Need some advice

[FurryFury]

Seldom considered and absolutely true despite fiction and ignorant who refuse to think or research but take popular ideas as fact.

FF

Judging a girl's arousal by how wet she is, is like judging a guy's arousal by how hard his cock is; it's not always reliable.

 

[brokentoy2011]

As someone who has withheld fantasies, I can explain from that perspective what was going on in my mind and maybe help from that angle. I grew up with every negative prejudicial stereotype possible attached to anything sexual. So my fantasies were something I was deeply ashamed of. But they were also my escape from reality. Just telling them to someone meant they became a source of worry and concern instead of a source of pleasure. Always first in my mind was how I would be rejected for thinking the things I was thinking.

Another issue I had was that some fanatasies were just for fantasizing. Deep down I was too terrified to ever act them out, but thinking about them was certainly safe. It took a while before I learned that I had to specify which ones were for thinking and which were for acting out. Being told that someone accepts you for who you are is very differnet than 'knowing' they accept you for who you are.

Just keep communicating.

 

[DeathAndTaxes]

Everyone has posted such eloquent and thoughtful responses, and I confess I don't have much of value to add. But one thing that I will pick out of your initial post that is that you have to take her hand and put it on your penis? I think that speaks volumes right there. Of course bedroom adventures aren't ALL about the genitals, but for heaven's sakes, it is the one venue where there should be an unmistaken interest. Maybe in her mind just being there and naked should be enough? I don't know, but as many people have already said, you can either take the hard road and work on some serious communication, or maybe find yourself another partner who will be more considerate of the whole situation and not just their own needs. Bedroom issues can be some of the most stubborn to work out because they are so unconscious and primal;not like talking about who does what chores or finances, etc.

 

[Netzach]

thanks for all the advice guys. she is 20 i am 23, and we have been together for almost year. outside of the bedroom we could not be more compatible, it is creepy at times how in sync and similar we are. I have tried to talk about this with her several times and we are actually having another discussion tonight about it, but it never works. she just rolls her eyes and doesnt believe me when i say she is lazy. and sometimes she even agrees with me! and says "yea im pretty lazy". we argue over that but nothing changes.

As for the list thing, we both do want the same things, at least ive said what i want and she has said what she wants and they are basically the same exact things, but when i try and give her what she wants

sidebar: she has all her fantasies worked out in her head, she tells me every time she masturbates ( the one thing i have control over) that she is go over all these scenes in her head and they get her aroused. but she wont tell me what they are unless i crowbar them out of her over the course of a month.

and guess how she wants it to go i dont seem to be getting anywhere. i want some give and take but im nbot getting any. usually when you dom someone (an ex in the past anyway) you get some reaction from your sub! otherwise what is the point?

OK, you sound like you need to do some communication stuff if you even care at this point. Basic 101 couple communicating stuff.

I know you're ridiculously past the point of frustration and it feels like you've done all this, but do yourself a favor and sit down with her forgetting everything you've been through in the past, just let it go. Treat it like a new conversation separate from all the others.

Take out all accusatory language. This is the rule of the conversation. "Lazy" is a word that's not on the table for either of you to describe anyone. Outline the problem in an unemotional and approachable way. "Maybe you can help me understand this."

I think she expects you to "just know" and I think that you need to express that this isn't a reasonable expectation for anyone to have, and I think you need to meet in the middle somewhere.

You also might be misreading her reactions. I've been with submissives who DO need to be coaxed into sexual interaction because they feel that it's not their place to touch anything without direction/permission/green lighting in some way. It's actually a compliment, but your sexual needs may be incompatible with it.

 

[DVS]

I'm sure this is going to sound like I don't give a shit and she doesn't have an opinion. But, why are you trying to follow her fantasy ideas? She's the sub, right? Isn't she suppose to go with what you want?

You say you've already decided that both of you want the same things, but her fantasies aren't working to her expectations. How about your fantasies? Maybe she would enjoy being your submissive more, if you got more into what you want to do, and not what she wants.

I know I enjoy things a certain way and if I don't get them just so, I sometimes lose interest. But, that's why I'm a dom and not a sub. I have that control to make things happen my way. I need that control. I can't get into the scene without it. But, when I get into the scene, something comes over me, endorphins or something...that dominant person comes out. I get excited. She gets excited. It's a chemical thing between dom and sub. I'm enjoying my dominance over her and she enjoys submitting...submitting my way.

Sure, I try to keep things within what she enjoys, too, but I don't do it her way, I do it my way. I know that simple fact...if I don't enjoy it, she won't enjoy it. The only way I can enjoy it is to tie her in positions I find satisfying, not what she finds exciting. I spank her my way. If I want, I'll gag her. If I want her ass, I take it.

All of these things have been talked out before hand, and are within her limits as a submissive. After that, she is just there for me to use. Unless she uses her safe word, she's my fuck toy to use my way.

 

[DVS]

I just read the post about medications. I don't know if she is on any medications that could interfere with her climax, but there are some that do. I take Zoloft and when I first started with it, I lost interest in sex. In the beginning, it was a time when I was just glad to feel "sane" again, so I wasn't bothered by it. But, it took a while before I was able to preform and a little longer before I could get into it enough to cum.

In time, that issue went away and I'm all better, now. The point is, there are medications that can complicate sexual enjoyment. Some people can have adverse side effects to almost any medication. If you check out a PDR, you will find many medications can list complications with sexual enjoyment as a side effect. It doesn't have to be a drug that deals with mental issues. Side effects can come from normal, every day drugs...normal for most people, unless you're one of the few that experience the side effects.

 

[shy slave]

I'm sure this is going to sound like I don't give a shit and she doesn't have an opinion. But, why are you trying to follow her fantasy ideas? She's the sub, right? Isn't she suppose to go with what you want?

<SNIP>

The only way I can enjoy it is to tie her in positions I find satisfying, not what she finds exciting. I spank her my way. If I want, I'll gag her. If I want her ass, I take it.

All of these things have been talked out before hand, and are within her limits as a submissive. After that, she is just there for me to use. Unless she uses her safe word, she's my fuck toy to use my way.

I love this post.

It says everything the OP needs to know.

Maybe you should give lessons DVS

 

[m0r1arty]

Obviously you are not compatible. Get a new girlfriend.

This is the best solution IMO.