Need some feedback please
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Route66Girl
Really Experienced
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- Mar 6, 2002
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It always helps to put up a link to your story in your request for feedback 
Here it is: Of Sex & Skydiving
Congrats on your first story!
Your note at the end says it's true- wow. What an experience, you lucky dog, you! I'd go skydiving in a heartbeat if I had the $$$ to do it. It always seems like it's hundreds of dollars to go the first few times and having to do tandem jumps, etc. But, someday...
Anyway, the story
First, it's good. It's different and exciting. True stories are naturally more engaging than fiction because they're easier to relate to. But you have a bonus in that your experience was exceptional and really thrilling. You describe skydiving well.
Your other strengths are clear: you are usually succinct and without too much description. It would be really easy for a writer, in describing your experience, to have an overabundance of scenery description and drone on about the rush of it. You have just enough of this to sketch it out but focus on "showing" us what happens in a skydive by describing the actions. It's much more effective.
Also, you know how to use dialogue. Since your story is true, that helped. What was said already existed in your memory; you didn't have to invent it completely. Another strength it has is pacing. You kept it moving without getting stuck on any one part.
Okay, now for the suggestions
First, the title. I don't know how many hits the story has gotten, but I remember seeing it on the new list a day or two ago and skipped over it.
It's not because it's a bad title, and this may be just me who thought this; but when I saw the title "Of Sex and Skydiving," I instantly imagined a story about a couple trying to have sex in mid-air. That seemed plain ridiculous and more comical than anything. Not something I'd want to read about. But, when I went to go find your story and post a link to it for you here, the beginning caught me. So here I am doing a critique.
Anyways, you might want to re-think that title. It brings to mind (or at least to my mind) something that probably isn't intended.
There are other problems, including some bad grammar and spelling. There were places where "to" should have been "too", "Laying" should have been "lying, " etc. Some were obviously typos, however, such as "form" obviously needing to be "from."
Also, your dialogue, while well-placed, is lacking in proper punctuation.
"'I could use a Doc if you don't mind.' I mumbled as she pulled off my helmet."
should be:
"I could use a Doc if you don't mind," I mumbled as she pulled off my helmet.
Also, that's one more trap you might want to avoid: following most sentences of dialogue, you tend to use too much despcription. "She said with a grin" "She replied" "I chuckled" etc. Granted, that's often a good thing, but it is possible to do it too much, and I think you're flirting with that flaw. It's all right to leave it up to the reader's imagination to fill in those blanks sometimes.
Well, that's all I have time for right now. But good job, good story, and what an experience!
Sincerely,
R66G
Here it is: Of Sex & Skydiving
Congrats on your first story!
Your note at the end says it's true- wow. What an experience, you lucky dog, you! I'd go skydiving in a heartbeat if I had the $$$ to do it. It always seems like it's hundreds of dollars to go the first few times and having to do tandem jumps, etc. But, someday...
Anyway, the story
First, it's good. It's different and exciting. True stories are naturally more engaging than fiction because they're easier to relate to. But you have a bonus in that your experience was exceptional and really thrilling. You describe skydiving well.
Your other strengths are clear: you are usually succinct and without too much description. It would be really easy for a writer, in describing your experience, to have an overabundance of scenery description and drone on about the rush of it. You have just enough of this to sketch it out but focus on "showing" us what happens in a skydive by describing the actions. It's much more effective.
Also, you know how to use dialogue. Since your story is true, that helped. What was said already existed in your memory; you didn't have to invent it completely. Another strength it has is pacing. You kept it moving without getting stuck on any one part.
Okay, now for the suggestions
First, the title. I don't know how many hits the story has gotten, but I remember seeing it on the new list a day or two ago and skipped over it.
It's not because it's a bad title, and this may be just me who thought this; but when I saw the title "Of Sex and Skydiving," I instantly imagined a story about a couple trying to have sex in mid-air. That seemed plain ridiculous and more comical than anything. Not something I'd want to read about. But, when I went to go find your story and post a link to it for you here, the beginning caught me. So here I am doing a critique.
Anyways, you might want to re-think that title. It brings to mind (or at least to my mind) something that probably isn't intended.
There are other problems, including some bad grammar and spelling. There were places where "to" should have been "too", "Laying" should have been "lying, " etc. Some were obviously typos, however, such as "form" obviously needing to be "from."
Also, your dialogue, while well-placed, is lacking in proper punctuation.
"'I could use a Doc if you don't mind.' I mumbled as she pulled off my helmet."
should be:
"I could use a Doc if you don't mind," I mumbled as she pulled off my helmet.
Also, that's one more trap you might want to avoid: following most sentences of dialogue, you tend to use too much despcription. "She said with a grin" "She replied" "I chuckled" etc. Granted, that's often a good thing, but it is possible to do it too much, and I think you're flirting with that flaw. It's all right to leave it up to the reader's imagination to fill in those blanks sometimes.
Well, that's all I have time for right now. But good job, good story, and what an experience!
Sincerely,
R66G
Last edited:
I'm the last one to carp about English problems, but your miscues detracted from a very good story.
I have plenty of excuses for why I'm so bad, but let me tell you some of the tricks I use to catch my screw-ups.
1.)
Re-read your story in a different format from the way you wrote it. The way I do it is, after I've decided it's perfect, I print the whole thing out. Then, with highlighter in hand, I read the printed pages out loud. It's amazing how many yellow squiggles wind up on my “perfect” story. I still don't catch them all, but at least people have stopped asking if English is my second language.
2.)
You're never too old to learn. On the index page, there's a link called “Writer's Resources.” I feel guilty that I didn't pay for the education I got from that page.
I disagree with Route66girl about “real” vs. “fiction.” A good storyteller can weave a tale around the most mundane, and a poor one can make the Apocalypse sound boring. True or not, your story was fun and exciting. I'll bet you could come up with something just as good set in a basket weaving class.
I have plenty of excuses for why I'm so bad, but let me tell you some of the tricks I use to catch my screw-ups.
1.)
Re-read your story in a different format from the way you wrote it. The way I do it is, after I've decided it's perfect, I print the whole thing out. Then, with highlighter in hand, I read the printed pages out loud. It's amazing how many yellow squiggles wind up on my “perfect” story. I still don't catch them all, but at least people have stopped asking if English is my second language.
2.)
You're never too old to learn. On the index page, there's a link called “Writer's Resources.” I feel guilty that I didn't pay for the education I got from that page.
I disagree with Route66girl about “real” vs. “fiction.” A good storyteller can weave a tale around the most mundane, and a poor one can make the Apocalypse sound boring. True or not, your story was fun and exciting. I'll bet you could come up with something just as good set in a basket weaving class.
Route66Girl
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Mar 6, 2002
- Posts
- 229
I'm flattered
I'd be happy to help out. When you're ready to post your next story, I'm an email away
However, I feel obligated to warn you, I'm no expert. I may be able to see some mistakes, but the rules which dictate the structure of the English language are many, and I confess to (very) minimal expertise. I'm new to critiquing and have never edited anyone else's work. I'm certain that my stuff is chock-full of nasty errors that I don't even recognize.
Margo's suggestion about doing a printout is a good one, especially when it comes to finding those pesky spelling and grammar errors.
I've also heard it said that reading it aloud to yourself or a friend can help you detect hitches in flow, style, etc.
If you ever want to tackle grammar problems on your own, try Strunk's Elements of Style. There's an online version that Whispersecret turned me on to, and I've put a link to it here. It helped me out immensely.
And Margo, regarding true stories vs. fiction- I agree that the level of interest in either kind of story depends on the talent of the storyteller. I just meant that when it comes to true stories, a reader's imagination is naturally more stimulated because they know it actually happened. When you know that what you're reading is fictitious, there's a sort of "safe zone" in your head that says, "But this is just a bs story."
Like in movies. You look at Friday the 13th part V and go, "Yeah, right." But you look at the horrific events depicted in "Schindler's List" and your gut plummets and your heart leaps to your throat. A well-told story that speaks of a true event is always more powerful. At least for me.
Your comment has made me think about it quite a bit, however. Might even make for an interesting thread over on the Author's Hangout.
Sincerely,
R66G
Strunk's Elements of Style
I'd be happy to help out. When you're ready to post your next story, I'm an email away
However, I feel obligated to warn you, I'm no expert. I may be able to see some mistakes, but the rules which dictate the structure of the English language are many, and I confess to (very) minimal expertise. I'm new to critiquing and have never edited anyone else's work. I'm certain that my stuff is chock-full of nasty errors that I don't even recognize.
Margo's suggestion about doing a printout is a good one, especially when it comes to finding those pesky spelling and grammar errors.
I've also heard it said that reading it aloud to yourself or a friend can help you detect hitches in flow, style, etc.
If you ever want to tackle grammar problems on your own, try Strunk's Elements of Style. There's an online version that Whispersecret turned me on to, and I've put a link to it here. It helped me out immensely.
And Margo, regarding true stories vs. fiction- I agree that the level of interest in either kind of story depends on the talent of the storyteller. I just meant that when it comes to true stories, a reader's imagination is naturally more stimulated because they know it actually happened. When you know that what you're reading is fictitious, there's a sort of "safe zone" in your head that says, "But this is just a bs story."
Like in movies. You look at Friday the 13th part V and go, "Yeah, right." But you look at the horrific events depicted in "Schindler's List" and your gut plummets and your heart leaps to your throat. A well-told story that speaks of a true event is always more powerful. At least for me.
Your comment has made me think about it quite a bit, however. Might even make for an interesting thread over on the Author's Hangout.
Sincerely,
R66G
Strunk's Elements of Style
It's in your mind
Gosh, could you pick a more ridiculous comparison?
In matters of human tragedy, reality always has the upper hand, since real dead people are more compelling than fictitious dead people.
But how about suspense? Which would you rate as more suspenseful: Jodie Foster, Anthony Hopkins and the fictitious "Silence of the Lambs?" Or Kevin Costner and the true, historically-based "Thirteen Days?" Most critical and popular acclaim will give the nod to the former, hands down. Does that mean fiction is more naturally suspenseful than real events?
But what about a sex story? Does it really make a difference for you that the author claims "this actually happened?" And how do you know that claim is true, apart from the story being told in a way that makes it seem true?
So, in the final analysis, Margo is right: it all boils down to the talent of the storyteller, not the purported basis in fact. "True" stories can read like "Penthouse Forum" (i.e., garbage) or they can be wonderful. It's all up to the storyteller. And if with sex stories one is more naturally drawn to 'true' accounts, that seems to me a by-product of self-inducement. There is no natural reason for preferring the one over the other, since there is no objective basis for discerning fiction from reality in that genre in the first place.
Route66Girl said:
Gosh, could you pick a more ridiculous comparison?
In matters of human tragedy, reality always has the upper hand, since real dead people are more compelling than fictitious dead people.
But how about suspense? Which would you rate as more suspenseful: Jodie Foster, Anthony Hopkins and the fictitious "Silence of the Lambs?" Or Kevin Costner and the true, historically-based "Thirteen Days?" Most critical and popular acclaim will give the nod to the former, hands down. Does that mean fiction is more naturally suspenseful than real events?
But what about a sex story? Does it really make a difference for you that the author claims "this actually happened?" And how do you know that claim is true, apart from the story being told in a way that makes it seem true?
So, in the final analysis, Margo is right: it all boils down to the talent of the storyteller, not the purported basis in fact. "True" stories can read like "Penthouse Forum" (i.e., garbage) or they can be wonderful. It's all up to the storyteller. And if with sex stories one is more naturally drawn to 'true' accounts, that seems to me a by-product of self-inducement. There is no natural reason for preferring the one over the other, since there is no objective basis for discerning fiction from reality in that genre in the first place.
BodaciousTease
Virgin
- Joined
- Jul 11, 2002
- Posts
- 15
So So
Jesus Christ, "Do I pull the cord or not?!!!!! Sarah must have been a wild one. I mean, I myself feel the question when I'm on a bridge "do I jump or not" but I wouldn't do it!!! God, at least I hope I wouldn't.
Anyway, that's totally besides the point of what I'm writing about -- or is it?. What did I think about the story?
Oh . . .<thinking> . . . . . . it was so so.
I agree with the others that your handling of the pacing and the dialogue was done well and agree also the amount of description was just perfect. It was the sex part -- for me that felt flat and weak, I mean really weak.
Not to say that I thought the act of you having sex on the ground with this vixen of a girl riding you or some girl riding some guy while he's hurt on his hard cock would not be hot or near nirvana for you -- or anyone else for that matter, but your ability as a writer to bring it to life and make it feel real to me as a reader fell flat.
The: ‘"Ooooooh god I am gonna cum. Oh yes, right there, there, yes... uuuuuuuuuugh that's it" Sarah moaned loudly. "Yessssssssssss... I am cumming... ugh.. "' part is so weak. I HATE reading that kind of dialogue. I mean I‘m sure being vocal is hot, and all that, I won't for a minute dispute that, but writers, weak writers in my humble and admittedly single opinion, use this as a crutch in describing the sexual act -- often as a substitute for brining a very real, honest and hot emotional experience to life. If you have heard the saying that writers need to show and not tell, well this is telling and now showing, in my opinion. And it's a pretty poor attempt at telling, I might add.
You should never have to repeat the consonant in a word to give the speaker feel or meaning such as: "Yessssssssss, I'm Cummmmmminnnnnnnng Ohhhhhhhh Godddddddd, I'‘'mmmmmm cummming, YESSSSSSSSSSSS -- SLAP ME ON THE ASS AND CALL ME BITCH!!!!!" --
Well, you get the idea. If a writer has to do that, then there is something missing in their writing. You really have to reach down deep, deep down and pull from the depth of your soul what's happening here, and only when you do that will it be hot for me.
In reflection, it seems to me that what I really am interested in is what makes Sarah tick. What I continually think about, after having read the story, is not the story at all but your three sentance post-script about it being a true story. This is a wild woman and to get closer to her in understanding her a little bit more would make the "fuck ride" a lot more real to me -- but then that's just my opinion.
If it were me I would start off at her funeral -- just the first paragraph or so and then remember her in the time you had sex while sky diving, I know it's a bit creepy, but since you're presenting this as real –why not make it feel real, it would bring a hell of a lot more power to the story.
Just some honest thoughts -- I gave your story a 3 -- not bad. The things you do well, you do real well, but there is a lot of room to improve.
B Tease
Jesus Christ, "Do I pull the cord or not?!!!!! Sarah must have been a wild one. I mean, I myself feel the question when I'm on a bridge "do I jump or not" but I wouldn't do it!!! God, at least I hope I wouldn't.
Anyway, that's totally besides the point of what I'm writing about -- or is it?. What did I think about the story?
Oh . . .<thinking> . . . . . . it was so so.
I agree with the others that your handling of the pacing and the dialogue was done well and agree also the amount of description was just perfect. It was the sex part -- for me that felt flat and weak, I mean really weak.
Not to say that I thought the act of you having sex on the ground with this vixen of a girl riding you or some girl riding some guy while he's hurt on his hard cock would not be hot or near nirvana for you -- or anyone else for that matter, but your ability as a writer to bring it to life and make it feel real to me as a reader fell flat.
The: ‘"Ooooooh god I am gonna cum. Oh yes, right there, there, yes... uuuuuuuuuugh that's it" Sarah moaned loudly. "Yessssssssssss... I am cumming... ugh.. "' part is so weak. I HATE reading that kind of dialogue. I mean I‘m sure being vocal is hot, and all that, I won't for a minute dispute that, but writers, weak writers in my humble and admittedly single opinion, use this as a crutch in describing the sexual act -- often as a substitute for brining a very real, honest and hot emotional experience to life. If you have heard the saying that writers need to show and not tell, well this is telling and now showing, in my opinion. And it's a pretty poor attempt at telling, I might add.
You should never have to repeat the consonant in a word to give the speaker feel or meaning such as: "Yessssssssss, I'm Cummmmmminnnnnnnng Ohhhhhhhh Godddddddd, I'‘'mmmmmm cummming, YESSSSSSSSSSSS -- SLAP ME ON THE ASS AND CALL ME BITCH!!!!!" --
Well, you get the idea. If a writer has to do that, then there is something missing in their writing. You really have to reach down deep, deep down and pull from the depth of your soul what's happening here, and only when you do that will it be hot for me.
In reflection, it seems to me that what I really am interested in is what makes Sarah tick. What I continually think about, after having read the story, is not the story at all but your three sentance post-script about it being a true story. This is a wild woman and to get closer to her in understanding her a little bit more would make the "fuck ride" a lot more real to me -- but then that's just my opinion.
If it were me I would start off at her funeral -- just the first paragraph or so and then remember her in the time you had sex while sky diving, I know it's a bit creepy, but since you're presenting this as real –why not make it feel real, it would bring a hell of a lot more power to the story.
Just some honest thoughts -- I gave your story a 3 -- not bad. The things you do well, you do real well, but there is a lot of room to improve.
B Tease
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Thank for for your honesty BT, and I have reread it several times and I have come to agree with a lot you have said. Unfortunately, I do not have it in me to rewrite it, it was more of a cleansing of a memory past. But I most certainly will keep your thoughts and advice in mind when I finish this next story and send it out for editing.
