Need some advice

[Mhoram]

Okay, i'm so glad I lurk around here sometimes, because this is probably the single best place in the world to get some advice on this situation. This is going to be long, i'm really sorry.

There is this girl...young woman I work with. I'm 21, she's 24. She is married with two kids. We've known each other a little over a year and have always been friends. However, over the past couple of months we've gotten very close.

It's amazing, we have this connection, I swear to god she knows what i'm going to say before I do. She understands me completely, which is rare, i'm a wierd guy with lots of deep complicated...wierd things in my head, and not having to explain those things in detail to get people to understand is something I didn't know if i'd ever find. But anyway, we have this amazing connection, we spend all day everyday laughing and kidding around, talking about everything under the sun. I am not afraid to tell her anything at all, I mean seriously, anything, and that is very rare too. And most of this goes the other direction.

It's developed in to the kind of friendship, the kind of relationship that I have always believed would be the core and most important foundation of a life long partenership, you know? Someone you could be roommates with, best friends with, before love or sex even comes into play, that has to be there imo.

So, for the past couple of months we've been flirting like crazy, just playing the game, not sure where things were going..not sure if we were only flirting for fun or if it was more, but allowing it to remain unspoken. Because we knew that as long as we put off talking about it..we could continue pretending we weren't developing serious feelings for each other.

Btw, we havn't done anything at all, not so much as a hand hold.

But Thursday things changed. She had just gotten off the phone with her husband and told me it looks like he is going to get this new position where he will be making more than the two of them put together have been. And so she was sort of planning to quit and stay home, to take care of her kids and clean and cook and so on, she seems to really prefer that lifestyle. Never enough time to do everything working full time, and she likes being at home. Working has been difficult for her lately anyway, more job related stress and being constantly reminded of the friend that died in january that worked with us, they were really close.

She said the only reason she was still working here at all was because of me...but for the same reason she was thinking that she had to leave. She says she isn't unhappy with her marriage and life, and I believe her, and that if she were unhappy she wouldn't feel so bad about the road we're travelling, because maybe then she would have some kind of reason. She said there's just something I give her that no one else can. The feeling is mutual.

She doesn't want to leave..she doesn't want to have to shut me out of her life, and god knows I don't want that..but we're both worried that it may be the only way.

Btw, the sexual side isn't even close to the most important factor here. It's the fact that we have found someone..with a connection and a friendship that some people spend their entire life looking for and never find. You know?

Anyway, we went to lunch to talk, and after spending most of the time avoiding the situation we got down to it. I said I think we both know what we have to do...or...not do. And she agreed. Also that we have passed the point where there is any easy way out..there will be pain and probably tears somewhere no matter what path we take.

I told her that I couldn't stand the thought of losing her and that I was willing to atleast try to just be friends, to keep to ourselves some of the things we might have said in the past and so on. Far more difficult than it sounds, im sure you know. I don't know if we are going to be able to do it or not, I really don't, I doubt I even realize yet how hard it will be. But we have agreed to try, neither one wants to lose what we have, even if this is all we can have.

I hope that in time we will somehow be satisfied and content with a strong friendship...I don't know, but that is all I can hope for.

All I can think about now is Romeo And Juliet, forbidden love. We know what we have to do...but god its hard to swallow.

Right now i'm all mixed up. I don't know what to think or how to feel. I'm afriad I am falling in love with her, now that its out in the open and I have to face it. And god help me what am I going to do if I am in love with her?

Sorry this has been so long, I really am. I don't know if you will have anything at all to offer, but maybe some kind of comfort or advice. Thanks for listening.

 

[autoerotism]

I believe men and women can be just friends, nothing more. I read what you are saying and I will be blunt. You are not just friends.

In the best way I would know how to say this if you wish to be her friend cut the relationship. That is what a friend would do.

You have developed a relationship and it is more than friends. might be nonsexual right now, but eventually it will grow in that direction. I don't want to say it like this but, you are budding into another man's personal life, and have no business being there.

You my friend are what they refer to as a home-wrecker. That is where this will eventually end up and you know it that is why you are looking for ways to rid your guilt. Justify keeping contact, what ever you want to call it. There are plenty of women ready willing and able, go find your own woman. This one seems to be happy in her married life with out needing temptation from you.

If you really care about her you will tell her why you must stop making contact so she can avoid such a relationship building again with a new person.

It is not my business if you want to have sex with her, I am not going to stop you. Even condem you for such behavior. It just appears you are looking for what is best for her. I applaud you for that. To me the answer would be end the relationship completely but tell her why.

Kay~

 

[ExtacyCouple]

Stay out of their life......if they have a good thing going don't wreck that. Being friends is not an option either.........you will only be thinking about what you really want every time you talk to her.

Although this seems like the perfect girl for you, she is not. She is married, which kinda disqualifies her.

 

[phoenix1224]

If you care about her... STAY AWAY!

If you remain 'friends' and nothing romantic occurs, you'll just be torturing yourself... And if something does happen, you'll be wrecking a marriage and devistating her children... Is that what you want?

Think about it...

 

[Weird Harold]

She said the only reason she was still working here at all was because of me...but for the same reason she was thinking that she had to leave. She says she isn't unhappy with her marriage and life, and I believe her, and that if she were unhappy she wouldn't feel so bad about the road we're travelling, because maybe then she would have some kind of reason. She said there's just something I give her that no one else can. The feeling is mutual.

She doesn't want to leave..she doesn't want to have to shut me out of her life, and god knows I don't want that..but we're both worried that it may be the only way.

I think you're both too close to the "problem" and thinking with your emotions.

Unlike the others who have replied, I think there is a good chance you can be very close friends without any sexual tension, BUT NOT RIGHT NOW.

I think you need to say your tearful goodbyes and get on with your lives without obsessing over the "forbidden fruit that got away." Don't avoid her, but don't seek her out either; just stay away from being alone with her for at least a year.

Eventually, the intensity of your feelings will mellow or fade, and being friends again might become possible -- but I wouldn't count on it or expect it.

 

[princess4u]

i think it's very possible for a man and woman to be friends without sexual involvement, but i think your relationship has moved beyond that - there is that yearning and longing that will be difficult to be denied if you continue seeing each other as "friends"

i know you probably don't want to hear this (and i can't believe i'm saying it - lol) but you are very very young - you have so many wonderful experiences yet to come in the next few years - even though she may be a wonderful and caring person, the fact remains that she is married and has children - if the two of you became further involved and her husband found out and left her, would you want to assume the responsibility for that?

my opinion is to take it for what it was - a delightful and fun flirting experience for both of you - let her move on and you move on as well - trust me, although it may not seem that way now, it will only hurt for a little while

good luck

 

[sheath]

You know...I see this a bit differently.

Connections happen, and you can't do a damn thing to stop that. I believe in soul mates, and when you find yours you just FIND it, whether that person is married for a dozen years with a dozen kids...or whether that person is single and free and willing to take you on. I am a firm believer in providence and the wonderful surprises life throws at us.

Given what you have said, I think you are both being VERY mature about the situation. You are facing what you both feel. You have controlled yourselves. You are well aware of her feelings toward her husband, and by keeping your distance, you are respecting that part of her. Seems to me like you are not a homewrecker...you are a guy who has found himself in a situation you never expected. And you are dealing with it in the best way you know how.

Maybe you are in love with her. That is a question only you can answer. Is she in love with you? It seems she's not, if her feelings about her marriage are any indication. She is torn right now between what she loves and what she needs, which are NOT always the same thing.

What is the best thing for you to do? I would say distance is a good idea, but you know what? It probably ain't gonna happen. A connection like that does not mean you can walk away. Been there, done that, and oh my god does it hurt, but walking away for good is a damn near impossible task.

The alternative? Take a nice, long break. Do not see her for a while. Don't talk. Tell her you still care, but you have to sort out your feelings, and so does she. Then give her that space. Give YOURSELF that space.

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder...I think absence makes the heart more certain of what it wants and needs. Disappear for a while. When you show up on her doorstep in three or four months, you will know what to do. You will both know what the heart wants.

If you care for her, you have a responsibility to take care of her. That means you have a responsibility to let her take care of herself. Give both of you the chance to do that.

I've been where you are. I know how it tears you apart inside. I wish only the best for you.

S.

 

[ExtacyCouple]

If for nothing else....don't mess with those kids lives. What ever decision you make, you will permenatly change their lives. If you can sleep with the fact that those two kids won't be comming home to mommy and daddy any more, just mommy or just daddy and visiting the other one on the weekends.....do whatever you want.

 

[Mistress K]

I am on the side of men and women can be friends.

I have been in a simliar predicament, although the guy I was falling for wasn't married - he was however in a 12 year relationship.

We started off as friends, and found it difficult when we discovered we had feelings for each other. We went a little bit further than you have and actually did have sex. The way I resolved it? Went out with other friends, partied and actively looked for a partner. And I found myself someone else, someone that loves me, and someone I didn't have to play second fiddle to. The cruel reality of the matter is... only a very small percentage actually leave their marriage to persue a relationship with a "lover" or "friend".

One of my favourite sayings...

"If you love someone set them free, if they come back it's meant to be"

 

[Mskey]

ok...my .02

I know from personal experience that no matter how hard you try, and I believe that you will try as hard as you can, no matter how hard you try to stay " just friends" the undercurrent that runs through your relationship now will only run stronger for being denied. I also know that when you love someone you just damn well love them. It doesn't matter if it's practical, or if it makes sense, or it's fair. It doesn't matter if the timing is awful or not, you just love them.

I applaud you for your maturity, for acknowledging that your feelings for this woman run deep and are more then physical. I applaud you also for being mature enough to know that in spite of all that she has chosen a life where persuing those feelings to another level will be harmful to people outside of your relationship. These are hard steps to take, especially when you know that taking them may mean giving up that person you want most. I know how hard it is, but believe me you are doing the right thing.

You say that she is unhappy in her marriage and stressed from work. Please don't take what I'm saying the wrong way, but this is from a woman who's been there not so long ago; maybe she is suffering from a case of "the grass is greener", or " what might have been if only". 24 is awful young to have 2 children so I can only assume that a good part of her youth and her time of exploration was cut short by suddenly becoming both wife and mother. Perhaps in you she sees what might have been had she not made some of the choices in her life and that makes you seem all the more enticing in the face of what waits at home. I know that happened to me to a certain extent and I am very glad now that I chose not to persue that realtionship any further. I know it sounds cheesy but if the two of you were meant to be together, you'll be together, but don't take your happiness at the expense of others.

Harold an Sheath are right. The two of you can be friends, but if that's all you'r going to be it can't happen right now. She needs to decide what she wants to do in her own life. Perhaps when she is able to stay home and and not work she'll be able to repair the rifts in her marriage, or perhaps she'll decide it's not salvageable after all. Only she can make those decisions. Perhaps once she is less stressed she'll find she doesn't need to lean on you quite so heavily and the intensity of her feelings will lessen. Again only she can figure that out and she needs time apart from you to do it. Likewise you need time away from her. When a bond comes that quick and intense you can get caught up in it like a drug. It gratifies you so deeply that you areb loath to walk away from it even briefly and it becomes the focus of your time which only makes already intense feeling more so. You are only 21 yourself and still have a lot of self discovery to make- GOd I hated it when people said shit like that to me, but they were right- so go out and make it. Be strong in your identity outside of this relationship and give yourself time to move aprt from it enough that if it has to end it won't destroy you. Use some time apart to grown individually and then if you want to try your hand a friendship I think you'll meet with more success then simply denying your feelings exist and trying to start over.

Best of luck to you.

 

[TNRkitect2b]

It truly hurts to give her the space that you both need. I know. I have been there too. I can offer hope though, in that you can remain friends through this. Rather than give you advice, I will share an episode in my life and let you draw the answers from it that you can.

In high school there had been the drop dead gorgeous girl that I was very good friends with. At the time though, we were too shy / scared to even try and go beyond friendship. After High school, I lost touch with her, for a few years, then just happened to have her re-enter my life. In the interveening years, I had joined the military buffed up and pared down to a fighting weight, and gained confidence. It turns out, her life had not been so easy.
She had married shortly after high school, to a husband that was abusive. Not only mentaly but physically as well. At the time that she came back into my life, she was seperated from him form where he had found someone else and was filing for a divorce.

We managage to settle back into our friendship and it morphed into something more. I became a rock that she could turn to in support, as she tried to pick up the pieces of her life. She was in bad shape emotionally and dealing with her own personal demons that I had no clue about at the time. I fell for her hard, and she fell for me too. Yet she was not willing to drop her current boyfriend of the week as she felt I was too good for her and didn't need to be burdened with her.

Of course, talk had no effect on this, and after a few months of this, I had no choice but to leave her to her own devices as Uncle Sam had called me away to serve on the far side of the country. I offered to take her with me to California, away from the problems that she had here, but she refused.She diassappeared shortly before I left, running off with one of her boyfriends to Texas and marrying him. Rumour had it at my 10 year reunion that she had died.

About a year ago, she managed to get back in touch with me, thanks to classmates.com She was married again, to yet another abuseive man, (this time only mentally) and was raising a daughter. Over the last year, we have managed to reenter our friendship, but there is a difference from the previous episode. Even though I could try to be her knight in shining armour, riding in to rescue her from her situation, I don't. I still support her and keep that friendship going, but I have learned that I can not force her to change anything in her life. All I can do is support her in whatever she does. I give advice, but never offer myself as a reward for changing.

The friendship endures because we are, as Sheath has so eloquently put it elsewhere, soul mates. But until she finds the strength within her to change, she is stuck where she is. It still hurts to see her like this, and not be able to do anything. But I go on and refuse to abandon her.

I wish that I could say that there is a happy ending, but as you have already guessed, there isn't. At least not yet. The oly thing I want yo to take from this story reading back over it, is that the connection that you feel for her will survive being apart.

I agree that you need to give each other space to think to ponder and decide. If your lady decides that she wants to stay with her husband, you need to be mature enough to accept her decision. You will have to decide if the conenction the two of you feel is strong enough to make it worth keeping the friendship alive as friends only. Do not try to force her into chosing her husband over you. Regardless of who wins that battle, damage will be done. You can be a friend for her, but nothing more.

Good luck.

 

[fsumusic1981]

My opinion...

I think one of three thigns could happen.

1) You continue trying to pursue a friendship with her. This, almost certainly, would not last. It will be difficult to maintain, trust me. But you could always try it.

2) You could tell her, because of your concern for her and her family, you can't see her again or speak with her again. Then live up to your word.

3) Or you could take a chance. Tell her how you feel. Tell her you want to be with her, that you want to spend your life with her. Tell her what you posted on the board. Ask her to leave her husband and live with you. You can scrimp and save and get by. Eat rice with every meal. If you are truly in love with her, you don't need luxuries. Just a roof, some food, and each other. This wouldn't make you a homewrecker. It would make you a brutally honest human being. And there is no shame in that.

If you haven't seen it, YOU NEED TO RENT "Dr. Zhivago." Maybe this will shed some light on your situation and what you could/should do. It's a great movie.

Keep me posted on how things turn out. Good luck, man.

RENT THE MOVIE!

-Peace

 

[sheath]

If you are truly in love with her, you don't need luxuries. Just a roof, some food, and each other. This wouldn't make you a homewrecker. It would make you a brutally honest human being. And there is no shame in that.

Man, oh man. I KNEW there was a reason I liked you.

S.

 

[fsumusic1981]

Thanks, Sheath.

 

[Lukie]

some good advice was given

I agree with some of the responses here...she is 24 - very yourng...she probably feels that she is missing soooo much in her life and you may be her doorway to adventure....but you have shown great maturity....keep your friendship - a friendship - spend time with others...talk on phone or e-mail only and you will be able to move past her!

 

[Lynnezertorte]

She's married and has kids......don't be selfish......walk away.

That's one of the problems in society today.....we want what we want, when we want it.......who cares about those that get hurt in the crossfire. I am as guilty about this as anyone so I'm definately not throwing stones.

She has a responsibility to those kids and if you care about her as much as you say you do then those kids should weigh heavily on your mind as they are a part of her. Let her work out the issues with her husband that led her to this point......if the marriage ends then that's another story but until then stay far far away.

Just one woman's opinion.

 

[ReadyOne]

Congrats on getting your avatar, Lynnezertorte!

 

[manofsteel52]

She's married and has kids......don't be selfish......walk away.

That's one of the problems in society today.....we want what we want, when we want it.......who cares about those that get hurt in the crossfire. I am as guilty about this as anyone so I'm definately not throwing stones.

She has a responsibility to those kids and if you care about her as much as you say you do then those kids should weigh heavily on your mind as they are a part of her. Let her work out the issues with her husband that led her to this point......if the marriage ends then that's another story but until then stay far far away.

Just one woman's opinion.

Agreed.
Self indulgence is one of the biggest problems with society today.
I am not free of guilt in this department, either. I do, however, recognize a problem when I see it.
She made a commitment to her husband and above all, to her children. If they truly were happy before you arrive on the scene, the only honorable thing you can do is bow out.
If you truly love her and care about her, then think about what's best for her, not your feelings.

 

[Lynnezertorte]

Congrats on getting your avatar, Lynnezertorte!

Thanks ReadyOne!!! I feel like a grownup now!!!!