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[gfunksound]

I just posted a story about an erotic coupling POV check it out I would love feedback, votes, criticisms, comments, and readers!

Its called

Julia, Red Haired Goddess

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=404069

Thanks

 

[Darkniciad]

It's a little flowery and idealized for my tastes. Can't exactly put myself in the position of "you" either. That's the problem with this POV, especially when you narrow it down to hair color. You automatically lose 50% of the readers to gender, then another large chunk to hair color. Then more to description of breast size...

You get the idea

You end up with a very narrow audiance that can appreciate the feeling of being "you", which is critical for this story to really work.

I think you're quite sparse on commas. You might want to read through the story aloud, and listen for the natural pauses to recognize points that a comma would help the flow of the story. Several times, I had to backtrack to the beginning of a sentence to get my bearings, because the lack of a comma threw me off.

Just my knee-jerk reaction.

 

[psyche_b_mused]

I agree that it's flowery and idealized...and i'm a flowery ideals kinda writer. This was over a little over the top for what i usually write though, so it kind of stuck out to me. The other thing that caught my attention was, while you have all of this poetic language in some parts, in others you use rather coarse descriptions of anatomy. This might be a personal thing, i admit....but for me the coarse language breaks the mood that you clearly made an effort to create.

psyche b

 

[_Lynn_]

It's too flowery for me as well.

There are places it almost reads like a love letter of sorts, then there are the coarse descriptions thrown into it that change the entire feel.

The punctuation as Dark mentioned needs work.

It's impossible for me to relate to the 'you'.


Not much help, since this is the same as the others said.

 

[JackLuis]

"You:, was that supposed to be the 'everywoman' who was the targeted reader?

If so I was lost, because I'm male I guess.

The break in the "Flowery" to "Brutal" was disconcerting.

I have written Love letters like that, they failed miserably

 

[Nicoleanderson]

Well I loved the flowery romantic parts, and feel you spoiled it by the change.

 

[gfunksound]

thanks for the crit

hey thanks for the criticisms I will keep it in mind. I find it is easier to write in the first person, so for my next story I will use third person, use more commas, and tone down the floweriness. I guess the raunchiness does kinda come outta no where, I'll edit it.