Need some feedback on my short story (teacher and student)

[MightyZor]

Hello guys and girls. I have written this story about a year ago and was very surprised to see how many times it has been viewed. I thought it would just be forgotten.
I would really appreciate if you could give suggestions for future stories of mine, in terms of writing, style, and anything else.
I am not planning to be a professional writer or anything of that sort. My first language is not English.

plot: a girl is about to fail the class, needs to get the grade from the teacher. Seduces him. Teacher is trying to be a good husband. Student gets the grade.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=73414

 

[MightyZor]

please?

 

[Guest]

I loved it.

And sticking to it.

 

[MLyons]

Hello MightyZor,

Your story had an in with me because of the premise. I get a buzz out of sex fantasies that arise from an uneven power footing, if that makes any sense. One ofthe situations in which this exists is the teacher / student relationship.

In any case, I liked the IDEA of the story more than I liked its execution. Aside from several grammatical and punctuation/capitalization errors, there was a lot of "tell", and not enough "show"--meaning that you were keen to tell us about the characters rather than letting them speak and act for themselves. This is the kind of thing that takes more effort on the part of the writer, but pays big dividends in allowing us to get a sense of the situation and the characters involved in it.

That said, your story seemed a little... 2 dimensional and undeveloped for my tastes. It's not that I question its plausibility, but you did very little in terms of dialogue and detail to make the situation REAL, so it was harder for me to suspend my disbelief about how both characters start vs. how they end up.

There were also a little strangeness regarding point of view (up until about half way through the story, you concentrate only on the feelings of George, and then suddenly we are privy to a few of Sofia's thoughts). It seemed a little jarring to me--not that this wouldn't work, it just seemed kind of haphazard in this case. Maybe I'm wrong. Heck, I probably am.

You also confuse tenses sometimes, moving from the past to present tense and back again seemingly without realizing it. Although this doesn't markedly detract from the story of itself, it can disrupt the flow of reading and interpretting what's happening. It's a mechanical mistake that should be corrected if you want to maximize your readership, I think.

Overall, I really liked the premise... the idea of the student desperate to seduce her teacher to get a grade, and the teacher finally giving in to his baser instincts despite his wife at home, but I simply didn't sense that tension to the degree that I wanted to. The end is sweet, but... kind of feels like a fake facade. The passion, the tension, and the fire just isn't there enough to justify Sofia's words to George at the end. A little more attention to dialogue, set up and characterization might have gone a long way to making this story more erotic and enjoyable.

But what do I know, really? My stories have issues of their own. Take it or leave it, and please know this is only one guy's opinion. Hope that helped...

 

[Guest]

I loved it.

And sticking to it.

 

[Sappholovers]

I have been a teacher for over 20 years. I have never heard about a situation where a student is willing to fuck a teacher for a better grade. Yes, I know that professors have become involved with students, but the motivation is something more charged with emotion than fucking for a grade. I would prefer to see a story where the 'charge' between professor and student is more one where both professor and student are excited by a wonderful aphrodisiac: intelligence or intellectual curiosity or a passion for writing and the creative use of language. For mne, this story is about an abuse of power on the part of the teacher..... It would be more erotic if their was some other motiation beyond grade grubbing on the part of the student and getting off on the part of the teacher.

 

[Sappholovers]

Correction of last posting for typos

I have been a teacher for over 20 years. I have never heard about a situation where a student is willing to fuck a teacher for a better grade. Yes, I know that professors have become involved with students, but the motivation is something more charged with emotion than fucking for a grade.

I would prefer to see a story where the 'charge' between professor and student is more one where both professor and student are excited by a wonderful aphrodisiac: intelligence or intellectual curiosity or a passion for writing and the creative use of language.

For me, this story is about an abuse of power on the part of the teacher..... It would be more erotic if there was some other motivation beyond grade grubbing on the part of the student and getting off on the part of the teacher.


__________________

 

[Guest]

Hello guys and girls. I have written this story about a year ago and was very surprised to see how many times it has been viewed. I thought it would just be forgotten.
I would really appreciate if you could give suggestions for future stories of mine, in terms of writing, style, and anything else.
I am not planning to be a professional writer or anything of that sort. My first language is not English.

plot: a girl is about to fail the class, needs to get the grade from the teacher. Seduces him. Teacher is trying to be a good husband. Student gets the grade.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=73414

Hi MZ -

It is a solid start, but I have a few suggestions that may help your overall presentation.

First: Get a proofreader. Someone for whom English is their first language. They would catch the little mistakes that are probably more difficult for you to find.

Next: Grammar checker. Use the same person, perhaps? And be sure to utilize whatever computer program you have to aid in this area. You have far too many misplaced periods, commas, and apostrophes.

Remove the ellipses ( . . . .) Frustrating to read, and not necessary.

Watch the changing tenses. Stories told in the past are really easier to write and the reader can become part of the action more easily. Present tense is more difficult because unless the person reading it is the same sex/age/whatever, they can't really put themselves into the story. And future? Only for dreams and fantasies, baby.

As MLyons previously posted, you begin the story telling us what is in Georges' mind, yet for a few paragraphs you sudenly switch to Sofia. That isn't a good idea in any story unless you're going to switch back and forth consistently (and even then it makes it a difficult read).

(You know it would actually make it more much erotic to read how George noticed how wet she was, for example, rather than Sofia's own mental description of those facts.)

Also some of your paragraphs need to be shorter. I do like your descriptions but they need to be broken up just a bit for more effect.

What I really had trouble reading was your character dialogue. It isn't believable. At all. You need to break it apart, use separate paragraphs when different people speak, use shorter sentences.

Example: (from your story)
(Sofia said) "Well, I only got sixty four percent Mr.Evans, that's horrible, and I realize it is my fault that I didn't study enough, but I must do so much extracurricular stuff. Is there anything we can do about this?"

George looked at Sofia for a couple of seconds, smiled, and said:

"I am really sorry Sofia, but unfortunately there is nothing that can be done. Everyone in your class received the same test, so it's fair and square. Understand that I can't favor students, because it's unfair to the others. I am also sure it wont' affect your transcript that much. What are you so worried about?"

EXAMPLE: edited: "Well, Mr. Evans," Sofia said breathlessly, "I only got sixty-four percent! I know it's my fault, I know I should have studied harder, but I really need a good grade in this class!"

George sighed. "I know you're disappointed, Sofia, but I'm afraid you're going to get the grade you've earned."

"Mr. Evans," Sofia continued desperately, "Is there anything I can I do for extra credit?"

George shook his head slightly. "It's too late for that now, Sofia. Besides, it wouldn't be fair if you were the only student allowed to do extra credit."

"But this is going to mess up my transcript!" Sofia wailed.

"Young lady," George began. "Settle down. Why is this one grade so important?"

Don't be afraid to take some time with the dialogue (especially if it is going to work up into some great sex).

When you finish a story, read it out loud. It is so much easier to catch stilted language, odd sentences, or past/present tense problems.

Hope some of this helps?

Good luck!

 

[Guest]

*bumped* 'cause I've never heard back from MZ -