Need help with a guy

[Italian_and_Bi]

I started to hang out with a guy I went to HS with about 2 months ago. We are sort of seeing eachother and its great....but, he's been hurt alot. He married right out of school and his wife died of cancer 3 years ago. Since then, the women he has dated hurt him alot. We have talked about having a relationship but he's mentioned being afraid of getting hurt. Also, he wants to go back to school and is afraid that may cause problems for us as well. We have talked about feelings and in his more honest moments he's admitted feelings for me and admitted it scares him. Then...there are times he pulls away and tried to act as if he doesnt care. Through talking its always revealed he does have feelings but is afraid, and isnt sure he is ready. So...what Im trying to figure out is, how can I show I wont hurt him and steer this towards a relationship??

Yes, I do realize you cant make someone be ready who isnt... I just feel like if we could address whats making him not ready [the above] it may help.

 

[Italian_and_Bi]

Did also want to add...even in the moments he tried to pretend he doesnt care, he always says he doesnt want me out of his life...

 

[SweetErika]

Why do you want a relationship with someone who isn't ready and seems to have told you as much over and over?

The reality is that if he isn't ready, someone (or both of you) is very likely to get hurt. Also, you can't guarantee he won't get hurt; if the relationship ends due to incompatibility, logistics or him needing to focus on school or something, he may very well end up getting hurt. I'm guessing that's what he's recognizing and why he's concluding it's not a good idea to start a relationship at this point in his life. And, who knows, maybe he's still really grieving the loss of his wife and is self-aware enough to know a relationship wouldn't work for him because of that?

I'd suggest sticking with friendship if this is someone who adds to your life while moving on with your own relationships (i.e. don't wait around for this guy to become ready/want to date you). That's likely the healthiest thing for both of you. Maybe you'll come together in the future, maybe you won't, but don't try to push him into something he clearly doesn't want right now.

 

[Italian_and_Bi]

What u said makes sense. The short answer for why? Simply, I fell in love. When we are together, it feels right.

I know he misses her...always does. I guess I figured I wouldnt hurt him because I care so much. There's alot of guys wanting to date me...I just keep thinking "they arent him". God, love sucks and hurts badly

 

[SweetErika]

What u said makes sense. The short answer for why? Simply, I fell in love. When we are together, it feels right.

I know he misses her...always does. I guess I figured I wouldnt hurt him because I care so much. There's alot of guys wanting to date me...I just keep thinking "they arent him". God, love sucks and hurts badly

I'm sure there are lots of great matches out there who are available.

Caring certainly doesn't prevent people from being hurt, and he clearly knows that as well as anyone, given what he went through with his wife. I'd suggest focusing your efforts in caring for him in a platonic way, then if love is right for you both somewhere down the line, you'll have a great foundation for a romantic relationship.

 

[zombey123]

I must say I agree with Sweet.

I was in an situation very similar to yours awhile ago

I decided not to push him but to show I was trustworthy by being there as his friend. It was a struggle-anyone could see the longing in our eyes when we spent time together with a group. I thought I would die as we spent countless hours on my sofa, eating pizza and watching shows like, firefly, lost and Dexter..there were so many pauses..times when our hands reached for the same object at once..or a hug that lingered to long.. it was torture for us both..


happily- it ended..one night.. as we sat in a crowded bar with some mutual friends...I had begun to fool around with someone else.. not a relationship..we were merely dating. He asked me to walk him to his car, and there under the stars, he ran his strong hands over my arms, rested his forehead against mine..seized me gently by the face and kissed me. The most memorable kiss of my life (besides our wedding kiss)

"I want you..I want you in that special way that I know you want me..I'm tired of being afraid" he has said..

So. Hang in there honey... theres hope

 

[lovelorn4u69]

... run like the wind or have a life of misery

 

[Italian_and_Bi]

Im definately gonna try to just be there....no pressure

Zombey...when we are together...fireworks. He just has this way he looks at me. We went to a concert last weekend and it was fun. It was cold when we were waiting to get in and he kept me warm. We wrestle and play...cuddle...hold hands...everything. Its there...he just isnt ready. You guys are right...patience....Its so hard.

Sweet...there's plenty of good matches. It just doesnt feel right though. Guess my heart just isnt in it for anyone else? He's told me it destroyed him to watch his wife die and not be able to save her. I have health problems so maybe that scares him??

 

[SweetErika]

Sweet...there's plenty of good matches. It just doesnt feel right though. Guess my heart just isnt in it for anyone else? He's told me it destroyed him to watch his wife die and not be able to save her. I have health problems so maybe that scares him??

Very possible. I've watched a couple of loved ones die from cancer (most notably my mother-in-law in 2004, and we were there for the nightmarish death) and I'm very scarred from it. I can't imagine seeing my partner suffer like that. I'd like to think I'd survive and be able to move on, but I'm not sure if I would or not.

 

[Italian_and_Bi]

I can imagine. I couldnt bear to see my aunt when she was dying of brain cancer.

I had been friends with her for awhile in HS and remembered her as having been so lively and perky but when I saw a pic of her from when she was sick it was an awful contrast. The first time I saw a pic of her like that, I cried so hard. I cried for her, to see her that way, and to know she wouldnt make it. And, I cried for him. To know he had to see her that way and how it hurt him. And for all that I care for him, it made the pain I knew he felt so much more real. Last time I saw him, he showed me a pic of his "fat stage" as he likes to call it, and she was sitting next to him in the pic. She was so sick in it. I have to say Im glad Id already seen a pic of her like that because I wouldnt have wanted to cry like that in front of him.

Our last date was a week ago and Im missing him a great deal. We talked tonight, a little bit. I love being there with him. he always insists on taking care of me. If we go out, he wants to pay. Or if we stay in and make something, he has to cook. It feels so good, then there is always having to go home. He lives where I grew up and Im currently a little over an hour away....

 

[swtrthnhoney]

Enjoy and appreciate the moments with him, but no that there is no promise of any future right now. Just appreciate the present.
It sounds like he isn't ready just yet. Try to keep an open mind about it and don't put your heart on a shelf for him (sounds like you already have) just in case it doesn't work out.
If it's meant to be then it will be.

 

[Italian_and_Bi]

Very wise advice. I do appreciate every moment we have, there all perfect to me. I wish I didnt have my heart on that shelf, but sadly, its there. Ive never been good at guarding my heart. Its not a strong suit...Im a bit of a romantic. He says the same that if its meant to be, it will. So, at this point, I guess I need to figure out how to switch emotional gears and just be there as a friend. That is tricky.

 

[MsGoodBody]

.....

 

[Italian_and_Bi]

No, its downright difficult. He feels so right. He's a great dad; Ive got kids. Just so many things....maybe in time.

Just wonder why on earth this happens that you find someone when it just can be [for now]. Seems wrong...

 

[Experiencedguy]

This is a very difficult subject. But, if your feelings are really that strong, you might want to consider printing this entire thread. Give it to him the next time you see him (when the night is over). Tell him not to open it until he gets home.

You will get a response, but this is a huge gamble. Be prepared for anything if you take this approach.

 

[Italian_and_Bi]

Hi experienced. yes, my feelings really are that strong. The idea is worth a thought, but I dont know.... part of me wonders if Im patient it'll come together in time, like everyone is saying. Patience just isnt my specialty tho! I really want him happy...thats all. Like I mentioned above, we recently went to a concert. It was out of state, so a mini roadtrip. We decided id get the tickets, he'd pay for everything else. I got the best tickets I cld [he was upset I spent so much!!] because I knew how much seeing this meant to him. It was more than I could ideally afford, but seeing him happy was worth it. When he is happy and smiles, he just lights up. And seeing him smile, seeing him happy, made it worth it. It made the night for me. Maybe that right there sums up how I feel for him.