
before he came to America.
A fact in which I love,
and romanticize shamelessly.

or

My Grandfather;
before he came to America
was a blacksmith.
A fact, which I love,
and romanticize shamelessly.

I love even the word: blacksmith.
Squat, heavy, solid as an anvil,
Anchoring this flimsy poem.

I even love the word blacksmith;
squat, heavy, solid as an anvil,
achoring this flimsy poem, (comma to continue with "and" below)

And its attendant imagery: period. I would keep this line with the above stanza.

fire, hammer, steel, sparks, sweat- Fire, hammer, steel, and sparks
recalling pre-industrial man,
pre-historic man, too; -I would take out one of these 2 lines.
not to mention the artwork
of early 20th century
European socialist fantasies. -semi or start next line with "it's". If you do start the next line with "It's", you'd want to put a period after "fantasies"
An easy thing to romanticize,
and a hard thing to be.

In New York, he was a mechanic
and then a garage owner.
Putting in the sort of hours
those who start up
doomed internet companies
can relate to.

He was a mechanic in New York,
and then a garage owner,
who put in the sort of hours,
those who start up (I got a little confused here)
doomed Internet companies
can relate to.

Anyway. -comma


My father remembers
important things
at random times.

While checking the tilapia on the stove:
"Lino, I've got that doctor's appointment in two weeks.
I'll need a ride home".

Looking through a catalog of budget classical CDs:
"Lino, I've got too many tomatoes. Take some home with you".

Halfway through dinner:
"Lino, this is where I hide the key to my filing cabinet
with all the important papers. In case you need to get into it".

And last night, during a French film -Last night during a French film,
and a brutal scene of ugly World War One trench warfare,
he paused the movie and said:

"Lino, I remember one time I was walking with Papa
up the street from the garage, to the soda fountain. -no comma after "garage"

I was behind him, and began to imitate the way he walked.
He turned around quickly, catching me in the act,
barking out: "what are you doing". -barking out, "What are you doing?"


I lowered my head, unable to look him in the eyes.
I knew I was in for it.

"Trying to walk how you do". -This is an incomplete sentence. I would add who is trying to walk.

"Lino, he scooped me up and gave me such a hug!"- comma after "up". I would strengthen this last line. Something deeper than "such a hug"

Hope this helps!

 

[Guest]

.

Right now the bridge statement "anyway" is an awfully weak connector.

I disagree - it gives a conversational quality to the poem, imo. Also it's the link between a distant past and recent memories.

Hey Saldne - LTNS.

 

[Guest]

I disagree - it gives a conversational quality to the poem, imo. Also it's the link between a distant past and recent memories.

Hey Saldne - LTNS.

How you doing, Tristesse? I'd have to agree with your statement above as well.

Now, someone tell me what LTNS means. This will drive me nuts all day. I don't understand all internet lango.

 

[PatCarrington]

i think quotations marks do add an unnecessary formality to this poem, as ange said and fly agreed with, and using italics instead is a much better idea.

i also agree it is an engaging poem.

i don't like "anyway" either.

it feels like affectation here to me, a force at a mood the poem already achieves without it.

 

[flyguy69]

How you doing, Tristesse? I'd have to agree with your statement above as well.

Now, someone tell me what LTNS means. This will drive me nuts all day. I don't understand all internet lango.

Let The Neighbors See?

Listen To Naughty Sex?

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Acronymfinder says:

LTNS - Long Time No See
LTNS - Little Thicket Nature Sanctuary (Texas)
LTNS - Longer Than Normal Sentence

Take your pick.

 

[Guest]

Acronymfinder says:

LTNS - Long Time No See
LTNS - Little Thicket Nature Sanctuary (Texas)
LTNS - Longer Than Normal Sentence

Take your pick.

Damn! I was just going to delete what I wrote. I was just pmed with the info. I learn something new every day. Go me!

Argh!

 

[flyguy69]

How you doing, Tristesse? I'd have to agree with your statement above as well.

Now, someone tell me what LTNS means. This will drive me nuts all day. I don't understand all internet lango.

Lauren Tollerates No Silliness?

 

[Guest]

mischievousgrin - don't let these guys change your style. The two parts are almost perfect as is. How they're connected is the point in question. To my mind it needs to be a definite break, anything stronger would lose the "hour-glass" format.

I'm outta here, ta-ta.

 

[flyguy69]

How you doing, Tristesse? I'd have to agree with your statement above as well.

Now, someone tell me what LTNS means. This will drive me nuts all day. I don't understand all internet lango.

Later, Tristesse, Now Scat!

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Is this going to be like that time with the T alliterations?

 

[flyguy69]

Is this going to be like that time with the T alliterations?

If you only own a hammer, the whole world's a nail!

Just wait till I learn to rhyme.

 

[annaswirls]

Hi mg, I decided to expland upon the brief suggestions I gave before. I agree 100% about italics, but that alone does not solve the problem.

This is a beautiful poem, to start off, but you are right, the ending IS a bear. You have FOUR people talking, Young father, aged father, Lino, and grandfather (aka Papa.)

I suggest you consider making some slight changes in the format, to separate the time...and the speakers. For example, I added a break between young grandfather talking to papa and then jumping through time, back to Lino.

Of course, the breaks that I made I threw together, knowing if you were to make those breaks, they should be your own


I put some other suggestions in blue.


This was a good exercize!

as


BEFORE I FORGET


My grandfather,
before he came to America,
was a blacksmith.
A fact which I love,
and romanticize shamelessly.

I love even the word: blacksmith.
Squat, heavy, solid as an anvil,
Anchoring this flimsy poem.

And its attendant imagery:
fire, hammer, steel, sparks, sweat
recalling pre-industrial man,
pre-historic man, too;
not to mention the artwork
of early 20th century
European socialist fantasies.
An easy thing to romanticize,
and a hard thing to be.

In New York, he was a mechanic
and then a garage owner.
Putting in the sort of hours
those who start up
doomed internet companies
can relate to.


Anyway.


My father remembers
important things
at random times.

While checking the tilapia on the stove:
..... Lino, I've got that doctor's appointment in two weeks.
.....need a ride home.

Looking through a catalog of budget classical CDs:
.....Lino, I've got too many tomatoes. Take some home with you.

Halfway through dinner:
.....Lino, this is where I hide the key to my filing cabinet
..... with all the important papers. In case you need to get into it.

And last night, during a French film
and a brutal scene of ugly World War One trench warfare,
he paused the movie and said:

.....Lino, I remember one time I was walking with Papa
.....up the street from the garage, to the soda fountain.
.....I was behind him, and began to imitate the way he walked.
.....He turned around quickly, catching me in the act,
.....barking out:

.........."What are you doing?"


.....I lowered my head, unable to look him in the eyes.
.....I knew I was in for it, and answered quietly,

.........."I'm trying to walk how you do."


Then my father paused and looked over my head before continuing.


.....Lino, then my Papa scooped me up and gave me such a hug!

 

[Angeline]

me too.

good morning....ummm...afternoon, Maine.

Afternoon. I took a nap and then I practiced my guitar chords.

Hello.

 

[mischievousgrin]

Wow. Gone all afternoon; now i'm overwhelmed at all the responses & good advice. I can't thank you folks enough for taking the time to pick this apart a bit.

I'll be considering everything that was said, reading all your posts again carefully, and making some changes; i'll probably post the poem in the poetry section in a couple of days. It will definitely be better thanks to your input (which isn't to say it will be good!)

I must admit though, i'm kind of attached to my linking "anyway." !

Thanks again, it's much appreciated.

Lino