Need Some Advice

[sillylilgirl]

I have been lurking here for a long time, and now I need some advice and perspective from some sensible people. This is going to be long.

A while ago I cheated on my boyfriend, who I will call M. It was the worst decision I ever made. We broke up, and I got into a relationship with the guy I cheated with, R. The relationship was in no way good for me, but I didn’t care because it seemed like nothing mattered without M. I just generally stopped caring about what happened to me. I ended up moving in with R for four months while I waited to find out where I was going to school so I could move accordingly. M and I were not speaking during this time. Shortly after I moved in M called. As you can imagine, we’d left things on a rather nasty note and he wanted to smooth things over. I didn’t tell him about R, and he didn’t ask. I thought he just wanted to clear his conscience, but instead we became friends. At this point I didn’t tell him because I didn’t want him to stop talking to me again. I started to come out of my depressed hole, which caused R and I to break up. I continued living with him for the rest of the four months and then moved out.

M and I started talking about getting back together, but we put it off until a few months after I had moved out. M still has no idea I was living with R. M and I still love each other, and we’ve worked through a lot of the issues we had in our relationship before.

I’m not proud of any of this. Prior to cheating on M, I never would have dreamed I could act the way I have. I’ve always been a classic good girl, so this has shaken my identity to the core. I want things to be different and better in the future. Now that M and I are back together I feel guilty, and that I don’t deserve to be loved anymore. I thought if he forgave me for cheating and took me back everything would be fine.

Should I tell M about living with R? Would telling him be the honest thing to do, or what it just be hurting him to make myself feel better? How much information do you need to give a current boyfriend about an ex? I’m not even sure that it’s just this that’s bothering me. I’ve made a lot of stupid mistakes, and I feel awful about myself in general. I don’t feel like I deserve love from anyone, much less him.

I guess I just need general advice. Should I tell M? Am I just trying to punish myself? Am I wrong in trying to give this relationship a second chance?

 

[VelvetDarkness]

If there is little possibility of M finding out another way, through friends or your family or something, I think that I would keep quiet. You were only under R's roof as his lover for a short time and the rest of your stay you weren't even together.

I can understand your desire to be honest and start things with a clean slate. A good friend of mine had this problem a few years ago and she was honest and confessed. It ended prospects for reconciling her marriage and she has regretted it ever since. R is no threat to your relationship, you live in a different area and you can start again with a new slate. Open this can of worms if you feel you have to but I think it's a huge risk given that you're only recently on speaking terms again.

Having said that, if you keep quiet and he finds out from another source, you're in trouble. It's a gamble either way but I'd personally keep it to myself.

 

[lance9166]

I have had a similar situation, I thought I would never chat and was really offended by people that did. But then I did cheat myself. It's sort of like the fundamentalist religious people who so severely condemn others for things that they have/want to do.

I would not tell him, if there is no way he could find out. And try and find a way to let go of it. It's really just self centeredness (shame, fear, etc). If you think about it in those terms it might be easier to move on. And what really matters anyway is what you do today and how you feel today about M.

 

[fgarvb1]

Now listen here, if you broke up with your boyfriend then you were NOT cheating.

It is just THAT simple. your problem is Guilt, as in you are guilty because YOU let Yourself down...you cheated on your integrity.

Did you ever give thought that he was just as free to get him some too?

That would not have been cheating either.

What you did when you were broke up is none of his business, not what he did yours.

Now if you want some trouble dive off in the middle of it.

 

[sillylilgirl]

Thank you all for your responses. I really needed some perspective on this, since I think I've overthought and analyzed eveything to death.

There's only a very small chance he could find out without me telling him. I still get kind of paranoid about that, though.

From here on I'll concentrate on making my life what I want it to be. I have a chance to make this work, and I'm going to take it. I just want to make sure I don't make any more bad decisions.

 

[sillylilgirl]

Now listen here, if you broke up with your boyfriend then you were NOT cheating.

It is just THAT simple. your problem is Guilt, as in you are guilty because YOU let Yourself down...you cheated on your integrity.

Did you ever give thought that he was just as free to get him some too?

That would not have been cheating either.

What you did when you were broke up is none of his business, not what he did yours.

Now if you want some trouble dive off in the middle of it.

My question wasn't really if I was cheating. I know that's not the case, and that he wasn't exactly celibate while we were apart, either.

I think you're right on my biggest problem being guilt. I'm an overachiever. I set high standards, and I'm very hard on myself when I fail to meet them. I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that I really screwed up.

 

[genuineloveman]

The relationship was in no way good for me, but I didn’t care because it seemed like nothing mattered without M. I just generally stopped caring about what happened to me.

That's not good. You should care for yourself; you cannot be happy or make other people happy if you don't care about yourself. Do what makes you happy, but reflect first. Think about the consequences. Be rational, not impulsive. Don't abandon your dignity! Do treat yourself and others as ends (not as means alone).

 

[SweetErika]

Why would it matter to M where you were living, or who you were with, when you were broken up?

The only reason I can think of is if you are still in close proximity to R, and M might think there's a chance you'd cheat or go back to living with R again.

If that's the case, I'd still probably not tell M explicitly who you were living with or fucking at the time UNLESS he asked. He probably has an inkling you weren't living on your own or celibate for those months, and doesn't want to risk spoiling the future by bringing up the past any more than you do. If he was interested, I'd presume he'd ask.

If he DOES find out or ask you, you can honestly say you thought about it, and figured it wouldn't be productive to talk about who either of you were with during that time because you wanted to focus on rebuilding your relationship with him. You can genuinely apologize for presuming and/or making the wrong call on that, and tell him you hope you can still move forward, right?

On a related note, I'm very concerned with some of the things you said about how you think/feel about yourself now. Please take care of that, and the overachiever thing, through counseling or whatever works for you before you find yourself making more choices that will hurt you and your relationships. Screw-ups included, you deserve to forgive yourself, be loved and happiness. It's easier said than done, I know (oh boy do I know!), but you owe it to yourself to do what it takes now to get there as soon as possible.

 

[Gunner70]

confession

I have been lurking here for a long time, and now I need some advice and perspective from some sensible people. This is going to be long.

A while ago I cheated on my boyfriend, who I will call M. It was the worst decision I ever made. We broke up, and I got into a relationship with the guy I cheated with, R. The relationship was in no way good for me, but I didn’t care because it seemed like nothing mattered without M. I just generally stopped caring about what happened to me. I ended up moving in with R for four months while I waited to find out where I was going to school so I could move accordingly. M and I were not speaking during this time. Shortly after I moved in M called. As you can imagine, we’d left things on a rather nasty note and he wanted to smooth things over. I didn’t tell him about R, and he didn’t ask. I thought he just wanted to clear his conscience, but instead we became friends. At this point I didn’t tell him because I didn’t want him to stop talking to me again. I started to come out of my depressed hole, which caused R and I to break up. I continued living with him for the rest of the four months and then moved out.

M and I started talking about getting back together, but we put it off until a few months after I had moved out. M still has no idea I was living with R. M and I still love each other, and we’ve worked through a lot of the issues we had in our relationship before.

I’m not proud of any of this. Prior to cheating on M, I never would have dreamed I could act the way I have. I’ve always been a classic good girl, so this has shaken my identity to the core. I want things to be different and better in the future. Now that M and I are back together I feel guilty, and that I don’t deserve to be loved anymore. I thought if he forgave me for cheating and took me back everything would be fine.

Should I tell M about living with R? Would telling him be the honest thing to do, or what it just be hurting him to make myself feel better? How much information do you need to give a current boyfriend about an ex? I’m not even sure that it’s just this that’s bothering me. I’ve made a lot of stupid mistakes, and I feel awful about myself in general. I don’t feel like I deserve love from anyone, much less him.

I guess I just need general advice. Should I tell M? Am I just trying to punish myself? Am I wrong in trying to give this relationship a second chance?

I confessed once to a woman as a matter of a relegious repentence requirement (a former wife) she made my life a living hell from that moment forward. Better to have vowed to myself to mend myself to live better and to accept the situation I was in (not a particular happy one or I would not have been looking in first place) and go forward OR get a divorce then and there. Instead I lived thru 9 more years of hell for a total of 13 before divorce.

 

[helix27]

you made a mistake. welcome to the human world pull up a chair. the bar is over there, bathrooms back that way.

you wont be able to get over this till you do forgive yourself. you learned from it right? forgive yourself for it! course you will do this when your ready. do you two talk about the past at all?

 

[Moist_Mary]

I'm confused

A while ago I cheated on my boyfriend, who I will call M.

We broke up, and I got into a relationship with the guy I cheated with, R.

I'm confused. Did you cheat on your bf (i.e. were you with R BEFORE you broke up with M?) or were you only with R AFTER you broke up with M? This is an important distinction in my mind.

If you were only with R after breaking up with M, then I agree with everyone. You were not cheating and you have no responsibility to share what happened while you were apart.

However, if you cheated on M with R before breaking up with him (i.e. he found out and that is why you broke up), then things are a quite different in my eyes. This would mean there is a HUGE trust issue lost that must be rebuilt. Some have a wonderful gift of being able to forgive. Others might want to forgive because they love you, but still have this insidious seed of doubt int he back of their mind that might never go away and could ultimately doom the relationship in the long run. If you cheated, then I think what you share with him is important and I would 'offer' and tell him you will not share without being asked, but would be completely honest if he he did (ask). If he was cheated on specifically because of R and it was the cause of the breakup, then I think he would expect (right or wrong) to have the right to know what ultimately happened between you and R. otherwise, he may always wonder about the possibility of you cheating with R again.

Just my 2 cents.

 

[In Anticipation]

I have been lurking here for a long time, and now I need some advice and perspective from some sensible people. This is going to be long.

A while ago I cheated on my boyfriend, who I will call M. It was the worst decision I ever made. We broke up, and I got into a relationship with the guy I cheated with, R. The relationship was in no way good for me, but I didn’t care because it seemed like nothing mattered without M. I just generally stopped caring about what happened to me. I ended up moving in with R for four months while I waited to find out where I was going to school so I could move accordingly. M and I were not speaking during this time. Shortly after I moved in M called. As you can imagine, we’d left things on a rather nasty note and he wanted to smooth things over. I didn’t tell him about R, and he didn’t ask. I thought he just wanted to clear his conscience, but instead we became friends. At this point I didn’t tell him because I didn’t want him to stop talking to me again. I started to come out of my depressed hole, which caused R and I to break up. I continued living with him for the rest of the four months and then moved out.

M and I started talking about getting back together, but we put it off until a few months after I had moved out. M still has no idea I was living with R. M and I still love each other, and we’ve worked through a lot of the issues we had in our relationship before.

I’m not proud of any of this. Prior to cheating on M, I never would have dreamed I could act the way I have. I’ve always been a classic good girl, so this has shaken my identity to the core. I want things to be different and better in the future. Now that M and I are back together I feel guilty, and that I don’t deserve to be loved anymore. I thought if he forgave me for cheating and took me back everything would be fine.

Should I tell M about living with R? Would telling him be the honest thing to do, or what it just be hurting him to make myself feel better? How much information do you need to give a current boyfriend about an ex? I’m not even sure that it’s just this that’s bothering me. I’ve made a lot of stupid mistakes, and I feel awful about myself in general. I don’t feel like I deserve love from anyone, much less him.

I guess I just need general advice. Should I tell M? Am I just trying to punish myself? Am I wrong in trying to give this relationship a second chance?

I'd tell M. Otherwise it's just going to prey on your mind. Clear the air, if he takes it badly he's not the sort of guy you need to be with. I think you have a need to be open and upfront.

I suspect it will be fine, but you need to start from a point where you believe you had a right to do what you did (aside from the cheating, but you need to be able to put that behind you too.)

 

[subwannabe]

The only way you can go back to feeling good about yourself is to come clean. That is the only way you can move forward. From what you describe, I feel that he will be able to handle it. You have to do it soon though as the more time that goes by the worse it will get. Even if it doesn't work out for some reason you will never feel good about yourself until you come to terms with it all by being honest. Good luck.

 

[EjAcKuLaToR]

I say don't tell anybody anything...dont' tell them shit. If M finds out then that's the way it goes. Don't acknowledge it. Don't play that game. Just tell M he's free to believe whatever he wants to and don't participate in it.

Telling M will do NOTHING good for you in my opinion. You f=d up, so just learn from it, forgive yourself and let it go.

Make up for it by being a better partner to M now. If you do that then chances are if he ever does hear about R, he won't give a shit.

 

[alaskabibear]

I'm going to go a bit against the grain here and suggest that honesty in everything is the foundation of a trusting long-lasting relationship (at least in our own case). In fact, your situation is almost identical to the one my wife and I faced. We were "young lovers" and for some stupid reason I thought I should try something new. We were separated for about 6 months and when we got back together it was as if the truth of our love was made so very clear. Problem was, we had both played around a bit with others during our time apart. Eventually the subject came up and the questions were asked. We both decided to be honest. True, it was painful to here that some other guys had slept with her (and I'm sure my activities hurt her). But, here's where the rubber meets the road - when this conversation does come up, what are you going to do? Add another lie onto the problem? No! This is death to your relationship - for one lie leads to two, and in the end you're whole relationship is built on lies.

What I suggest is; Don't rush out and confess, but instead build up your relationship for awhile. Find out if this is someone you really love and want to be honest with. Then WHEN the time comes up, tell him that you never want any lies or deception between you two - tell him that it really hurts you to think that you pushed him away and that probably he slept with others but that you would rather know the truth than to hear a lie....

And for what it's worth, our own story began over 35 years ago - we have never cheated on each other in our lives and never will. Believe me when I tell you how good it feels to know that I have no secrets between me and the one I love, and to know that she has none from.