Need parenting advice please

[Wildcard Ky]

You catch your well underaged child having sex. How do you handle it?

The kid isn't a bad kid at all. Intelligent, reasonably well mannered, not a "wild one". The kind of kid most all parents would like to have.

I wasn't ready for this. I handled it in a certain way, but I'm curious how others would have handled it.

 

[Weird Harold]

You catch your well underaged child having sex. How do you handle it?

The kid isn't a bad kid at all. Intelligent, reasonably well mannered, not a "wild one". The kind of kid most all parents would like to have.

I wasn't ready for this. I handled it in a certain way, but I'm curious how others would have handled it.

Define "well under-aged."

In my case, I pre-empted such a situation with blunt communications about what consequences Nature might impose upon my daughters if they were irresponsible. Both daughters refrained from sex until they were clearly NOT "well under-aged."

 

[3113]

You catch your well underaged child having sex. How do you handle it?

How underaged are we talking about? And what do we mean by "having sex"? Are we talking intercourse or blow job? Also, what gender is the child and were they using protection?

Sorry to hear you had such a shock. I'm sure you handled it very well.

 

[Wildcard Ky]

Female, 14, full intercourse.

 

[3113]

Female, 14, full intercourse.

Yikes! And was protection being used? And, er, was this a first time or did you learn she'd done this before?

 

[Weird Harold]

Female, 14, full intercourse.

Serious boyfriend or casual hook-up?

Were you surprised to find them together -- as in did you have any clue about a relationship building or had you never seen the guy before?

The devil is in the details and a counseling session/father-daughter talk would have to be the first step -- if she's serious about the guy, having to dig up the pieces scattered about the desert to reunite them is probably a bad idea.

 

[1sickbastard]

You catch your well underaged child having sex. How do you handle it?

The kid isn't a bad kid at all. Intelligent, reasonably well mannered, not a "wild one". The kind of kid most all parents would like to have.

I wasn't ready for this. I handled it in a certain way, but I'm curious how others would have handled it.

I read the rest of the posts. So she's 14 & female.
Have the discussion about birth control and safe sex. Find out about the boyfriend. Discuss it with his parents and him. Make sure she stays on track in school, keeps herself from getting pregnant or a STD. Start dealing with her like you are training her to be an adult. Let her make her mistakes (barring pregnancy or STD).
Good Luck!

 

[Wildcard Ky]

They're both good kids. They've been seeing each other for almost a year. As much in love as you can be at that age I guess. He's 15.

No, it wasn't safe sex. We've had the talks before, but apparently it didn't sink in.

His parents don't know, and her mom doesn't know. I'm not going to tell them because they will all go somewhere waaayyyyy beyond ballistic.

I handled it in as calm a manner as I could. I sat them both down and laid things out. Pregnancy was the main focus of the conversation. I told them even though I was speaking calmly, I was very upset. I didn't tell them they couldn't see each other any more or anything like that. I didn't go into "Don't do it" because that seemed rather moot in the past tense. The bulk of the time was about the possible ramifications of what they had done.

I didn't ask how many times, but I did ask if it was the first time. It wasn't the first time, but apparently it hasn't been many times either.

After much soul searching, I've also decided that she's going to be taking the morning after pill tomorrow. She started to protest, but I put my foot down real quick and she's agreed.

I ended the conversation by telling her that I loved her.

I don't think any of this was what she was expecting to happen when her dad caught her having sex, but it's what I thought was the best way to handle things.

 

[3113]

They're both good kids. They've been seeing each other for almost a year. As much in love as you can be at that age I guess. He's 15.

No, it wasn't safe sex. We've had the talks before, but apparently it didn't sink in.

His parents don't know, and her mom doesn't know. I'm not going to tell them because they will all go somewhere waaayyyyy beyond ballistic.

I handled it in as calm a manner as I could. I sat them both down and laid things out. Pregnancy was the main focus of the conversation. I told them even though I was speaking calmly, I was very upset. I didn't tell them they couldn't see each other any more or anything like that. I didn't go into "Don't do it" because that seemed rather moot in the past tense. The bulk of the time was about the possible ramifications of what they had done.

I didn't ask how many times, but I did ask if it was the first time. It wasn't the first time, but apparently it hasn't been many times either.

After much soul searching, I've also decided that she's going to be taking the morning after pill tomorrow. She started to protest, but I put my foot down real quick and she's agreed.

I ended the conversation by telling her that I loved her.

I don't think any of this was what she was expecting to happen when her dad caught her having sex, but it's what I thought was the best way to handle things.

Sounds like you handled it well. Are you with mom or divorced from her? Either way, mom really needs to be told sooner or later.

And I hope these good kids were both, er, virgins before doing this? That will save on tests for other things.

 

[sr71plt]

Good luck with your situation, but I can't help much.

I "handled" it by being in a situation where the kids had bodyguards when they weren't home for their early teens and then were in same-sex boarding schools in their late teens while I was on the other side of the world.

I remember being relieved when we visited our daughter when she was 30 and single to find she hadn't emptied the waste basket (with spent condoms in it) before we arrived. (Not because she was having safe sex, but because she was having sex. At that point I didn't want her missing out. At that point she was quite the independent career woman, and I was afraid she was too focused on a career.)

I'm pretty sure my son thought the other sex was a computer until his wife to be pried him away from one. My son has two daughters--the oldest born a good two years after he married.

My daughter still isn't pregnant and no one's shown up to my son's door claiming they are his love child (to my knowledge), so I guess we're clear on that. And, no, I never had "the talk" with either one of them. The talk that I did have with my son was that, if he messed around and got a girl pregnant there was going to be no squirming away from acknowledging and raising his offspring (and we have a messy famly in that way with lots of scary examples). What I told my daughter is that no matter what, we'd put her through a degree that turned into a real, professional job and that she needed to be smart enough not to be collecting anchors before she could carry them and not ever to be in the position to be dependent on a man if he walked away.

 

[jomar]

Ahh man, sounds like you handled it about as well as it could handled. Well done.

Not condemning is crucial. Good instincts on the "love you" ending.

Keeping the lines of communication open is a tough road, but worth it...

 

[Bestroika]

They're both good kids. They've been seeing each other for almost a year. As much in love as you can be at that age I guess. He's 15.

No, it wasn't safe sex. We've had the talks before, but apparently it didn't sink in.

His parents don't know, and her mom doesn't know. I'm not going to tell them because they will all go somewhere waaayyyyy beyond ballistic.

I handled it in as calm a manner as I could. I sat them both down and laid things out. Pregnancy was the main focus of the conversation. I told them even though I was speaking calmly, I was very upset. I didn't tell them they couldn't see each other any more or anything like that. I didn't go into "Don't do it" because that seemed rather moot in the past tense. The bulk of the time was about the possible ramifications of what they had done.

I didn't ask how many times, but I did ask if it was the first time. It wasn't the first time, but apparently it hasn't been many times either.

After much soul searching, I've also decided that she's going to be taking the morning after pill tomorrow. She started to protest, but I put my foot down real quick and she's agreed.

I ended the conversation by telling her that I loved her.

I don't think any of this was what she was expecting to happen when her dad caught her having sex, but it's what I thought was the best way to handle things.

The morning after pill is an excellent idea and one that I concur with given the fact that she is 14 years old. I have two step-daughters that have entered into what I like to call "The nail biting years." We've talked openly about sex, the ramifications of sex at their ages, the risks, and everything in between. Will it help? I honestly cannot say.

I hope that in the future your daughter is able to hold onto the talk you had with her and make decisions that will best benefit her future. I pat you on the back for your level-headedness in an extremely tough situation that would have knocked any parent for a loop.

 

[Guest]

*deleted*

 

[LettersFromTatyana]

Wildcard, I'm impressed with your response under pressure.

You might consider getting her a book like Changing Bodies, Changing Lives: A Book for Teens on Sex and Relationships (there might be better ones out there, but since my daughter is still in diapers I don't know that many). It might help knock some of the safe sex messages into her teenage head, and it looks like it includes other useful chapters, too.

I think the morning after pill is a good idea, but don't be surprised if your wife figures out that something is going on. I took the morning after pill once and was fine, but it's made others I know sick as dogs. Oh, and if she hasn't been to an ob/gyn yet, now's the time.

As an aside, make sure they don't do anything like send naked pictures to each other over their phones. Given their ages and depending on your state's laws, that can get them both on sex offender lists, real fast.

 

[TE999]

I think you handled things quite well, Wildcard. A lot of parents would have freaked out.

It wasn't that long ago that people their age were accepting adult responsibilities and starting families.

Let's hope his parents are as level headed as you are if they should happen to find out what's up.

 

[Weird Harold]

No, it wasn't safe sex. We've had the talks before, but apparently it didn't sink in.

...

After much soul searching, I've also decided that she's going to be taking the morning after pill tomorrow. She started to protest, but I put my foot down real quick and she's agreed.

Sounds like a long-term "forgetfulness-proof" birth-control method should be on the agenda right after the morning-after pill; her mom really should be in on that decision but it sounds like Mom isn't going to be all that rational about the situation.

The one thing that you need to stress to your daughter is that nature isn't going to punish him for being careless and HE only has enough blood to operate one head at a time; If they remain exclusive so that disease isn't a serious consideration, then 99.9999% of the bad things that can come from their relationship will fall on her.

If she hasn't done much baby-sitting, she should be encouraged to do so -- preferably with the most fractious kids you can dig up for her to sit for. A certification course for child-care workers might be worth consideration, too.

Anything that you can think of that will impress on her the seriousness of what she's putting herself at risk of should be applied until there's no question in her mind about the importance of birth control.

 

[vrosej10]

They're both good kids. They've been seeing each other for almost a year. As much in love as you can be at that age I guess. He's 15.

No, it wasn't safe sex. We've had the talks before, but apparently it didn't sink in.

His parents don't know, and her mom doesn't know. I'm not going to tell them because they will all go somewhere waaayyyyy beyond ballistic.

I handled it in as calm a manner as I could. I sat them both down and laid things out. Pregnancy was the main focus of the conversation. I told them even though I was speaking calmly, I was very upset. I didn't tell them they couldn't see each other any more or anything like that. I didn't go into "Don't do it" because that seemed rather moot in the past tense. The bulk of the time was about the possible ramifications of what they had done.

I didn't ask how many times, but I did ask if it was the first time. It wasn't the first time, but apparently it hasn't been many times either.

After much soul searching, I've also decided that she's going to be taking the morning after pill tomorrow. She started to protest, but I put my foot down real quick and she's agreed.

I ended the conversation by telling her that I loved her.

I don't think any of this was what she was expecting to happen when her dad caught her having sex, but it's what I thought was the best way to handle things.

I think you did pretty well all things considered.

The morning after pill can make you quite ill, so be prepared and it is not completely fail safe so there's that but over all that is an excellent choice. I would probably have framed this as if she is adult enough to have sex then she is adult enough to take the appropriate contraceptive actions, even in this case, retroactively. I would be insisting she go on the pill now.

A piece of advice I was given years ago about teens which is really good and appropriate in this situation is as follows; teenagers never think about how relationships will end and what the consequences will be when this inevitably happens. I know it sounds pessimistic but it is worth discussing with her. It will help her put her sexual behaviour in perspective.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I have 3 daughters and a son.

I expected monkey business from them, and got plenty of it. You cant really stop the monkey business but you can limit it where you can.

I mean, if you say NO DRINKING AND DRIVING and the cops catch them or you catch them, you gotta act to contain the problem behavior in the future. Ditto for screwing and truancy and the rest of it.

So I had some rules that worked well in practice, and some penalties that worked pretty good. I cant stop you from screwing or drinking or whatever, but every time youre caught your drivers license is delayed another 3 months or whatever. And my contract says nuthin about being your chauffeur or banker. If you run your car into a tree dont expect me to fix it. I already did my part when I got you some decent wheels that you just wrecked.

And you gotta include Ma in the process, especially at the front end where the rules and penalties are decided. Cuz later she's gonna get excited, first at her kid, then at you when you lower the boom on her baby.

 

[Zeb_Carter]

You handled it way better than I did. It was my son whom I caught. The girl he was with had told him she couldn't get pregnant. They were married six months later. They were just over the age of consent when they married.

Even though we had the talk about the use of condoms, he decided to believe her instead of nature.

When it turned out she was pregnant there was a lot of yelling and cussing in both houses.

You did a good job. Hopefully, she will listen to dad. My now ex-daughter-in-law never listen to anyone a single day in her life.

Oh, my son wasn't much better.

 

[English Lady]

You handled it well, Ky.

 

[ClassyGirl]

I have the type of parents who would have gone beyond ballistic. They would if they even knew that I lost my virginity at 18 to my boyfriend of over two years. The way you handled that makes me wish I had parents that could handle it that well! I commend you.

 

[vrosej10]

I have the type of parents who would have gone beyond ballistic. They would if they even knew that I lost my virginity at 18 to my boyfriend of over two years. The way you handled that makes me wish I had parents that could handle it that well! I commend you.

My mum had left by the time I became sexually active. I was over the age of consent when I did and the guy I lost it to, I had been in love with for three years. I had actually brought condoms for myself in expectation of the event. It was my doctor, rather illegally, who ratted me out after I had come in for a pregnancy test two months later(I wasn't pregnant). He basically called me a slut, even though I was assured growing up that loving the guy was the only criteria that needed to be met in order for it to be ok to lose your virginity. I told him he was a hypocrite and it was on in our household for about a month. My mother didn't give a rats...

 

[smallgirl]

You catch your well underaged child having sex. How do you handle it?

The kid isn't a bad kid at all. Intelligent, reasonably well mannered, not a "wild one". The kind of kid most all parents would like to have.

I wasn't ready for this. I handled it in a certain way, but I'm curious how others would have handled it.

As the mother of two teenage daughters, my way of raising them wasn't the most popular. It left them out of alot of activities other kids their age were allowed to do. I simply never left them alone in a situation where sex was possible. This may sound crazy, but they werent allowed to date til they were 16, then never alone.....always in a group. Ear;y curfews...etc. They could only do certain things, go places with certain people...and if they did go out with a boy, he knew what would happen if i knew he tried anything...apparently I can put the fear of God in kids according to my children. All my oldest daughters were terrified of me...lol..
That said....I also know how hormones are....and if they want it to happen it will...one way or another.
You handled it well....but my advice? It will keep happening...put her on the pill. You won't regret it..

 

[smallgirl]

I have 3 daughters and a son.

I expected monkey business from them, and got plenty of it. You cant really stop the monkey business but you can limit it where you can.

I mean, if you say NO DRINKING AND DRIVING and the cops catch them or you catch them, you gotta act to contain the problem behavior in the future. Ditto for screwing and truancy and the rest of it.

So I had some rules that worked well in practice, and some penalties that worked pretty good. I cant stop you from screwing or drinking or whatever, but every time youre caught your drivers license is delayed another 3 months or whatever. And my contract says nuthin about being your chauffeur or banker. If you run your car into a tree dont expect me to fix it. I already did my part when I got you some decent wheels that you just wrecked.

And you gotta include Ma in the process, especially at the front end where the rules and penalties are decided. Cuz later she's gonna get excited, first at her kid, then at you when you lower the boom on her baby.

I agree. I told my oldest the same thing...here is your car...you wreck you are walking. Simple as that.
If I had caught my daughter having sex at 14? She simply wouldnt have a social life. No phone, no facebook...etc. Her life would be going to school and coming home. Period. My girls knew that...and my oldest daughter was in college before she had sex.
I was lucky in a way...she had to be on the pill for medical reasons, so i knew pregnancy wasn't an issue. But I also knew she wasnt sexually active due to myself having to be in the room with her every year for her physical. I could tell very easily from her reactions from the doc on that...
I have another one to get through...soon to be 16. Hopefully I will be as lucky with her.
It seems my girls dont like to disappoint me...and I have made it known that having sex too young would do just that...

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

SMALLGIRL

My kids are all grown and the youngest is 34. Theyre marvelous parents, and better parents than I was...oddly enough theyre stricter with their kids.

I tried to get across the idea to them that if they refused my counsel and experience, then they damned well be prepared to pay whatever piper they unleash doing it their way....cuz daddy aint doing the math problem twice...I already know the answer.

So if you wanna play in school you get to spend more time in school. If you know better than to drive your car 10 miles with a broken water hose, dont do it cuz your brainiac 16 year old pal dont wanna hike to a phone with you, and whines...its only a few miles. She aint paying the piper. If you take the boat out in a storm youre likely gonna end up in a field a mile from the beach...been there, done that. I already got caught with a man's wife and had to escape out the bedroom window. I already spent my last 20 bux on pot and ate canned tomatoes for a week. Your asshole will thank you if you dont do the same.

But its always something. And theyre gonna try it or die.