Need Help...

[badgirlwannaB]

My BF has asked me to assume the dominator role, I have tried, but am just not able to voice my wants, and I know that he really wants me to be more dominating.

I am just not very good at dominating. Any suggestions how I can get thru this? Any ways to get 'more into it'? Can anyone give me some ideas how to get started?

 

[Marquis]

If I wrote a book that promised to answer this very question, would you buy it?

 

[AAkasha]

My BF has asked me to assume the dominator role, I have tried, but am just not able to voice my wants, and I know that he really wants me to be more dominating.

I am just not very good at dominating. Any suggestions how I can get thru this? Any ways to get 'more into it'? Can anyone give me some ideas how to get started?

First, you need to get out of the mindset that you are doing this to please him. You have to search inside yourself for the part of you that may enjoy control, get a kick out of it, or even be sexually turned on by it.

Are you not able to voice your wants -- or, do you not know what your wants are? Make sure you know what would please you. By "please" I mean anything from amuse you to turn you on.

You said that you are not very good at dominating. The only absolutely critical element to being able to dominate is self confidence. Without that, you will be constantly second guessing yourself and measuring in your mind -- "Am I doing it right? Is he bored? Is this what I'm supposed to be doing?". Those kinds of thoughts will derail you from the start.

Where do you get the self confidence? First, erase all your preconceived ideas of what "dominance" is -- that includes porn you've read (or he has shown you), pictures of what a "dominatrix" looks like, toys a dominatrix uses, words she uses, attitudes she portrays. You have nothing to live up to, and so you have nothing to fear.

Your boyfriend should cultivate this side of you by not suggesting, nagging, hinting, offering you stories to read or buying you toys. The first step is to just enjoy the idea of being in control, and find out what makes your own "inner domme" tick.

At its most basic, dominance can't be done "wrong" if you are getting some pleasure out of it. The only thing you should focus on is understanding what feels good about it, and then communicating to your partner that you are enjoying it -- yes, enjoying it -- and that he's pleased you.

Whenever I am asked this question -- "how do I dominate? Where do I start?" and know that the boyfriend suggested it, I try to remind people that a "domination fetish", ability or desire doesn't just pop up. You can't find a switch inside of you and move it to the "on" position. I basically was as "born a femdom" as could be; my first thoughts of putting a man in bondage were from watching cartoons. I was tying up the boys next door when I was a kid, and my first boyfriend found himself tied up and blindfolded nearly every time we "necked". I was a virgin until I was 20 or so, but was doing bondage and light S&M all the way there.

My point is that I didn't just "turn into" a femdom with a wide, sexual range of fetishes and kinks and a huge gallery of toys and the reserve of self confidence and lust that it requires to dominate. I started out as a naive woman who got a "kick" out of seeing a guy helpless and playing make believe games that I was his kidnapper. I just got off on seeing him unable to move. I was turned on by the way a guy would flinch if I pulled his hair as I was just running my fingers through it. I thought light nibbling was extremely exciting because of the sounds he would make and how he'd wiggle around. I liked to make him say "please stop" before I'd stop. I liked to make a guy kneel down and look up at me for no apparent reason. I would take his wrists and hold them together in a dark movie theater until he started to twist them away. All of these things were minor, not overtly sexual and not draped in "fetish". If at that stage in my life I had a boyfriend who brought out a box of toys including whips, dildos, plugs, nipple clamps, collars and leashes and leather implements I would have ran the other way. Now, you can't keep me away from that kind of gear.

It wasn't until later on that I realized that sexuality was a great tool for control, I realized that pain came in many forms, and I learned that it's even more exciting to make a man beg and mean it, rather than just "play make believe" -- as long as the man wanted that as well.

I suppose my summary of all this nonsense is to just focus on the very basics at first, and see if you get a little tingle from making your man obey, from making him helpless (light bondage is a good start) or from any other simple forms of control. Consider it a game, make it playful, and don't feel obligated to jump in with both feet and start dressing up, using all kinds of toys and changing your personality to what you believe "a dominant woman" should look and act like.

Akasha