Need parenting advice please

[smallgirl]

SMALLGIRL

My kids are all grown and the youngest is 34. Theyre marvelous parents, and better parents than I was...oddly enough theyre stricter with their kids.

I tried to get across the idea to them that if they refused my counsel and experience, then they damned well be prepared to pay whatever piper they unleash doing it their way....cuz daddy aint doing the math problem twice...I already know the answer.

So if you wanna play in school you get to spend more time in school. If you know better than to drive your car 10 miles with a broken water hose, dont do it cuz your brainiac 16 year old pal dont wanna hike to a phone with you, and whines...its only a few miles. She aint paying the piper. If you take the boat out in a storm youre likely gonna end up in a field a mile from the beach...been there, done that. I already got caught with a man's wife and had to escape out the bedroom window. I already spent my last 20 bux on pot and ate canned tomatoes for a week. Your asshole will thank you if you dont do the same.

But its always something. And theyre gonna try it or die.

I'm alot stricter than my mother was. I was pretty much just let go..no rules, no curfew..nothing. Just luckily I never got pregnant.
So, knowing how easy it is to get into trouble, I took the hard road with mine. I kept them busy with cheerleading, gymnastics. I figured out with mine, if I kept them busy enough, they were simply too busy and tired to get into trouble. Luckily it paid off.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I'm alot stricter than my mother was. I was pretty much just let go..no rules, no curfew..nothing. Just luckily I never got pregnant.
So, knowing how easy it is to get into trouble, I took the hard road with mine. I kept them busy with cheerleading, gymnastics. I figured out with mine, if I kept them busy enough, they were simply too busy and tired to get into trouble. Luckily it paid off.

I was turned loose early, too. At three i was caught in the middle of the highway dragging my grandfather's shotgun by the barrel. Another time they found me trying to make friends with a rattlesnake. WONT YOU BE MY NEIGHBOR! We lived 3 miles from town, and I spent the day wandering the woods and orange groves and peed on an electric fence ONCE. Dont need no tutor for that lesson.

 

[electric1]

It sounds like you handled it okay. You were especially right to not tell other parents, etc. People have a right to privacy, and that goes double for teenagers. Their psychological need for privacy is greater than anyone else's. Respecting their needs and their rights is the appropriate move.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

It sounds like you handled it okay. You were especially right to not tell other parents, etc. People have a right to privacy, and that goes double for teenagers. Their psychological need for privacy is greater than anyone else's. Respecting their needs and their rights is the appropriate move.

YOU ARE SO FULL OF SHIT.

This was a DEFCON 5 Bull Shit Alert.

 

[Wildcard Ky]

The morning after pill has been taken. $50 for the damn thing!!!!

I'm dealing with things now that I also wasn't ready for. I'm feeling a lot of guilt. Where did I go wrong? I failed as a parent in this area. What signs did I miss? How did things get this far with no one realizing it?

I'm supposed to protect my children. It was my duty to teach these lessons and I failed.

All of the things that are wrong and bad with this situation are pouring down on me in waves. My kids are the most important purpose in my life, and I feel like I've totally failed.

 

[sr71plt]

I'll go against the grain here (I thought a bit about this overnight).

No matter how painful and troublesome it would be--and I don't know your relationship to her mom; still married, formerly married, never married--she has a right (and a responsibility) to know, and I think that the crap that will explode on this when she does know--if you haven't told her--will dwarf any fallout from her not knowing. Chances are extremely good that she'll find out someday and then, if you are married, she will rightfully be looking for a divorce attorney, I think. And even if you're not married to her, life will be hell in whatever relationship you have with her--rightfully.

The relationship among the three of you inevitably isn't ever going to be the same as before. Weighing it down with secrets from each other of this magnitude is going to be massively destructive.

The mother has a right and responsibility to know (so do the boy's parents to some extent--but there's no relationship dimension with them like there is with the three of you). And unless she is institutionalized and thus has diminished capacities--she will understand that she has a parental right and responsibility to know.

 

[Firebrain]

I think you handled it very well. Kudos.

To be honest, I'd have no problem with my daughter having safe sex at that age if she was in a relationship I was satisfied was stable and respectful. However, sex that wasn't safe would lead to all kinds of trouble and her father would be having serious words with the boy (for starters).

Edited to add -- this isn't your fault. Teenagers can be seriously moronic; even the clever ones.

 

[Firebrain]

I agree. I told my oldest the same thing...here is your car...you wreck you are walking. Simple as that.
If I had caught my daughter having sex at 14? She simply wouldnt have a social life. No phone, no facebook...etc. Her life would be going to school and coming home. Period. My girls knew that...and my oldest daughter was in college before she had sex.
I was lucky in a way...she had to be on the pill for medical reasons, so i knew pregnancy wasn't an issue. But I also knew she wasnt sexually active due to myself having to be in the room with her every year for her physical. I could tell very easily from her reactions from the doc on that...
I have another one to get through...soon to be 16. Hopefully I will be as lucky with her.
It seems my girls dont like to disappoint me...and I have made it known that having sex too young would do just that...

I'm glad I didn't grow up in your house.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

WILDCARD

There are plenty worse things than teen sex. I knew a 3 year old who stole a car, later he set fire to a couple of houses. I know kids who murder. It could be worse.

Youre fighting hormones, social endorsement of teen sex, and plenty of opportunities and places to do it.

Your kid prolly needs to talk with some girls who have babies; babies slam the door on lotsa things.

 

[LettersFromTatyana]

No matter how painful and troublesome it would be--and I don't know your relationship to her mom; still married, formerly married, never married--she has a right (and a responsibility) to know, and I think that the crap that will explode on this when she does know--if you haven't told her--will dwarf any fallout from her not knowing. Chances are extremely good that she'll find out someday and then, if you are married, she will rightfully be looking for a divorce attorney, I think. And even if you're not married to her, life will be hell in whatever relationship you have with her--rightfully.

The relationship among the three of you inevitably isn't ever going to be the same as before. Weighing it down with secrets from each other of this magnitude is going to be massively destructive.

The mother has a right and responsibility to know (so do the boy's parents to some extent--but there's no relationship dimension with them like there is with the three of you). And unless she is institutionalized and thus has diminished capacities--she will understand that she has a parental right and responsibility to know.

In a perfect world with rational adults, perhaps.

A friend in high school's mother told her father because he had a "right to know." He ended up beating the shit out of his own daughter and--literally--locking her in a closet for the weekend. Somehow, I don't think telling was the right thing to do.

Given his posts, I seriously doubt that Wildcard would let that happen, let alone let his daughter spend any time at all around an abusive woman. But his responsibility is to his daughter, not his wife, and he should have his daughter's best interests in mind. Or at least, that's how I view the order of needs in a household.

While her physical safety might not be in danger, if he feels like the mother's treatment of the daughter would be emotionally scarring, then he shouldn't tell. I wouldn't tell some of the posters on this thread.

To be honest, I'd have no problem with my daughter having safe sex at that age if she was in a relationship I was satisfied was stable and respectful. However, sex that wasn't safe would lead to all kinds of trouble and her father would be having serious words with the boy (for starters).

Edited to add -- this isn't your fault. Teenagers can be seriously moronic; even the clever ones.

Yes. This.

This might sound weird, but it's kind of a good thing that your daughter felt safe enough to have sex in your house. She wasn't in the back of a car, at his house, outside, or, worst of all, at some random friend's house where God knows what could have happened if other boys had been around.

I might be getting a little sappy here (I swear those pregnancy hormones haven't gone away yet ), but I think this means you've done something right. The lack of condoms is a big deal, but choosing your house means that she feels home is a safe and protected place.


Also, when my mom said things like this to me, along with telling me that she loved me and liked me (key distinction, that):

I'm supposed to protect my children.

All of the things that are wrong and bad with this situation are pouring down on me in waves. My kids are the most important purpose in my life, and I feel like I've totally failed.

We had some of our best conversations.

 

[sr71plt]

In a perfect world with rational adults, perhaps.

A friend in high school's mother told her father because he had a "right to know." He ended up beating the shit out of his own daughter and--literally--locking her in a closet for the weekend. Somehow, I don't think telling was the right thing to do.

Given his posts, I seriously doubt that Wildcard would let that happen, let alone let his daughter spend any time at all around an abusive woman. But his responsibility is to his daughter, not his wife, and he should have his daughter's best interests in mind. Or at least, that's how I view the order of needs in a household.

While her physical safety might not be in danger, if he feels like the mother's treatment of the daughter would be emotionally scarring, then he shouldn't tell. I wouldn't tell some of the posters on this thread.

Are you looking at this objectively? What if it had been the mother posting a scenario where her daughter had done this and her husband had done what was done here and not told her, the mother--a parent legally and morally responsible for her daughter--what had happened? And the mother wanted to express her hurt and anger at not being told.

My guess, this being the Internet, is that folks would have responded to her plight as supportive of her hurt and anger--being blindsided in a double-whammy when she finally catches up with what has happened, and what will undoubtedly happen again, and chances are extremely good that some day she'll find out--as you all are responding to the perspective given here.

The mother is being cut out of the family here--although, in the eyes of the law, she's a parent responsible for her child. And a wife (unless the situation is clarified more than it has been here), supposedly a full partner in the family's affairs.

This wasn't an event. It's a process. The daughter has stepped through this "having sex" door. You don't step back from that.

I just find Internet discussion groups so fascinating in these terms. Folks generally take the one-dimensional perspective of whatever shows up--lock, stock, and barrel. Not an objective look from all perspectives.

It would be interesting to hear from mothers of teenage girls on just how happy--objectively--they would be to be cut out of the family like this. As if they had no rights or responsibility for their child. And that this was now taken care of and wouldn't rear its head again.

This isn't about anyone being blamed for what has happened. This is about a family falling apart from this point forward on the basis of lies and secrets and the evaporation of trust and sharing the bad with the good.

Except, since I don't think this is the real world in discussing such matters as this, I'll just leave you to the one-dimensional stroking.

 

[Wildcard Ky]

I get what you're saying SR. And I do feel a tremendous amount of guilt (surprisingly so) for not telling mom.

I agree that a process has taken place, and you can't go back through that door.
Mom will literally freak. She'll ground the kid until she's 18. No phone, no friends, no social life and she'll never allow them to see each other again. This is just the beginning of what she'll do.

The kid will rebel against control like that. It will only make things worse.

We are still married, but it won't last much longer. Things are irreparably broken. I really don't care if she's mad at or hurt with me. I would rather that happen than to have my child go through what she'll put her through literally for years. I'm not telling her to protect the kid, not in an intent to keep mom out of the loop.

Like I said, it's a very difficult decision that I feel guilt over. I still feel that it's the right one for the protection of the kid THIS time. If something happens again, Mom will be brought in because the kid obviously didn't learn enough from this incident.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts on this. I know some have disagreed with me over certain issues before, but I always respect the thought processes of this group of people.

 

[sr71plt]

Her child/responsibility too, Wildcard. Not just emotionally and physically (which are also being violated here), but in the eyes of the law.

I won't post more. This is a typical one-dimensional perspective Internet discussion of this ilk.

 

[LettersFromTatyana]

Are you looking at this objectively?

Of course I'm not objective. Is anyone? My personal belief is that we are incapable of separating our thought processes from our own lived experiences. I do the best I can, but I'm only human.

What if it had been the mother posting a scenario where her daughter had done this and her husband had done what was done here and not told her, the mother--a parent legally and morally responsible for her daughter--what had happened? And the mother wanted to express her hurt and anger at not being told.

My guess, this being the Internet, is that folks would have responded to her plight as supportive of her hurt and anger--being blindsided in a double-whammy when she finally catches up with what has happened, and what will undoubtedly happen again, and chances are extremely good that some day she'll find out--as you all are responding to the perspective given here.

The mother is being cut out of the family here--although, in the eyes of the law, she's a parent responsible for her child. And a wife (unless the situation is clarified more than it has been here), supposedly a full partner in the family's affairs.

This wasn't an event. It's a process. The daughter has stepped through this "having sex" door. You don't step back from that.

I just find Internet discussion groups so fascinating in these terms. Folks generally take the one-dimensional perspective of whatever shows up--lock, stock, and barrel. Not an objective look from all perspectives.

It would be interesting to hear from mothers of teenage girls on just how happy--objectively--they would be to be cut out of the family like this. As if they had no rights or responsibility for their child. And that this was now taken care of and wouldn't rear its head again.

This isn't about anyone being blamed for what has happened. This is about a family falling apart from this point forward on the basis of lies and secrets and the evaporation of trust and sharing the bad with the good.

The father said the mother would "go ballistic." There is a huge range of reactions there; how the hell can anyone give advice without knowing what he meant?

In fact, I never said not the tell the mother; I merely pointed out that the moral question of whether to tell the mother is not clearcut, as I illustrated with an example. The OP is the only person who can weigh the advice that you (and others) have given to tell the mother against his specific worst case scenario.

For the record, when I typed a response yesterday I almost told the father to tell the mother. I didn't, because I didn't know the entire story.

I have no idea whether he should tell of not, which is why I didn't say he should or shouldn't. If anything, I thought that I was doing the right thing by not directly commenting on that particular part of situation. How do I know if the father has a valid reason for not telling?

Except, since I don't think this is the real world in discussing such matters as this, I'll just leave you to the one-dimensional stroking.

I'm not sure if this is what you are implying, but this is the furthest thing in my mind from a stroke story. For goodness sake, I felt bad for the OP and his family.

 

[sr71plt]

Of course I'm not objective. Is anyone? My personal belief is that we are incapable of separating our thought processes from our own lived experiences. I do the best I can, but I'm only human.




The father said the mother would "go ballistic." There is a huge range of reactions there; how the hell can anyone give advice without knowing what he meant?

In fact, I never said not the tell the mother; I merely pointed out that the moral question of whether to tell the mother is not clearcut, as I illustrated with an example. The OP is the only person who can weigh the advice that you (and others) have given to tell the mother against his specific worst case scenario.

For the record, when I typed a response yesterday I almost told the father to tell the mother. I didn't, because I didn't know the entire story.

I have no idea whether he should tell of not, which is why I didn't say he should or shouldn't. If anything, I thought that I was doing the right thing by not directly commenting on that particular part of situation. How do I know if the father has a valid reason for not telling?




I'm not sure if this is what you are implying, but this is the furthest thing in my mind from a stroke story. For goodness sake, I felt bad for the OP and his family.

I wasn't going to post again, but there you go doing exactly what I said is done on threads like this--taking the one side of the issue posting as gospel.

You don't know how the mother will really react no more than I do. All you know is what the other interested party posted.

How she will react isn't ours--or even the OP's to call. She has a right/responsibility to know. I dare a mother of a teen to post--objectively--here that she, as the mother, should not know when her child is in this situation. A judge would certainly tell her she should have known.

And, no, I wasn't using "stroking" in the erotic context. I wasn't the one posting this thread to a porn board.

 

[Firebrain]

Actually -- I don't know what this mother is like, but I can see good reason for not telling her. We fostered my teenage niece for a while and though we were careful with her internet use, her father wasn't (one of the many reasons she lived with us in the week, ahem). When I found out about the pretty awful things she'd been doing on there, I did not tell her mother (although I did call the Police out to talk to niece, and to pursue the men involved in the online grooming going on).

Her mother would have called her a slut. She'd done similar before. She'd have ranted and raved and generally done nothing of any value. Did she have a legal right to know? Technically, yes. Did I waive that right of my own accord? Yes -- because I knew the mother (and I was jointly responsible for the welfare of the child involved. If the mother endangered the child's welfare in any other way, I'd sure as hell speak up -- so why should I have made an exception here?).

The mother later found out and threw a hissy fit. It was directed at me though and not the child. That, I think, was a good thing.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

There's never any justification for concealing info from a mom. Even if the bitch is crazier than a shithouse rat she has a right to know. And if she's too much of a risk to the kid then take legal action to limit her access to the child.

Otherwise youre inviting a house to fall on you.

 

[3113]

Secrets have a way of coming out.....

I can certainly see reasons for not telling the other parent if one knows that the other parent will be emotionally, psychologically or physically abusive.

So let's all agree that given such an extreme, one would not tell. BUT if the other parent was like that, then the parent keeping the secret should not be in a relationship with that person and sharing this child with them, should they? So it's not about keeping a secret, it's about the fact that the other parent is so abusive that you can't trust them. Therefore, they should not have custody of the child (aka, like the father who beat the daughter for having sex and locked her in a closet. It's not a matter of keeping it secret from him, it's a matter of keeping him from having ANYTHING to do with the kid).

Here's my problem with keeping it secret. Secrets get found out. And I think it's wise, before you keep a secret like this to consider what will happen when it gets out. Not only the secret, but also that you kept it secret.

At this point, Ky has control of the situation. He knows what happened, and he can inform the mother (or have the daughter inform her while he's there) in a situation that he controls. But if mom catches the daughter, or gets told by another mother who sees something on her daughter's facebook page about it (has Ky's daughter told any of her friends? Are they gossiping about it? Posting? How about the boy? Has he told? Are they gossiping? Posting?), then he won't have any control about how mom hears about this and can't mitigate the information or circumstances or reaction.

It's downright stupid to think this secret will be kept a secret and she'll never know. Think the other way. Think, "She's going to find out." So. Given that she's going to find out, how can you mitigate her reaction? Can you negotiate with her about such rules? If you can't, can you get the daughter out of her hands, period? You have to think about these things. Because if you don't, then when she does find out, and you're not there to do or say or control anything, she not only will go ballistic but may do something really outrageous. Have the boy arrested as a sex offender or something. And what's to keep her from trying to get full custody of the daughter when she learns Ky didn't tell her the kid was having sex? She could argue that he's an unfit parent.

People get stupid when they get ballistic.

I'm not arguing that the secret needs to be told, but I am arguing that it's a bad idea to put blinders on and just say, "We'll keep it secret" as if not telling mom means that she will magically never find out. Ky, you say you weren't prepared for this, well, you've learned your lesson about being prepared. Be prepared for mom finding out. And prepare your daughter for it as well. Especially if you're going to keep it a secret.

 

[Bestroika]

Wildcard, I don't know if this will help or not, but I felt compelled to say something...so here goes:

First off, you haven't failed. Unfortunately as a parent the only thing you can do is talk to your child. Whether or not they listen isn't up to you. No matter how much you talk to a child, they will take that advice under whatever amount of advisement they think appropriate and then go live their life. So, you cannot look at everything your daughter does as a personal failure on your own part, you'll go batty. I had a wise Grandmother and she would have said, "Honey all you can do is raise them up, it is up to them to live." I understand your emotions in this. I have a stepdaughter that has entered into this time in her life as well. Despite what her father and I tell her she is usually does the opposite. What can you do? As you said, putting them on full lockdown only fans the flames of rebellion that much harder. At this point in her life you can only attempt to steer her around life's potholes in an attempt to keep her drive smoother. Sometimes she'll allow you to do that, sometimes not.

I will tell you this though, if she refuses to ignore your advice on safe sex, you may have to take drastic measures. Pregnancy and disease are the two major things you'd like to avoid in all of this. Unfortunately kids her age think they know what love is simply because they can spell it. She isn't thinking clearly in her teenage love fogged state. If she keeps up with the risk of catching something or ending up with a baby, you may have to talk to his parents or something along those lines...no matter what their reaction might be.

Rock and a hard place honey, God knows I wish you the best in this.

 

[Firebrain]

if she's too much of a risk to the kid then take legal action to limit her access to the child.

Far easier said than done, alas.

 

[GiggLeGasm]

ok

I, like many others, have sat and watched this one brew for a bit.

A couple of years ago, we had a fourteen year old girl present in the emergency room with chlamydia in her throat. It was a roller coaster for the child and the parents, I'm sure. One parent made us promise not to tell the other.. etc etc etc. What a sticky mess. There is a huge desire to protect the child, but at what cost?

The problem becomes this: Kids don't, by nature, enter into less complex issues as the age. The tug the leash more and more until they either walk free of it or become so tangled that they fall.

If mom really will "go ballistic," then the problems are bigger than princess having sex. If you're really splitting, it's only fair to presume that your child might benefit from an outside person with whom she can vent. This might be a good time to establish that relationship. It frees you to just be her dad. It prevents you from letting the fear of your wife's reactions influence these parenting decisions. It encourages your daughter to own her own actions and feelings about her budding sexuality.

Thank god I only have three teenage sons.. and I'm convinced that they're not interested in sex at all. (hahaha.. I'm screwed)

 

[Stella_Omega]

They're both good kids. They've been seeing each other for almost a year. As much in love as you can be at that age I guess. He's 15.

No, it wasn't safe sex. We've had the talks before, but apparently it didn't sink in.

His parents don't know, and her mom doesn't know. I'm not going to tell them because they will all go somewhere waaayyyyy beyond ballistic.

I handled it in as calm a manner as I could. I sat them both down and laid things out. Pregnancy was the main focus of the conversation. I told them even though I was speaking calmly, I was very upset. I didn't tell them they couldn't see each other any more or anything like that. I didn't go into "Don't do it" because that seemed rather moot in the past tense. The bulk of the time was about the possible ramifications of what they had done.

I didn't ask how many times, but I did ask if it was the first time. It wasn't the first time, but apparently it hasn't been many times either.

After much soul searching, I've also decided that she's going to be taking the morning after pill tomorrow. She started to protest, but I put my foot down real quick and she's agreed.

I ended the conversation by telling her that I loved her.

I don't think any of this was what she was expecting to happen when her dad caught her having sex, but it's what I thought was the best way to handle things.

Bravo, bravo. I am impressed.
As far as the parental communication issues... I'm leery, the mother could really stick you if she does find out. And that practical legal-problems reason is my only reason for that.

 

[Wildcard Ky]

I've kind of involved Mom.

I told mom that I don't trust them together. I said that I wasn't saying they're bad kids, just hormonal kids.

I asked mom keep a closer eye on them when she's around because I've seen some things that set off warning bells for me (Master of understatement, eh?) Mom agreed that she has seen little signs as well.

I feel that this is the best short term solution to the corner I've painted myself into. Mom is aware of my concerns and will be more on guard herself. She's good friends with the boys mom, and she's said that she will talk to his mom as well.

I've kept my word to my daughter, but have mom somewhat in the loop as well. Mom will talk to daughter and will help keep tighter rein on them when they're together AND involve his parents.

Their freedoms will be curtailed, but they deserve that. It's a more just punishment than what would have happened if I'd told mom the full truth.

Yes, mom will probably eventually find out. Yes, mom will be mad at me and I'm okay with that. My thoughts are about protecting my daughter from the punishment that would have been dealt out. There wouldn't be any type of physical abuse. It would be excessive punishment. Literally grounded and micro managed, no social life at all until she graduates high school, etc.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I've kind of involved Mom.

I told mom that I don't trust them together. I said that I wasn't saying they're bad kids, just hormonal kids.

I asked mom keep a closer eye on them when she's around because I've seen some things that set off warning bells for me (Master of understatement, eh?) Mom agreed that she has seen little signs as well.

I feel that this is the best short term solution to the corner I've painted myself into. Mom is aware of my concerns and will be more on guard herself. She's good friends with the boys mom, and she's said that she will talk to his mom as well.

I've kept my word to my daughter, but have mom somewhat in the loop as well. Mom will talk to daughter and will help keep tighter rein on them when they're together AND involve his parents.

Their freedoms will be curtailed, but they deserve that. It's a more just punishment than what would have happened if I'd told mom the full truth.

Yes, mom will probably eventually find out. Yes, mom will be mad at me and I'm okay with that. My thoughts are about protecting my daughter from the punishment that would have been dealt out. There wouldn't be any type of physical abuse. It would be excessive punishment. Literally grounded and micro managed, no social life at all until she graduates high school, etc.

Youre a spinless pussy.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I've kind of involved Mom.

I told mom that I don't trust them together. I said that I wasn't saying they're bad kids, just hormonal kids.

I asked mom keep a closer eye on them when she's around because I've seen some things that set off warning bells for me (Master of understatement, eh?) Mom agreed that she has seen little signs as well.

I feel that this is the best short term solution to the corner I've painted myself into. Mom is aware of my concerns and will be more on guard herself. She's good friends with the boys mom, and she's said that she will talk to his mom as well.

I've kept my word to my daughter, but have mom somewhat in the loop as well. Mom will talk to daughter and will help keep tighter rein on them when they're together AND involve his parents.

Their freedoms will be curtailed, but they deserve that. It's a more just punishment than what would have happened if I'd told mom the full truth.

Yes, mom will probably eventually find out. Yes, mom will be mad at me and I'm okay with that. My thoughts are about protecting my daughter from the punishment that would have been dealt out. There wouldn't be any type of physical abuse. It would be excessive punishment. Literally grounded and micro managed, no social life at all until she graduates high school, etc.

Youre a spineless pussy.