Need Help & Suggestions Pls

[Amarey]

Okay, I have been married for almost 5 years. I have always been turned on by the thought of bdsm. I am not talking about the extreme, pushing the limit bdsm. I find the erotic pain, domination, control, and authority a total turn on. I really would like to be able to experience this in my marriage. We have experimented with being tied up and blind-folded, but I really want much more. I am having a problem conveying this to my husband. We have a great marriage, have had other sexual in nature experiences together, and he is usually a generous lover overall. That being said....

I need more. I want more physical and commanding domination. I want to be made to do certain things and "punished" if not obedient. I really want this to be with my husband. I want to relinquish to him. I know the kind, giving, loving man he is and I want him to be the total opposite of that during the course of some of our sex. Variety is the spice of life, right? I have talked with him concerning this and I have tried to be explicit in what I want and how I want it. I do not want to push him, but I can tell this is a problem for him. He says he doesn't like the idea of "slapping around his wife". That isn't how I want him to view it, because I know that isn't the true him. I want it and I need it at times. I am in total control of my life and like most women need to be controlled at times and made to do things. Things I WANT TO DO.

Can anyone offer me any suggestions or ideas on how to present this to him? I am 29 and he is 30 and we have known each other since we were 15. I know some people in another forum said it may be his upbringing...and that is probably partially it, but I need to know how to present this and ways I can show him. We have no other problems in the bedroom. I just want him to understand, and it seems the things I have tried to show, or tell him aren't making him feel okay about it. Heeelp. ;-/

 

[Amarey]

Please help....

I have posted this in one or two other forums as well. Forgive me if I am bothersome. I would just like people's opinions that are in this lifestyle....

Okay, I have been married for almost 5 years. I have always been turned on by the thought of bdsm. I am not talking about the extreme, pushing the limit bdsm. I find the erotic pain, domination, control, and authority a total turn on. I really would like to be able to experience this in my marriage. We have experimented with being tied up and blind-folded, but I really want much more. I am having a problem conveying this to my husband. We have a great marriage, have had other sexual in nature experiences together, and he is usually a generous lover overall. That being said....

I need more. I want more physical and commanding domination. I want to be made to do certain things and "punished" if not obedient. I really want this to be with my husband. I want to relinquish to him. I know the kind, giving, loving man he is and I want him to be the total opposite of that during the course of some of our sex. Variety is the spice of life, right? I have talked with him concerning this and I have tried to be explicit in what I want and how I want it. I do not want to push him, but I can tell this is a problem for him. He says he doesn't like the idea of "slapping around his wife". That isn't how I want him to view it, because I know that isn't the true him. I want it and I need it at times. I am in total control of my life and like most women need to be controlled at times and made to do things. Things I WANT TO DO.

Can anyone offer me any suggestions or ideas on how to present this to him? I am 29 and he is 30 and we have known each other since we were 15. I know some people in another forum said it may be his upbringing...and that is probably partially it, but I need to know how to present this and ways I can show him. We have no other problems in the bedroom. I just want him to understand, and it seems the things I have tried to show, or tell him aren't making him feel okay about it. Heeelp. ;-/

 

[Primalex]

The local BDSM library has a section about relationships.

 

[Amarey]

Thank you. I am new to this site and am learning the navigation. I will check it out.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

You made this same post in the BDSM Talk section, which is the parent forum for this one. Presumably, one of our moderators will combine the threads so as not to waste excess pixels.

 

[Amarey]

ooh, I am sorry. I am new to this sight, and am learning my way around. I apologize. ;-(

 

[Lilac_Sky]

I would suggest reading BDSM stories here at lit (or elsewhere) and finding those that seem to resonate for you and emphasize a loving relationship. And then sharing those stories with him.

A fun, quick novel that I read a month or two ago was called "Master of the Mountain" and it was a nice story that combined BDSM with a caring relationship (and the exploration of new things). You might want to check that out (I got it on my Kindle).

 

[DVS]

Yes, reading stories that highlight what you would enjoy is a good idea. You said he might have an opinion of what BDSM is and that could be holding him back. BDSM is a term that includes a lot of different things. What you desire is minor compared to some things that would still be within the BDSM category. If you have the ability, you could maybe write your own story, with your husband as the lover you sometimes desire and you doing his bidding, just to give him some ideas.

I was also going to suggest the library, but I see Primalex beat me to it. The library is made up of threads from past discussions where someone had questions...some similar to yours. You are not the first person to be in this situation. Unfortunately, it is not at all uncommon. The library links to past threads will show you that.

You mentioned that you are a woman who is in total control of her life and need to relinquish control in the bedroom. This is a very common trait of some submissive women. I have been with quite a few who are strong in their day to day lives, some actually in charge of a business, etc. but in their sexual lives, they desire to give all of that control up and let someone else make all of the decisions. And it's not just women...men can be that way, too.

I totally understand where your husband is coming from, saying he doesn't like the idea of slapping his wife around. In fact, I would never EVER want to harm a woman in any way, out of anger. But, my sex life is totally different from that. I seek out women who enjoy receiving what I enjoy giving.

I would never desire to slap a woman, even sexually. That can be a sexual turn on for some, but not to me. Hitting or slapping above the neck is a total turn off for me. But, if you've read any of my stories or any of my posts, you know that I have other distinct desires that can cause pain for a woman. But, they are all sexual for me. We're all different and unique. What one person likes, another might not. That is partly why the BDSM area is so vast.

We have a normal day to day personality and we have a sexual personality. Sometimes, our day to day lives can bring out sexual desires that are totally opposite to who we are as people. Our minds develop ways to help us balance what we experience in life. Sometimes someone with a very demanding work day will seek out the total opposite in their sex life. It's our subconscious assisting us in coping with the stress of life.

It's not at all that uncommon to have a kinky sex life. In fact, I think the more intelligent someone is, the more their subconscious will develop in this way. So, you can see that this forum is full of very intelligent people.

 

[Etoile]

Merged.

 

[twister947]

You're asking him to step out of character, and in so doing, ignore his core values, the things that define him and make him what he is. That's asking a lot. Too much, perhaps.

I'm a sub male, and crave many of the things you do, but when I put the shoe on the other foot, and try to imagine myself doing the things I NEED to my wife, I realize how difficult that is. I couldn't do it.

 

[leyna]

I just want him to understand, and it seems the things I have tried to show, or tell him aren't making him feel okay about it. Heeelp. ;-/

very telling.