Need some advice...

[Belletrist]

Hi all,

I've been a lurker for a long time, this is my first post. I've spent the last couple of hours browsing this forum and couldn't really find an answer to my question so I was hoping to get some feedback.

I'm 21 years old and I have a boyfriend who is also 21, we've been dating for about a year. We're trying to make this long distance relationship work (we live about 4 hours away from each other and see each other two weekends a month), but honestly, the sex is less than stellar.

Firstly, he has a really hard time lasting very long (to be honest, I think our longest has been about 5 minutes). We've tried using the condoms that are supposed to help with that sort of thing, but it really didn't make for much of a difference. Most times we do have sex, I don't cum at all. Afterwards, he realizes this and just looks so defeated that he can't last very long. Honestly, now that I think about it, most times when I do cum with him, I have to hold a vibrator on my clit at the same time.

This isn't the biggest problem though. The biggest problem is that he doesn't really believe in foreplay. To an extreme. He doesn't go down on me, he doesn't really finger me, we barely even make out or anything beforehand. He just expects me to be able to jump in the sack and cum immediately. I've tried talking to him about this before and he says that he'll try and that he's just not an affectionate person. Nothing has improved though. At all. I don't find this true though because he is very affectionate in other ways: holding my hand, kissing my forehead etc.

His biggest turn on is when I give him blow jobs that he says are incredible. I've been trying lately to work him up really fast and then stop touching entirely because I heard that by doing that increases your stamina. Now it's gotten to the point where most of the time, he doesn't want to have sex...he just wants a blowjob. We have a vibrator that we use in the bedroom, and sometimes he uses it on me, but he just doesn't seem to do it right. I've tried guiding his hand with mine, but it only lasts for a few seconds and I'm still left completely unsatisfied.

The last weekend I spent with him, we got into a fight about sex. He says that I want it all the time and he feels pressured. I'm trying really hard not to be that way, but it's hard because I honestly haven't had an orgasm that wasn't self-induced in over a month.

So I guess this is my question. How do I deal with this? I love him very much, but if he's not willing to listen to me and the things I need sexually, I'm not so sure I want to stay. Is it normal to be having these problems at 21? Is there anything else I can try?

Any help would be very much appreciated.

Thank you!

 

[blueyz22]

Do yourself a favor and tell him you want an "open" relationship. Then you can do what you want, when you want, with whomever you want. Sounds like a typical guy that only cares if his dick gets sucked.

You're still young, you'll learn. Your needs are just as important as his. If he's not meeting them, it's time to move on!

 

[gigaheadman]

i guess i would try to explain (again) just how important this issue is to you. you end up feeling guilty even though he is the one making you go down on him, yet refuses to return the favor??? no thats not right!

you deserve someone who will embrace your body, love and romanticise it. it sounds like your man *could* do it, but won't.

maybe show him this thread? explain to him just how important it is to you. and get him to look at the very first reply (by blueyz22)!! if he has a cry about how you've been to open to strangers on internet forums bla bla bla and totally misses the point, then he is way too overemotional and selfish. sounds like you are a great girlfriend with normal needs and desires, and he is making you feel guilty (not right!!)

and personally i cannot fathom the idea that a 21 year old guy;
1. doesnt want to please his girl
2. doesnt want to sexually experiement with his girl
3. feels like you are some horny bitch cause you want sex twice a month????

realistically, where do you see the relationship going? if this is how he is around his sexual peak, then how many years of frustration and continual fighting ahead of you are there?

shape up or ship out!!
do keep us updated with what you do and what happens

 

[emap]

Not all of us women are capable of having an orgasm without direct clitoral contact. So in that respect, it's not his fault, or yours.

As for the rest, dump his sad sack butt. No seriously, if your sex life sucks and it's not because of the distance or the fact you only see each other for two weekends a month, he's not doing it for you sexually, and that is a problem.

He may be a great guy, but if he doesn't try and pleasure you before or after he gets off, he doesn't care about you. He of course swears he does and he does outside of the bedroom, but in the bedroom he gets his rocks off and falls asleep, he's treating you like property not a loved member of his life.

Holding hands and kissing in public is great, but if he does not continue to do it in private, he is simply showing ownership in public and that's it. Some women, and men really like their partner to do that, though these relationships also have great sex, if your not getting great sex and still being treated like property, dump him. Forcefully throwing him out is the method I would choose, perhaps with a baseball bat.

A person who does not readily hold hands or kiss in public but is a dynamo in private is shy, a person who is the opposite thinks of you as property, a handy cum receptacle and nothing else.

 

[Anomily]

Do yourself a favor and tell him you want an "open" relationship. Then you can do what you want, when you want, with whomever you want. Sounds like a typical guy that only cares if his dick gets sucked.

You're still young, you'll learn. Your needs are just as important as his. If he's not meeting them, it's time to move on!

While this could work out, I'd carefully consider not only his feelings but yours too before you try it. Many people tie sex very strongly to love and this is not a bad thing, but if you feel this way and attempt an open relationship, I can't see any good outcome. If you want your relationship with him to work, you will have to find some way to solve the sex problems. If an open relationship works for both of you, fine, but if either of you has doubts, don't do it. If both people are happy with the idea, open relationships can be great. If they aren't, they are poison.

As for my opinion on the problem as a whole, I'm leaning towards agreeing with the "dump him and move on, he doesn't seem to care about your pleasure and this will only grow to be more of a problem" crowd. I have a hard time believe that he can't last more than 5 minutes. It'd be much easier to believe that he chooses not to.

 

[sunandshadow]

I have met this type of person, who simply lacks interest in their partner's pleasure. There's no point being patient, they're not going to change, at least not with you (every once in a while falling madly in love will cause this type of person to become less self-centered, but it's uncommon). I don't usually just give advice to 'dump them' but this is not a communication issue, it's purely on his part, and not going to change, so I don't see that anything could be gained or salvaged by not dumping him.

 

[extm_pleasure]

This isn't the biggest problem though. The biggest problem is that he doesn't really believe in foreplay. To an extreme. He doesn't go down on me, he doesn't really finger me, we barely even make out or anything beforehand. He just expects me to be able to jump in the sack and cum immediately. I've tried talking to him about this before and he says that he'll try and that he's just not an affectionate person. Nothing has improved though. At all. I don't find this true though because he is very affectionate in other ways: holding my hand, kissing my forehead etc.

Wow. We sound like were pretty much in the same ole boat.
My husband lives two hours away and works full time. I'm
living with my parents because I've been having completications
with my pregnancy.

My husband is also lets just get it over with but blow me. He rarely if
ever goes down on me or finger me. He's come along way from
when we were dating tho. He wouldn't do most of the things we do.

This maybe hard to understand him and where the heck he's coming
from, I think in the long run talk to him. Tell, him that how you feel,
in my case I used the term "ignoring foreplay" or "ignoring me and what
pleasures me". Maybe something happened in the past that wasn't the
greatest of experiences like with my husband, but I told him that was
someone else not all women are alike.

I hope that helped.
I suck at typing and making sense.

 

[thetwolezz]

Belletrist,
So you are both 21 years old and discontent with your sex life. Fast forward 10 years down the road with a man that doesnt want foreplay. You'll either be 1. cheating 2. insane or 3. insanely depressed. Think about your future and what you can and cant accept. If you think he might EVEN be 'the one' then counseling is in order. Piss on him if he refuses! ..not literally...

 

[Mansa Musa]

Dump him and find someone else. If he isn't willing to put in the neessary work to help you achieve satisfaction now, he isn't going to flip some sort of "matrimony means equality" switch when you exchange rings. It's going to be more of the same, year after year, until you

1. Find out that he's cheating on you with any available barfly (or, just maybe, the woman who he really loves.
2. Start cheating on him with the first guy who shows you any sort of positive attention.
(Why am I saying this? Because, AFAIK, this guy's just doing all of the right things in public. If/When the two of you are married, he's going to revert to his {once again, AFAIK} selfish nature. Those sweet hugs and kisses? Gone, because he's got you so why try...?)
3. Look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself how he convinced you to let him
a. Beat you with a whip and pour hot candle wax on your nipples.
b. Find a woman willing to lick your pussy.
c. Find a strange man who was willing to lick your pussy.
d. Find a group of men for a gangbang session.
e. Record you and an animal in a sexual clinch.
f. Fuck you during your son's piano recital, in earshot and full view of his classmates' parents.

If he's unwilling to please you now, he may be the type of guy who's a bit more sexually experimentative than average. And not in the "He's been so good to me, so I'll let him indulge himself and get a few jollies of my own." manner, but in the "He's paying attention to me, thank God!", manner. And, in case you didn't know, adults can be groomed for "abnormal" sexual activity. If it's your destiny to be "kinky", I'd rather it come about by pleasureable means, not as a last minute "I gotta save my marriage" measure. Because the "I'll save my marriage by eating pussy/sucking someone else's dick/fucking a dog", gambit doesn't work.

 

[thetwolezz]

The above list...

Gawd that was a great/hott list.

 

[twiggy_the_spider]

you know, I just wrote a very understanding post but then I re-read your original post. Doesn't beleive in foreplay? At all? Nuffin? in which case I will lend you my sneakers to further you running away.

Edit: this advice from a woman who is alone this evening because her boyfriend is much more interested in the new Indiana Jones movie.

 

[bailadora]

Edit: this advice from a woman who is alone this evening because her boyfriend is much more interested in the new Indiana Jones movie.

Oh - do I feel your pain. The husband got kind of huffy 'cause I couldn't find a sitter for this evening. Bet I end up staying home while he goes to watch Indy.

 

[subwannabe]

I agree with the dump him now post. Why would you want to be with a guy who doesn't give a shit about pleasing you sexually?

 

[AgonySceneGirl]

I agree with the dump him now post. Why would you want to be with a guy who doesn't give a shit about pleasing you sexually?

the way i see it - if he isnt willing to put forth even a little bit of effort to please you sexually - how does he plan on pleasing you emotionally? As far as i'm concerned - Sex is suppose to be very intimate, not just "hey lets fuck" but its suppose to mean something. Suppose to increase the connection between the 2 people.

 

[LizKitten]

I went to see Indy with my Dad... it was great. =D Harrison Ford is still the hottest thing in a fedora with pants.

Anyway.

I'm not saying dump him, just because if you dump him while you still love him then you'll always look back and think, 'what if what if what if.' What I -am- saying is that I sure as hell don't give oral sex when it's not -ever- reciprocated, and I don't think you should either. If he won't put out for you, sweetie, don't put out for him. Be willing to hear him out, but be sure that when he spiels you the same bullshit that you've heard before, you tell him you want to know how he -really- feels. Then maybe you can drag the truth out of him.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Hi Bellatrist

It does sound like this guy is making zero effort and getting amazing blowjobs in return, why would he bother changing that setup by actually giving a shit about your pleasure?

You need to communicate that the fact you continue to want sex is because he doesn't satisfy you. You'd have to be some kind of biological freak to climax from the attention you're currently getting.

It's easy to lay all the blame for this at his door but you are complicit in your own sexual frustration here. You are allowing him to treat you with little respect and to get his rocks off without concerning himself with your pleasure. Stop giving him free blowjobs and insist on a level sexual playingfield where he actively participates and then gets his jollies on a strictly quid pro quo basis.

Young, inexperienced men often have a very one sided idea of what constitutes good sex and it's mostly based on porn. You need to re-educate him and not allow him to treat you like a spunk receptacle. He needs to get it into his skull that women in porn films are paid lots of money to act like they enjoy being boned in a monotonous fashion. You could also talk to him about how often he masturbates as it's often a factor in premature ejaculation in younger men.

If he doesn't get the message and get his act together asap, accept that he doesn't have enough love and respect for you and leave him so that you can find a guy who does.