Need some help...

[LdyOnyx]

I would like to submit this poem, but I would like to run it by "the board" first.

Give me some imput, suggestions,ect...(is my punctuation correct?) you know, some feedback that could improve the flow..

Thanks,

LdyOnyx


My Hero

If things are not the way you planned
then way are you grinning?

So this, my love is where we stand;
Which one of us is winning?

Its not my place to be out of line;
Better now then later.

I guess I couldn’t see the signs;
You were so much greater.

So tell me now, oh inflicted one,
did I hit you where it hurt?

Funny than, why did you run
when my face was in the dirt?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not that bitter;
There’s still compassion left inside.

But I don’t intend to be your sitter;
Yes, even I have pride.

Just sit back and watch me laugh;
Sweet irony at its best.

I, of course, would offer half,
but I think you need some rest.

You’ve done your part, and I must say
quite well for you, I see.

While you were off to save the world
you kind of forgot about me.

 

[HomerPindar]

I would like to submit this poem, but I would like to run it by "the board" first.

Give me some imput, suggestions,ect...(is my punctuation correct?) you know, some feedback that could improve the flow..

Thanks,

LdyOnyx

by all means... it's what its all about

My Hero

If things are not the way you planned
then way are you grinning?

way? or why?

So this, my love is where we stand;
Which one of us is winning?

Its not my place to be out of line;
Better now then later.

I guess I couldn’t see the signs;
You were so much greater.

So tell me now, oh inflicted one,
did I hit you where it hurt?

Funny than, why did you run
when my face was in the dirt?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not that bitter;
There’s still compassion left inside.

But I don’t intend to be your sitter;
Yes, even I have pride.

Just sit back and watch me laugh;
Sweet irony at its best.

I, of course, would offer half,
but I think you need some rest.

Half of what? it might be implied as "doing my half," but I didn't get that till I read it a second time

You’ve done your part, and I must say
quite well for you, I see.

While you were off to save the world
you kind of forgot about me.

I like the idea that the one going off to save the world would need someone towatch over them, a sitter as it were.

HomerPindar

 

[LdyOnyx]

it is why....thanks for catching that...

What would you suggest for that line...

"I, of course, would offer half...."

I wanted to follow the rhythmic pattern....anyone..If you have any ideas, let me know...

thanks HomerPindar

LdyOnyx

 

[Rybka]

Re: Some help...

Give me some imput, suggestions,ect...(is my punctuation correct?) you know, some feedback that could improve the flow..


My Hero

If things are not the way you planned
then way are you grinning?

. . .

Funny than, why did you run
when my face was in the dirt?

. . .

While you were off to save the world
you kind of forgot about me.

In the second line H.P. is correct. "then way" should be "then why".

"Funny than" should be "funny then" . If you wanted to use "than" you would need a comparative phrase or noun. Such as "funnier than. . . something".

I have trouble with the last line, I really do not like "kind of forgot". Can you rewrite it using something less trite and perhaps more formal English?

By the way "imput" should be input.

Regards,                       Rybka

 

[LdyOnyx]

ah...thanks for your input, me and my clumpsy fingers...sometimes its not my spelling that's the problem; Its my typing...but thanks for pointing that out so diligently...I agree with you about the last line. This was the reason why I posted it before I submitted it.

Perhaps this is better...

While you were off to save the world
You disregarded me.

Hopefully this is a bit more proper..

LdyOnyx

 

[Guest]