need help

[Dar~]

Constructive criticism please!


Can you make me feel
Can you touch my soul

Take away the emptiness
Fill me up with fire

Erase all the memories
of failed attempts at love

Redeem me in the eyes of life
Bring emotion to my song

I want your arms around me
Bring your heat to my chilled heart

Wrap your passion all around me
Bind my doubts in your belief

I need release from agony
Your merciless caress

Tear from me my wrappings
Devour me in your desire

Taste my lonely tears
Trail fire down my scorned form

Bring me to the surface
Force me to breathe

Entice response from the long unloved
Tease my heart into submission

Make love to me, make me love too.

 

[WickedEve]

I was recently going through some old files and found many poems similar to yours. I wrote them. Today, I would not. But I did start out these way. Much of what you've written is cliché. Honestly, I'd put this poem aside for now. You may find it beneficial to read through some of the threads. You'll find a lot of good information. You really need to have a better understanding of what poetry is all about. Of course, don't stop reading and writing as much poetry as you can. You will improve.

 

[Angeline]

I was recently going through some old files and found many poems similar to yours. I wrote them. Today, I would not. But I did start out these way. Much of what you've written is cliché. Honestly, I'd put this poem aside for now. You may find it beneficial to read through some of the threads. You'll find a lot of good information. You really need to have a better understanding of what poetry is all about. Of course, don't stop reading and writing as much poetry as you can. You will improve.

I concur with what Eve said (I usually do lol). You have written a piece that obviously shows strong emotion, but what you need to do now it convert that emotion into concrete images, things that show why you feel the way you do rather than tell it. That's what makes for a good poem.

I'd also recommend reading through the poetry in progress thread. There's lots of good stuff there and you can see how the writers here edit their stuff to make their poems better.

If you have any questions, let me know.


Angeline

 

[ishtat]

I was recently going through some old files and found many poems similar to yours. I wrote them. Today, I would not. But I did start out these way. Much of what you've written is cliché. Honestly, I'd put this poem aside for now. You may find it beneficial to read through some of the threads. You'll find a lot of good information. You really need to have a better understanding of what poetry is all about. Of course, don't stop reading and writing as much poetry as you can. You will improve.

This comment is raw unadulterated honesty. I have been lurking and learning in this part of the site for some 10 months and the amount one can learn is immense. you won't always agree with what is put up but chew the fat, argue and listen and you cannot go wrong. The poets are mainly slightly mad but simultaneously totally sane .They are top people and are incredibly, unreasonably helpful.

 

[Angeline]

This comment is raw unadulterated honesty. I have been lurking and learning in this part of the site for some 10 months and the amount one can learn is immense. you won't always agree with what is put up but chew the fat, argue and listen and you cannot go wrong. The poets are mainly slightly mad but simultaneously totally sane .They are top people and are incredibly, unreasonably helpful.

Oh yeah? Well um we think you're crazy and love you, too.

 

[The_Fool]

I'm going to throw this out. It is pretty obvious in reading your poem what you want to say. But what Ange and Eve are trying to say is that you need to base such feelings into a picture. Or an example that many can relate to in order to get your message across. I tried to take your ideas and put them into an image that came immediately to mind for me. Putting me into your place. I am walking into a room with a burden and I'm chilled to the bone. The person in the room takes that weight from me and offers me warmth until I can reciprocate. This is my interpretation and may not exactly be what you are trying to say. But it give you an idea.

Ange, Eve and anyone else, please feel free to poke holes in this and also point out the crap that exists in this poem as well. Because I know that it's there.....



I enter the room
Weighted down with baggage
Shivering at the chill
Within me

Numb with cold
I stand
Head down
Not knowing what to do

You gentle hands
Remove each weight
With compassion
And understanding

Warm surrounds me
With your arms
As you seek
To break my ice

With growing warmth
You strip me of my
Shields against the winter
Warming me with your kisses

Icy tears
trickling down my face
are soon warmed away
with your lips

As my body warms
My arms are freed
To offer back
Sympathetic heat

A fire soon flares
To warm our space
Brighten our embrace
Heat our souls

Sprawling nude
Covered only by your body
I find that I can breathe
Unencumbered by the weight.

 

[WickedEve]

Fool, you scrumptious morsel, okay, there is a bit of crap in your poem (hey, it's a tossed out there poem ) but it's an excellent example of how Dar's poem can rise to the next level. And from there, more work is needed. But we poets love revising our poems, don't we? Don't we? lol

 

[champagne1982]

Constructive criticism please!


Can you make me feel
Can you touch my soul

Take away the emptiness
Fill me up with fire

Erase all the memories
of failed attempts at love

Redeem me in the eyes of life
Bring emotion to my song

I want your arms around me
Bring your heat to my chilled heart

Wrap your passion all around me
Bind my doubts in your belief

I need release from agony
Your merciless caress

Tear from me my wrappings
Devour me in your desire

Taste my lonely tears
Trail fire down my scorned form

Bring me to the surface
Force me to breathe

Entice response from the long unloved
Tease my heart into submission

Make love to me, make me love too.

Well, first off, hello Dar~, second, hello Foolio and third, I have to tell you that I admire your willingness to put this poem out there for critique, Dar~. Please keep in mind that whatever I say or offer here is purely my personal opinion and you are welcome to accept or discard whatever I offer. Nothing is meant to offend you.

This is a good example of "say and respond" type of a couplet. Your style may have a name, but I don't think it does, simply because the people that write poetry texts have advanced so far that the poetry you're currently writing, is deemed primitive and exactly what everyone writes when they're first experimenting with rhythm and free verse. Not to say that there is anything wrong with it, but just to let you in on how I, at least, view it.

Both yours and The Fool's examples are far too wordy to convey that sense of urgent breathlessness, I think you must be feeling when you're standing in front of someone you wish to submit to. I can catch a sense of it in your poem, Dar~ but I think Fool has missed the anxiety boat in his.

Also, he has avoided the submissive need to feel the pain that a dominant can inflict purely through a well timed touch, albeit a gentle stroke or a harsh slap.

So, in the spirit of solidarity we all espouse to on this forum, I would offer the same suggestion as Eve and Ange - Please find an example of an instance or a scene you can use to illustrate what you have told us. As a reader I want to see the heat rendered scars of tears as they slide down your cheeks. I'd like to hear the suppressed gasps of anxiety as you stand there, quivering in reluctant anticipation of His notice and smell your fear, taste your worry and then feel your acceptance as it all comes full circle.

Good luck and thank you for sharing.

 

[Liar]

Y'all shouldcheck out Dar's new poem Frost. It's a distilled, and pretty damn good, version of the one she posted here.

 

[Dar~]

Thank you all, sorry it's been so long since I responded, been crazy busy. As Liar pointed out, I have the newest version submitted.

 

[champagne1982]

This new version is a very good example of few words conveying a detailed message. I wonder if you can find a subject, now, that's soft, to contrast with this one's edges. It would be an excellent exercise.

 

[Dar~]

More help please

Frigid
yet unshattered
pristine crystals

Whole yet apart
Separation from self
Anxiety

Shards of indecision
cracking foundations wthin
frosty boundary

Silver core
yet warmth
doesn't reach it,

Shivering
yet comfortable
outside the norm

break me free.

 

[Dar~]

Bumpin' this up . .please give me constructive feedback

 

[Freebear]

what I clicked on this forum for I dont know

 

[Dar~]

Thanks free bear . . .anyone else?

 

[PatCarrington]

More help please

Frigid
yet unshattered
pristine crystals

Whole yet apart
Separation from self
Anxiety

Shards of indecision
cracking foundations wthin
frosty boundary

Silver core
yet warmth
doesn't reach it,

Shivering
yet comfortable
outside the norm

break me free.

in my opinion, the poem lacks focus.

i also find parts of it contradictory, including the last line.

and it doesn't seem to go anywhere. i can't give specific suggestions, because i just don't get it.