Need Romantic Help

[jacobn43]

First off, I'll warn you. This is going to be the Great Wall of Text. (This is also my first thread.)

So, hi. My name's Jake (27) and I'm having some women issues. There's three women involved with this (I know, darn! lol). I've been in a relationship with Jana for three years. It seems to be coming to an end. At the end of the month I'm moving out and getting my own place. Jana (26) and I have talked and we've pretty much decided that we're going to try and work on us even after I move out. Part of me wants to try and get it to work, the other doesn't. Jand has a few small physical and mental handicaps (nothing debilitating). She does have Crohn's disease which basically put her on bed rest for about 6 months. That was almost 2 years ago and she basically still spends all day in bed. She doesn't work (draws SSI) and I do most of the cooking and cleaning on top of work 45 hours a week. Despite all of this I do love her.

Next, there's Christina (22). She's a girl I've known for about four or five months. She's absolutely beautiful and is fun to be with. She volunteered her phone number last weekend and we've been talking at least once a day since. Last night we ran into each other at the bar that we both frequent several times a week and we decide we're going to go out Sunday night. So it's no big deal to see each other. We start the night off having fun together. Then, as the night progresses, I have three different people tell me she has a boyfriend. I pass it off as "girl gossip". About halfway through the night the "boyfriend" shows up. I ask Christina if he is, she says no. Towards the end of the night, she's dancing with him, hanging all over him, holding his hands, kissing him and all those normal things that people in a relationship do. Today, again, I ask her. Again she says no, and that he's just a friend. I ask her about her behavior and she claims she did no wrong.

And finally, there's Allison (30). This is the least serious one, but she drives me nuts. I ran into her at the same bar the other night. We got drunk and proceeded to make out. Of the three she's the most responsible. She does have a boyfriend, but I guess he's a deadbeat and her friends were basically begging me to save her from him. She gave me her phone number and I can't decide if I should call her or not.

There are many more factors to all of this, these are just the major points.

If anybody has any comments, suggestions or concerns, please post them. I'm begging for help.

 

[phelon]

time

Boy your in trouble.. you need time

First.. Deal with your maybe EX.. make a hard choice on the rules, if its a 'trial' seperation, fine... make rules for you both to follow,
if your trying to 'just be friends' fine.. do that.. Either way a couple months of therapy to help you communicate your issues for closure or for fixing would help you both.

Second: obviously you found a lady who is a player, happy to have more than one guy she can play with, and maybe or maybe not looking to have a real relationship. she says its not a boyfriend, probably because to her he is just someone she likes and not or a marriage and so she keeps him around. Likely she would and will do the same to you unless you make clear up front what you want and make sure it will work with her wants.

Third: Its nice to be the knight, but it has issues.. putting aside the possiblities of altercations with the boyfriend, what keeps her with him? is she somehow in need of a 'boyfriend' all the time??
if you like her, cool.. Tell her to call you once she has had a month without any boyfriends and then you would be happy to set aside some time for a date or more.

 

[VFaulkon]

My advice, from the romantic angle - don't get involved (or re-involved) with any of them. The ex is an obvious one (you just broke up with her, why on earth would you jump right back TO her?), the second one, honest or no, seems a little too...available for your tastes according to how you wrote about her, and the third, while tempting, involvings 'saving' her from her current boyfriend.

Treacherous footing, my friend. Either tread VERY lightly or stand well back. I know it sucks to hear, but none of those girls sound like a great option for a relationship right now.

Now, what you CAN do (and IMO what you should do);

Girl #1: Try and stay her friend. Her disability aside, if you two can part on amicable terms (and nothing you've said leads me to believe you can't), do that. But I would recommend breaking off any romantic involvements with her.

Being in a relationship with someone living with a debilitating illness is something that requires commitment, dedication, and love. It's an emotional toll on both of you that she's sick, I'm sure - she probably wishes she could get better for both your sakes, and you have to find some way to cope with her condition. Harsh words, perhaps, but true. If you haven't already found a way to do that, it might be best you move on. Not the happiest ending, but if you can't do it, it's better than sticking it out and hoping things will improve.


Girl #2: As I said, whether or not she was being honest about that guy just being her friend, I don't think you're the kind of guy that would be happy seeing her being 'friendly' all the time. If you don't believe her or don't approve, try to talk with her about it (if you're serious about being with her) before making any decisions. I will say, though, it doesn't look good...


Girl #3: Just don't do it, man. Morals aside, trying to interject in someone else's relation with the goal of 'winning' the girlfriend away from the current 'deadbeat' is bad news. Ignore her friends - they aren't her, and they aren't the ones you're interested in. Don't get dragged into it.

I'd say being friends with her is fine, but there's the chance that, by knowing you (and the fact that you two made out already), she may still use you as an excuse to leave her current relationship. This may yield some short-term happiness, but in the end she may not see you for you, but rather as 'not my ex'. And that won't end well.


That's my advice. Good luck, man. Sounds like you might need it.

 

[Sleazy19]

I have to say I agree with VFaulkon's advice.

First you have to deal with your soon-to-be (perhaps?) ex-girlfriend. Make the decision based on how you truly feel about her and what you expect from the relationship. Don't just end it cause you want to get out and be free to date other women.

As for the second girl, I get the impression that something is definitely wrong about her. I personally wouldn't get involved with someone who lies so blatantly. She probably just wants to fool around with you.

And finally, I don't think it's advisable to get involved with girl Number 3 as she's in a relationship. She might be doing this to get back at her current boyfriend and you could end up being in the middle of an ugly romantic triangle. Too much drama there, in my opinion.

Before making any decision, consider all the pros and cons and try to look at things from different perspectives. And also, don't just follow friends' advice. Trust your instincts. You're better off that way.

Good luck hun.

S

 

[LFO]

Boy your in trouble.. you need time

First.. Deal with your maybe EX.. make a hard choice on the rules, if its a 'trial' seperation, fine... make rules for you both to follow,
if your trying to 'just be friends' fine.. do that.. Either way a couple months of therapy to help you communicate your issues for closure or for fixing would help you both.

Second: obviously you found a lady who is a player, happy to have more than one guy she can play with, and maybe or maybe not looking to have a real relationship. she says its not a boyfriend, probably because to her he is just someone she likes and not or a marriage and so she keeps him around. Likely she would and will do the same to you unless you make clear up front what you want and make sure it will work with her wants.

Third: Its nice to be the knight, but it has issues.. putting aside the possiblities of altercations with the boyfriend, what keeps her with him? is she somehow in need of a 'boyfriend' all the time??
if you like her, cool.. Tell her to call you once she has had a month without any boyfriends and then you would be happy to set aside some time for a date or more.

Good advice.

 

[SpecialKay62]

I didn't read it all...

so my comments may not take everything into consideration. However, you seem like a really nice guy; kind, thoughtful and considerate of others' feelings. What, if anything, are these relationships doing for you? Are any of your needs being met? I think it's time to find some new girls! That might sound a little harsh, but it really doesn't sound like any of these are, or have the potential to be, mutually fulfilling relationships on any level. I think you deserve a shot at someone caring about you.

running for cover now

 

[tenchikoi]

First off, I'll warn you. This is going to be the Great Wall of Text. (This is also my first thread.)

So, hi. My name's Jake (27) and I'm having some women issues. There's three women involved with this (I know, darn! lol). I've been in a relationship with Jana for three years. It seems to be coming to an end. At the end of the month I'm moving out and getting my own place. Jana (26) and I have talked and we've pretty much decided that we're going to try and work on us even after I move out. Part of me wants to try and get it to work, the other doesn't. Jand has a few small physical and mental handicaps (nothing debilitating). She does have Crohn's disease which basically put her on bed rest for about 6 months. That was almost 2 years ago and she basically still spends all day in bed. She doesn't work (draws SSI) and I do most of the cooking and cleaning on top of work 45 hours a week. Despite all of this I do love her.

Next, there's Christina (22). She's a girl I've known for about four or five months. She's absolutely beautiful and is fun to be with. She volunteered her phone number last weekend and we've been talking at least once a day since. Last night we ran into each other at the bar that we both frequent several times a week and we decide we're going to go out Sunday night. So it's no big deal to see each other. We start the night off having fun together. Then, as the night progresses, I have three different people tell me she has a boyfriend. I pass it off as "girl gossip". About halfway through the night the "boyfriend" shows up. I ask Christina if he is, she says no. Towards the end of the night, she's dancing with him, hanging all over him, holding his hands, kissing him and all those normal things that people in a relationship do. Today, again, I ask her. Again she says no, and that he's just a friend. I ask her about her behavior and she claims she did no wrong.

And finally, there's Allison (30). This is the least serious one, but she drives me nuts. I ran into her at the same bar the other night. We got drunk and proceeded to make out. Of the three she's the most responsible. She does have a boyfriend, but I guess he's a deadbeat and her friends were basically begging me to save her from him. She gave me her phone number and I can't decide if I should call her or not.

There are many more factors to all of this, these are just the major points.

If anybody has any comments, suggestions or concerns, please post them. I'm begging for help.

Okay, in my own opinion, I wouldn't be caught dead meeting anyone at a bar.

Chic #1- This isn't a good relationship for you since you're not getting an equal partner. It isn't right that the burden of most things is on you. I would let this one go.

Chic #2- Just a little girl playing games with you. Either the other guy is her b/f or just a FWB. Either way, bad vibes there.

Chic #3- It's not your responsibility to save anyone from a bad relationship. If she doesn't have the sense to see for herself that it's bad then that's her problem. Steer clear of that entire situation.

But hey, it's just my spin on things.

 

[coastal-boy]

I'll call this as I sense it. You have no clue about what a relationship means and hence, are not ready for any of them.

 

[fgarvb1]

Wow!

As long as you are having fun.

well OK then.

However, when you decide to get serious about having a healthy relationship with a woman...

You might want to look into what a healthy relationship is.

Because so for you haven't sailed on that boat before, which brings up a few questions and so on and so forth.

The internet is a wonderful thing, so do yourself a favor and use it.

 

[breezyblue]

i have to agree with many of the previous posters and say that i feel none of these girls (only going on your initial description of course, as always, its complicated i know)seem like happy relationship material.

I admire your loyalty to your current gf staying with her though she is ill and doing much of the work usually alloted to two people but of course it is not fair to you. It takes two people to support each other in a relationship and i have a feeling that if you stayed you would end up unhappy and or resentful towards her not being able to meet your needs. You need to think about your own present/future happiness.

For girl number two it only seems like bad news. Yes im sure she is gorgeous - but you know there are alot of them out there equally or moreso. Her physical attributes likely play into her apparent "player" attitude in that she likes the attention she gets by acting for lack of a better word "friendly" towards multiple men. This one does not seem worth getting involved with given her blatant lying and unwillingness to even admit that she had done anything in the least wrong by agreeing to go out with you and then spending it rubbing herself all over her sorta kinda not really boyfriend. I think a good thing to do would be to ask yourself if you would enjoy this in the future when you might be together and she is taking off and going out with other people and only paying attention to you when you get there and find her on a date with another guy.

For girl number three the only thing i have to add to what previous posts have said is that it is always a red flag when a person chooses to stay together with someone who is in effect toxic such as a SO that mistreats them.

 

[lucylove2b01]

First off, I'll warn you. This is going to be the Great Wall of Text. (This is also my first thread.)

So, hi. My name's Jake (27) and I'm having some women issues. There's three women involved with this (I know, darn! lol). I've been in a relationship with Jana for three years. It seems to be coming to an end. At the end of the month I'm moving out and getting my own place. Jana (26) and I have talked and we've pretty much decided that we're going to try and work on us even after I move out. Part of me wants to try and get it to work, the other doesn't. Jand has a few small physical and mental handicaps (nothing debilitating). She does have Crohn's disease which basically put her on bed rest for about 6 months. That was almost 2 years ago and she basically still spends all day in bed. She doesn't work (draws SSI) and I do most of the cooking and cleaning on top of work 45 hours a week. Despite all of this I do love her.

Next, there's Christina (22). She's a girl I've known for about four or five months. She's absolutely beautiful and is fun to be with. She volunteered her phone number last weekend and we've been talking at least once a day since. Last night we ran into each other at the bar that we both frequent several times a week and we decide we're going to go out Sunday night. So it's no big deal to see each other. We start the night off having fun together. Then, as the night progresses, I have three different people tell me she has a boyfriend. I pass it off as "girl gossip". About halfway through the night the "boyfriend" shows up. I ask Christina if he is, she says no. Towards the end of the night, she's dancing with him, hanging all over him, holding his hands, kissing him and all those normal things that people in a relationship do. Today, again, I ask her. Again she says no, and that he's just a friend. I ask her about her behavior and she claims she did no wrong.

And finally, there's Allison (30). This is the least serious one, but she drives me nuts. I ran into her at the same bar the other night. We got drunk and proceeded to make out. Of the three she's the most responsible. She does have a boyfriend, but I guess he's a deadbeat and her friends were basically begging me to save her from him. She gave me her phone number and I can't decide if I should call her or not.

There are many more factors to all of this, these are just the major points.

If anybody has any comments, suggestions or concerns, please post them. I'm begging for help.

HAHA. my advice: stop going to the bar!