Need help with a story I wrote

wjdixon

Virgin
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Nov 18, 2010
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8
I could really use some help from all of you writers. I want your help to make this story REALLY HOT & SEXY. Maybe fix some of the sentences & maybe add some more stuff or change some of it?
Here is the story:
Here is how it starts off, This takes place at a college. I’m the gym coach & classes are done for the day & you are Doing a internship at the college for sports education & you've never seen the inside of the men’s locker room. You are wearing a short black miniskirt with black bikini panties on underneath & you have a white button down shirt on & a black laced bra on. I have just come from the swimming pool & as I take off my speedo you suddenly walk into the shower area, you start to watch me jerk off my big rod while I’m in the shower. As I’m jerking myself I start to hear the sound of a girl moaning & just as I turn towards the entrance to the shower area, I open my eyes & I see you with your eyes closed & you have one hand inside your shirt & you are playing with your breasts & your other hand is under you skirt & you are fingering yourself & you keep going until you scream out in pleasure. As you open your eyes, you get startled because I was jerking off while watching your little show. As you see me, you felt no embarrassment, so as I was already naked, you began to unbutton your shirt & you let it drop on the ground. You pulled off your mini skirt, revealing just your black laced bra & black laced panties. You were also feeling so horny that you came up to me. I immediately unclipped your bra & took off your panties. The shower was still on & I raised my hand & started to squeez your breasts & you moaned in delight. we quickly look around to see if someone is near, but it was just us, so I pulled you in closer & I get you under the water & get you all wet. As you get closer to me, we start kissing & running our hands all over each other. Then I grab some body wash & I start to soap you all up & I first rub your breasts & play with them & pinch them & make you moan. Then I move my hands down to your pussy & I slip a finger into your pussy & I start to finger your pussy so much that I cause you to moan in pleasure as you beg me to let you cum from me fingering your pussy & your knees get weak & I keep making you moan & beg to let you cum. Once I let you cum, your knees go weak. After you feel better, you stand up & we stand under the shower & start kissing again & as we are kissing I move your hands down to my cock which is rock hard. I feel your hands rubbing my cock & then you start sliding down my body until you are on your knees & I look down to watch you start to lick my cock before starting to suck on it. As you suck on my cock I can feel my cock starting to twitch & I start telling you I’m about to cum. Right before I cum, you pull my cock out of your mouth & I feel you rubbing my cock until I start to cum on your body & on your face. After I get done cumming all over your face & breasts, I help you stand up & we rinse all the soap & cum off of your face & body. Once we are done in the shower I turn off the water & we walk out of the shower & I grab my towel & I lay it on the locker room bench & then I lay you down on your back & then I start kissing you again while fingering your pussy to make sure that you are still wet. After I make sure your pussy is wet I slide my cock into your pussy, while I’m sliding my cock into your wet pussy I listen to you moaning & watch you start to rub & pinch your breasts while begging me to fuck your pussy harder. As I’m sliding my cock in & out of your pussy fast you can feel by balls slapping your pussy. As I’m thrusting my cock into your pussy I start to feel my cock start to twitch & I scream out to you that I’m about to cum & you tell me to pull out & cover your body in cum again. As I get ready to cum I quickly pull out of your pussy & I spray my cum all over your body including your breasts & your stomach & all the way down to your pussy. Once I get done cumming all over your body I help you stand up & I tell you that you are a dirty cum slut & we walk back into the shower & I turn on the water & I grab some soap & I start washing your body & help you wash all of the cum off of your body until your all clean. Once we get done rinsing off in the shower, I turn off the water & I grab another clean towel from my bag & I start to dry your body until your all dry & then I dry my body & then we start getting dressed.
 
Some tips, if that's the actual excerpt or story: There are other things, but the three biggest things I see here are...

1paragraph your story. It's hard to read a huge full block of text. That's very taxing and will give reader's fatigue.
2clean those run on sentences.
3 drop the &'s. Use "and" instead.

You could have the best, sexiest, raunchiest, filthiest, most "rock-your-socks-off" story idea on paper, but it needs to be readable. Polished. Even the greatest premise can be ruined if the story isn't structured and clean, grammar-wise, enough to read.
 
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Here is one example. I took one particular sentence a few lines down, counted 7 "&'s":
[As I’m jerking myself I start to hear the sound of a girl moaning & just as I turn towards the entrance to the shower area, I open my eyes & I see you with your eyes closed & you have one hand inside your shirt & you are playing with your breasts & your other hand is under you skirt & you are fingering yourself & you keep going until you scream out in pleasure.]

Quick example of how you could restructure that long sentence:
[As I’m jerking myself, I start to hear the sound of a girl moaning. Just as I turn towards the entrance to the shower area, I open my eyes and you're there with your eyes closed. You have one hand inside your shirt playing with your breasts, your other hand under your skirt. You are fingering yourself. You keep going until you scream out in pleasure.]


It's not perfect, as it's just to show you what I mean. You have a lot of things going on there. Let it breath. Not by going a marathon of small breathers nonstop. That whole thing would also be big enough to be its own paragraph from start to finish.
 
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Thank you I will change that
Here is one example. I took one particular sentence a few lines down, counted 7 "&'s":
[As I’m jerking myself I start to hear the sound of a girl moaning & just as I turn towards the entrance to the shower area, I open my eyes & I see you with your eyes closed & you have one hand inside your shirt & you are playing with your breasts & your other hand is under you skirt & you are fingering yourself & you keep going until you scream out in pleasure.]

Quick example of how you could restructure that long sentence:
[As I’m jerking myself, I start to hear the sound of a girl moaning. Just as I turn towards the entrance to the shower area, I open my eyes and you're there with your eyes closed. You have one hand inside your shirt playing with your breasts, your other hand under your skirt. You are fingering yourself. You keep going until you scream out in pleasure.]


It's not perfect, as it's just to show you what I mean. You have a lot of things going on there. Let it breath. Not by going a marathon of small breathers nonstop. That whole thing would also be big enough to be its own paragraph from start to finish.
 
No problem. Also remember, best not to use "&" in a regular sentence.

Use "and" instead. It's cleaner.
 
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