Need Help

[Fable]

I have a non-erotic piece that has not been submitted
because my editor says the ending makes no sense.
Would like varification of this because I just don't see
it that way.
Need someone to suggest a fix.

Volunteers? Thanks, Fable
http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=234559

 

[hiddenself]

Better luck if you post at the Editors' Forum. Also, you might want to give a very brief synopsis of what type of story we're talking about, how long, etc.

 

[BooMerengue]

I have a non-erotic piece that has not been submitted
because my editor says the ending makes no sense.
Would like varification of this because I just don't see
it that way.
Need someone to suggest a fix.

Volunteers? Thanks, Fable
http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=234559

I clicked the link and got your story page, but not an unsubmitted story. Where is it?

 

[Fable]

My thanks to those who replied and offered advice.
The story, 'Breaking the Rules' appears at:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=113437

Judging from the voting thus far, I still nee some help
on this one. Fable

 

[champagne1982]

[. . .] my editor says the ending makes no sense.
Would like varification of this because I just don't see
it that way.[. . .]

Hi Fable, Your story's ending doesn't make sense because it's not an ending. You seem to be building conflict around everything but there's no climax nor any resolution.

There's a real lack of answers to the questions your plot raises. Is Stephanie really in love with her husband or are she and Jake playing on the side and taking advantage of his simplicity? Is she going to make a pass at one of the guys?

Do the guys get caught fraternizing?

You've built suspense but not taken it anywhere. I feel like a lover with an unresolved orgasm, aroused, but left hanging.

I enjoyed this as a beginning though.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Yeah, it's like Champagne says. This one huffs and puffs and goes nowhere. Nothing happens.

I think what you've written is a memoire. At least, I'm assuming all this stuff is true, or based on things that really happened. The problem with reality, of course, is that it seldom works like a story.
You're a good enough writer that I'll spare you all that stuff about story structure and theory. You surely must know what's wrong with this one, and I think what you're asking for is ideas on how to fix it.

First of all, I'd be very interested in knowing just what you see as the climax of the story. I have a feeling that you think that Stephanie's revelation that she knows that they broke all the rules is the dramatic climax, but really, it's not presented that way. It's presented as a tossed-off fact, and I think no matter how it's presented, it's still just not dramatic enough to give shape to the story.

You're going to have to either find drama in the events you described, or impose drama from the outside by messing with reality. If this were my story, I would look for the drama in what was already there. With all those people and relationships, surely something interesting must have happened. Was there something you learned about someone or yourself? Was there any moment of revelation? A story is basically the story of a change in someone. Does someone change in the course of this story? How?

Once you have this kind of plot angle, you have to go back and edit your story accordingly. The way it is now, we're never sure of what it's about. Is it about Phil? Phil's friendship with Jerry? No. Carrie and Jerry? Stephanie? Jake? We have no idea. After about a page of this, I think most readers are getting very antsy. They want to know where this is going.

The way the story presented itself to me, I expected there to be some revelation about Tom. He seemed the big mystery figure, the powerhouse, the engine of the story. His mariage to Stephanie aroused my curiosity. He is certainly the most interesting character in the story. Why did he leave school? Why did he buy these failing businesses. What's with these rules? This being Literotica, of course I expected an affair between Stephanie and Phil. I must say I was releived that the story didn't go this predictable route, but it still has to go somewhere.

Just in terms of brainstorming, I think it might be good if the story involved some revelation about Tom. Maybe after all his SOB behavior, Phil comes in to the office to see Tom embracing Stephanie. Nothing dirty, just enough to reveal to Phil that Tom acts like an SOB because he loves Stephanie so much and wants to provide for her. So Phil maybe learns that he and Jerry have been putting up with all this madness because of Tom's love for Stephanie. It could be a lesson in a man's obligation to the woman he loves. I don't know. Just an idea.

But it's got to go somewhere, and it's got to show signs that it's going somewhere. As it is, it just wanders around.

---dr.M.