Need some advice...and to vent

[SimplySouthern]

Alright. Let me share a little of myself here and ask for some psychoanalysis.

My parents are/were by no means what I would consider sexually repressed people, but nor were they what I would consider terribly open about things. Growing up, I wasn't taught all about the facts of life...just warned not to get myself "in trouble". For some reason, I grew up not thinking that sex was bad or dirty, but at the same time still being a little on the sexually embarrassed/repressed side.

Over time I think I have evolved, if you will, into someone who is very comfortable in her sexuality and more more than willing to discuss my likes and dislikes. While sitting around with a group of friends last night, we began discussing sex. To make a long story short, a friend of mine wanted a gag gift for his boss for Christmas and I went on a search of several "adult" stores to find exactly what he wanted. During one such excursion, I took a married friend of mine with me. While in this place (which was one of the higher class establishments I had been in during my search) she was agasp at the things they had. She didn't know what some of the things were or what they were used for. I explained to her what anal beads were and how they were used. Also, I discussed with her the difference between a dildo and a vibrator, what a clitoral stimulator was (the butterfly) and what and how a butt plug worked.

Back to my original story, at dinner last night she told her husband about this trip (he knew we went) and about those new things she had learned about. He was teasing me about being a little freaky. Further in the conversation we began to talk about fetishes and likes and dislikes. While they are all talking about liking lingerie....I mention that I happen to like leather lingerie...which leads to talk about bondage. One thing leads to another and before you know it, I am giving an in depth description of auto erotic asphyxiation. Well, you would have thought that I had grown a second head. I know they were still only teasing but for some reason all of the sudden I was so embarrassed and offended about my sexuality. Needless to say, I quickly left with my feelings hurt and on shaky emotional ground. All night and most of this morning I have again been questioning my sexual "beliefs" and wondering what the hell is wrong with me. I know that there is nothing wrong with knowing what you like, but maybe I need to be a little more careful about what other people's reaction will be?

Maybe it's just one of those days. Someone slap me for being stupid. Wait, on second thought, if you could pull my hair and call me bitch I might like that better.

 

[R Nitelight]

SimplySouthern

I would like to invite you to my next dinner party. In fact, you'd be the only guest.

 

[ShyGuy68]

Pulls on SimplySouthern's hair and whisper in her ear: "now listen to this bitch, there is nothing wrong with what you like!"

Ok on a more serious note. I for one don't see anything wrong with what turns you on at all. But yes there are many people out in the world that aren't as well informed as the members of this board are about what is possible in the sexual world, and whey they do get confronted with it, they are often going to show surprise.

So you just take is easy SS, and don't worry about it at all, you are quite normal, at least in my opinion!

[Edited by ShyGuy68 on 12-29-2000 at 06:59 AM]

 

[Merelan]

Uh oh. I can't do that, well, I don't think I could. But I can tell you your reaction is normal. I think for a time last night you forgot they aren't your Lit "friends". They have not explored their sexuality like most of us here. It made you the odd man out, so to speak. I find I have to be careful what and who I speak with about these things, or I come away embarrassed and doubting myself, again. normal reaction. Maybe you went a step or two too fgar last night. they weren't ready to hear that, and obviously you weren't ready to share it. Especially the topics you discussed. It is hard to know where to draw the line sometimes, but we eventually learn, I hope we do at least.

Now, as to hurting you or calling you bitch, well. Settle for a hug till someone more masterful comes along?

 

[Juspar Emvan]

No Pop psychology here, just a kindred spirit.

I come here (Lit) because it's a place where I can engage in conversation on any topic and have my right to have my own opinions and interests respected. There are some things, and sex and me is one of the big ones, that I have yet to find open acceptance of in a generalised form from any RL group.

Of course this could have a silly respose too, but I'll leave that to the masters.

 

[Wizard]

I also think there is nothing wrong....if anything you are secure enough to talk about those things in public.......so many are insecure and won't but admit behind closed doors they do..........

Stay the way youu are your just fine................

 

[Matthew D]

Southern,
I have to agree with the others here.. If you were comfortable enough to discuss it then there is no need to worry about it.. you are just great...

 

[Closet Desire]

The Awakening...

Unfortunately (in my opinion) American culture is deeply influenced by its puritan origins and sex is nearly always portrayed as something dirty, nasty, and not to be talked about. Would you believe my parents were so uncomfortable with it that they NEVER talked to me about it.

CD-able and I sort of went through a sexual awakening together, sharing erotica, and eventually writing our own. We decided, at forty, that we were proud of our sensuality. We put our books of erotica on the bookshelves in our lounge, hung erotic art by Van Hove and Leaning on our walls, and opening talked about the shows we go to. When we started writing and publishing our erotica we worried about our friends. Most of our American friends were clearly uncomfortable and it just became something not to be discussed. Most of our English friends were fascinated and began wanting to read everything we wrote as well as borrow the books on our shelves and our videos.

Although we have quite a lot about bondage, domination, and some fetishes, we don't have anything that I would call hard-core porn. Not that we have anything against it...it just doesn't push our buttons. We made it clear to our children that they were free to look at any of our books, including the ones we have written, deciding we would rather they learned about sexuality from our books rather than their friends and magazines. The age of consent here is sixteen so when our two sons turned 16 we gave them condoms and spoke frankly and candidly about the realities of sex. Personally, I like the idea that my son read books with good quality erotica in them including much that was written by women. He seems to be very sensitive toward women and that pleases me, because I was totally ignorant.

I suppose that what I'm saying is to be proud of your sensuality and comfortable that it is beautiful, not nasty. Don't blame your friends for their inhibitions because they are the norm. Friends will accept you and your nature even if they prefer not to talk about it. By the same token you have to respect their nature. That they made fun of you is not a reflection of you, but a reflection of their own discomfort.

I don't know how old you are, but it seems that women in particular have a genuine sensual awakening in their mid-thirties to early forties. My mid-life crisis was discovering this and having a chance to really experience intimate relations.

 

[KillerMuffin]

That bites. Some people are not as comfortable with their sex, and as such aren't comfortable with other people's sexuality either, particularly if you like anything but missionary. Some people actually consider anal sex a wild night at the Hendersons.

It will blow over. They will get over it.

Don't be surprised if you start hearing a few timid queries in sexual matters and little asks for help in the spice up the marriage department. They may even ask a certain hot sexy law wrangler to join in.

 

[CreamyLady]

It's somewhat difficult to be open about one's own sexuality where others might be a little repressed and naive about their own.

Since you weren't embarrassed in the first place, but became increasinbly so AFTER the Q&A session, I would hazard a guess to say that the others were embarrassed and a little frightened. They turned your information into a joke on YOU, which made them feel a little better.

It is easier to see a person with more knowledge and comfort in a personal area as a freak, and treat her as such, than it is to confront one's own ignorance and discomfort with the same material.

The only thing I'd question, SS, is the advisability of discussing it in a social situation. If someone wants real information, by all means share. However, if the whole point of the exercise is to point out what a strange item you are to someone else, I'd smile and let it pass.

 

[Countess DeWinter]

I'm in a similar situation parent-wise and all that and find my own sexuality sometimes at a higher "pitch" than those around me. However, I don't think your feelings are really about your sexuality, SS, but rather your openness. Like suddenly doing a strip tease at a party and finding that everyone wasn't THAT drunk after all. Sometimes I'll start feeling comfortable with someone only to discover that they weren't returning it all the way and I let more out than either of us were comfortable with.
Nothing will screw up your life faster than guilt over your sexuality. Love it. It's a gift

 

[Isabella Thorne]

<big hugs sweet Miss Scarlett>

... the way it sounds to me, darling ... is that there were sexual vibes between the 3 of you ...

but the difference is that you were more aware of them ... and thus spoke more openly about your sexuality ... that probably embarrased them because they were not used to it (like I am about you dear ha ha) ... they used humour to cover up their embarassment ... that's all ...

yea but for myself ... i flirt a lot with people in r/l ... couples too ... but i don't got into intimate details about what some might consider "kinky" ...

and on that note too ... what is sexy and "kinky" to some is perverted to another ... so it's all in one's perspective, right?

you are so beautiful Scarlett ... it's their loss ... and i can bet you anything that they are each fantasizing about you ... each in their own little fantasy worlds ... ahhh what a loss ....

 

[Dixon Carter Lee]

I went through this every time I did any sort of "exploration". "Am I sick?" I'd ask myself.

And every time the worry would go away, after several months or years, once I became more comfortable in my own skin. I don't regret anything any more, I cherish all my experiences and experiments. But I have always regretted sharing them with friends.

So, my advice? Two things:

1) Keep it all to yourself, because you can't expect people to be on the same journey you're on, and
2) Wait. Just wait. All your anxiety about feeling dirty or twisted will go away with perspective, time, and growth.

(By the way, I have recently learned that the friend of mine I spoke of while back, who died, most likely died of auto erotic asphyxiation. As this is not something I have ever considered trying, I'm not quite sure how it works. For my own peace of mind, would you be so kind as to tell me? E-mail me if you prefer.)

 

[Guest]

My Shotgun theory of sexuality

 

[Closet Desire]

Gee...talk about baring all

I actually did some research on auto-erotic asphyxia while researching Poe's "The Black Cat". There's a web site that was put together a few years ago by a father whose son died of it. That's a sad story, but he included a number of worthwhile forensic references about both auto-erotic and erotic asphyxia (gaspers). Turns out there is a huge reference book about this sort of thing and used by forensic scientists and psychologists. Ahhh...found it. The paper is titled "The Autoerotic Asphyxiation Syndrome in Adolescent and Young Adult Males". It was written in 1996. You may be able to find it in a web search. It includes a list of 42 references. If anyone is genuinely interested I can scan it and email it (9 pages). Alternatively, I have the email address for the author (mc022038@aol.com), but if you write be sensitive because it was written as result of his son's death. I don't know if the email address is still valid or not.

If you've seen Rising Sun (Wesley Snipes, Sean Connery, Harvey Kietel) then you may have noticed that the entire story centres around the death of a woman who was into erotic-asphyxiation. Brave stuff for a mainstream Hollywood flick...I've used it to spice up my lectures and enjoyed the shock on viewers faces.

And...no...this isn't my game. I was just trying to prove that Poe used it in one of his stories. And you thought English was boring...huh?

 

[Closet Desire]

Here's the link...

...for that paper on autoerotic asphyxiation.

http://members.aol.com/bj022038/

 

[Dixon Carter Lee]

Thank you. That was interesting. I'm going to pass it on to a number of friends who are puzzled over the recent loss of someone.

 

[Closet Desire]

Glad it helped...

...sounds like a tragedy. I hope it helps a bit.

I just noticed that the paper has been edited and the references removed. I can email you the references if you want/need them or you can contact the author who, apparently, is still quite active. I had a brief correspondence with him and he was quite nice and very helpful. I also notice his email has changed.

 

[SimplySouthern]

Thank you to all who answered.

I guess there will be no accounts for feelings, but I have to say that I am feeling a little better about myself after this day. I hate it that those people are so repressed that they can't even test out new things, but I won't be held down (no pun intended) for their prudish manners.

A little quieter about it...but not held down.

DCL...you have auto-erotic mail

 

[Sammyjo]

I shall take it upon myself to pull your hair and spank you into submission...heehee...anything for the princess.

I think you are very normal...some people have been exposed to things more sexual in nature than others...don't let it get to you...I'm sure they learned a thing or two from you.