Need ladies' advice.

[richard_daily]

I met up with a woman a few weeks ago. It was a "hookup" sort of situation. She was nice enough, we hung out, I liked her dog, we walked around for a while...

Went back to her place, we chatted, hung out in her room.

She complained a lot.

About things I did (the way I slapped her around, how I choked her), about the world in general, about how my friend treats his dog (never mind that she's never met my friend or his dog), etc etc...

So she calls me sort of out of the blue, because I figured she wasn't interested, and says she wants to get together... so we make a date. The more i think about it, the less I want to hang out with this woman. I'm just not interested in her.

I email her and tell her simply that I wasn't interested. Not in a mean way, just that I wasn't feeling a connection.

She asked "why not?"

Should I give her the truth? If so, how much of the truth?

What would you want to hear in this situation (not that you'd want to be in this situation).

 

[HB1965]

Nobody wants to hear the truth, but at the same time you would be doing her a favor as much as it hurts. She needs to know if she's offensive or annoying.

 

[somberReality]

I'd be honest and tell her why. People think protecting others from the truth is best, but I disagree.

You don't have to be rude or anything but be honest.

Hope this helps.

 

[sister76]

Yeah, I'd vote for the truth. If you gloss it over she might keep waiting a while thinking you just had a bad day or something. The best thing to do is piss her off, then she won't be interested in seeing you anymore either.

 

[northwoods_sub]

honesty. If I was that irritating, even though it would be painful and embarrassing to hear, I would want to know. Then at least I would have a chance to not repeat the mistake.

 

[richard_daily]

That was my gut feeling, Thanks for the advice.

 

[_kiana_]

I'm all for honesty too, but I'd also try to be nice about it. Admittedly, I tend to be overly nice and try not to hurt anyone's feelings.

If you don't ever expect to ever talk to her again, I suppose it doesn't matter. But I'd phrase the honesty in a way that doesn't pinpoint anything specific about her that has caused you to not be interested. Something as simple as, "I didn't feel a very good chemistry between us and that is a very important part of choosing partners for me," can sometimes get the point across with out possibly causing issues.

Just my two cents.

 

[Noor]

I would just say she is too negative for you, and you prefer to hang around with positive people.

 

[FungiUg]

A friend-of-a-friend recently invited herself along to one of my intended play sessions, and I had to stop and say "no". I simply kept it as "we're really not compatible, so it's not a good idea." Okay, wasn't a full answer, but was still the truth.

No is no, when it comes down to it. You don't need to explain, but often it makes you (well, me anyway) feel better doing so. So just keep the explanation minimal and honest.

 

[Hisbabydoll26]

Truth. Sometimes people like that talk that way...negative..because they don't have anything worthwhile to say or get nervous in a situation. Maybe she needs the heads up so she can change how she reacts when uncomfortable or wanting to fill silence. I think it's easy to fall back on the negative or to complain because usually you can find something common where most people will jump in and agree that such and such sucks etc. She may even regret later things she said but again falls back on it as a way to "cover" that she doesn't have anything else interesting or real to say..or because she doesn't want anyone to focus on her negative aspects so tries to redirect things elsewhere.

 

[Netzach]

Am I the only person who thinks you don't need to tell someone they're really a bore? I mean it *is* subjective, and there's nothing wrong with "I just don't think we're compatible" is there? I think what Noor said works, sort of, but honestly you don't want to get mired in debating why your take on her being negative may not be all there is or a fair shake or blah blah blah.

Something for which there is no answer is good.

Also if you are going to tell someone why you find them unacceptably irritating, be prepared to hear why you may be less than perfect to them.

 

[richard_daily]

I would just say she is too negative for you, and you prefer to hang around with positive people.

That's exactly how I put it.

 

[richard_daily]

Am I the only person who thinks you don't need to tell someone they're really a bore? I mean it *is* subjective, and there's nothing wrong with "I just don't think we're compatible" is there? I think what Noor said works, sort of, but honestly you don't want to get mired in debating why your take on her being negative may not be all there is or a fair shake or blah blah blah.

Something for which there is no answer is good.

Also if you are going to tell someone why you find them unacceptably irritating, be prepared to hear why you may be less than perfect to them.

While I agree with your post, this wasn't a girlfriend, or someone that knew me well. She already made it perfectly clear why I was less than perfect for her (and so was the show on TV, her roommate, my friend's dog, etc)

 

[catalina_francisco]

Think I'm with Netzach in just leaving it at not being compatible. Maybe it is my karma thing but it doesn't usually benefit you any to explain and possibly hurt people, or feel it is a way to put them in their place for whatever transgressions you feel they might have caused, and when it comes down to it the real and honest truth is you are not compatible. SOme people just bring out the worst in each other....it is often just bad chemistry or personality clashes which no-one can control.

Catalina

 

[Netzach]

While I agree with your post, this wasn't a girlfriend, or someone that knew me well. She already made it perfectly clear why I was less than perfect for her (and so was the show on TV, her roommate, my friend's dog, etc)

Dude, I'm all about the quick disentanglement. Nobody said I'm an angel. 'You're too negative" is a door opening into conversation I'd rather not have. Sounds like it worked for you and you avoided that.

 

[richard_daily]

Dude, I'm all about the quick disentanglement. Nobody said I'm an angel. 'You're too negative" is a door opening into conversation I'd rather not have. Sounds like it worked for you and you avoided that.

I didn't leave opportunity for discussion. I also didn't do it to be mean. I figured the honest approach was the best. I'm not trying to "fix" her, because that implies she's broken, I just stated that we weren't compatible, even as a hookup.

 

[intothewoods]

Am I the only person who thinks you don't need to tell someone they're really a bore? I mean it *is* subjective, and there's nothing wrong with "I just don't think we're compatible" is there? I think what Noor said works, sort of, but honestly you don't want to get mired in debating why your take on her being negative may not be all there is or a fair shake or blah blah blah.

Something for which there is no answer is good.

Also if you are going to tell someone why you find them unacceptably irritating, be prepared to hear why you may be less than perfect to them.

Nope, I was with you. I think the chances of her saying, wow, thanks for the feedback are kinda slim. And it is so subjective anyway.

 

[NALA CAYENNE]

I'm an honesty and openness person. Regardless of whether the truth hurts, I'd want to hear it...too many lies and too much deceit is practiced in the world.

 

[intothewoods]

Lying is a dick move. But you don't always have to say everything on your mind. I used to work with this lady who would always tell me when she didn't like my outfit. She was a friend of mine, and had a lot of good qualities (so I let it slide), but some days I felt like, beeyotch, did I ask whether boots were appropriate for the office? No I did not. Thank you!

 

[SweetErika]

Lying is a dick move. But you don't always have to say everything on your mind. I used to work with this lady who would always tell me when she didn't like my outfit. She was a friend of mine, and had a lot of good qualities (so I let it slide), but some days I felt like, beeyotch, did I ask whether boots were appropriate for the office? No I did not. Thank you!

See, in that situation, I'd probably say something like, "I really value your friendship and opinions, but when you tell me you don't like my outfit in that way, I feel hurt. I'm happy to take your opinion into consideration, but maybe you could give me a constructive suggestion, rather than simply telling me you don't like my outfit, in the future."

With the OP's situation, I'd be likely to tell the person I don't feel we're compatible, and leave it at that. If they asked why, I'd tell them the truth as kindly as possible.

 

[Lancecastor]

Should I give her the truth? If so, how much of the truth?

If you have to ask...

 

[ToBeControlled]

honesty is the best policy even if its Brutal

 

[xhardchick]

You know what, it's better to tell her the truth and state your opinion about her. If she wants you that much she must change somehow, she must try too. But if not, there are tons of fish in the water, tell her the truth and move on!

 

[Stella_Omega]

I might say; "Well you didn't seem to think we were compatible. Why do you want to hook up with me a second time? And if we do-- here are some rules."

But then, I'm a jump-into-the-boiling-pot kind of person at times. And sometimes that much negativity is like lancing a boil, which you, unfortunately, were the first person to touch. I feel for women.

 

[where]

nice to see lankie is still begging Richard for attention.