Need help reaching orgasm

[jvixen30]

I guess this is the best way to get feedback, seeing as this is anonymous! I am a 30-year-old married woman who has not been able to achieve orgasm. I have had 20 sexual partners in my life, including 3 women, and I have had quite a few different sexual experiences. I feel like I have a wide range of sexual experiences that would make some people come just thinking about! But I can't achieve orgasm. Not by myself, not with a partner. It takes a long time for me to get aroused, and it's difficult for me to get wet. Because of that, sex sometimes hurts. I've tried different lubes, and usually the best solution is to read or write stories ahead of time to get turned on, then proposition my husband for sex when I'm already wet.
When he plays with my clit, it feels good, and I almost shake when he flicks over it with his finger. So I know that the sensation is ok. But usually he tries for awhile and then I give up. It sometimes gets to the point that it is almost uncomfortable.
At what point do you know that you're close? Can someone explain this a little better to me? How long do you need constant clitoral stimulation before you orgasm? Any tips on how to get there? Thank you in advance.

 

[Reba67]

Sometimes I only need a bit of stimulation, sometimes a lot for orgasm to happen. Sometimes it doesn't.

Since you can't seem to orgasm on your own, have you seen a doctor to rule out a physical problem?

 

[Nasty_Deeds]

I guess this is the best way to get feedback, seeing as this is anonymous! I am a 30-year-old married woman who has not been able to achieve orgasm. I have had 20 sexual partners in my life, including 3 women, and I have had quite a few different sexual experiences. I feel like I have a wide range of sexual experiences that would make some people come just thinking about! But I can't achieve orgasm. Not by myself, not with a partner. It takes a long time for me to get aroused, and it's difficult for me to get wet. Because of that, sex sometimes hurts. I've tried different lubes, and usually the best solution is to read or write stories ahead of time to get turned on, then proposition my husband for sex when I'm already wet.
When he plays with my clit, it feels good, and I almost shake when he flicks over it with his finger. So I know that the sensation is ok. But usually he tries for awhile and then I give up. It sometimes gets to the point that it is almost uncomfortable.
At what point do you know that you're close? Can someone explain this a little better to me? How long do you need constant clitoral stimulation before you orgasm? Any tips on how to get there? Thank you in advance.

Have you had a check-up? Maye you have a hormonal imbalance or other medical concern that is holding you back. Maybe it will help to eliminate any physical or health problems before you look for other solutions.

 

[bailadora]

Are you on any sort of medication? Some meds (especially antidepressants) are notorious for killing the libido and/or suppressing the ability to orgasm.

How long do you need constant clitoral stimulation before you orgasm?

Every woman is different, but FWIW - I can't handle constant clit stimulation as I quickly get oversensitive. The best way that I can describe what works for me is sort of a "layering" technique. A bit of stimulation, then we do something else for a bit. More stimulation, then a short break for something else. It builds upon itself. I know I'm close when I feel a sharp focus or gathering of sensation. Not sure if that's clear as mud, but that's as best as I can describe it.

 

[SweetErika]

Get yourself a Hitachi Magic Wand w/ the attachments (that you'll be able to use for a lot of things on both of you) and allow yourself to take breaks when you feel you're reaching a plateau or getting too sensitive. If you need lube, use plenty of it. We like silicone lube the best.

Other than that, you need to relax and not worry about it. I know that's easier said than done, but just assume it'll happen at some point when you find the right combination. I find fantasizing is great for alleviating performance anxiety; if I can really get into a story or fantasy, my mind doesn't wander to whether I'm taking too long, won't get there, etc.

 

[theunknown2008]

I guess this is the best way to get feedback, seeing as this is anonymous! I am a 30-year-old married woman who has not been able to achieve orgasm. I have had 20 sexual partners in my life, including 3 women, and I have had quite a few different sexual experiences. I feel like I have a wide range of sexual experiences that would make some people come just thinking about! But I can't achieve orgasm. Not by myself, not with a partner. It takes a long time for me to get aroused, and it's difficult for me to get wet. Because of that, sex sometimes hurts. I've tried different lubes, and usually the best solution is to read or write stories ahead of time to get turned on, then proposition my husband for sex when I'm already wet.
When he plays with my clit, it feels good, and I almost shake when he flicks over it with his finger. So I know that the sensation is ok. But usually he tries for awhile and then I give up. It sometimes gets to the point that it is almost uncomfortable.
At what point do you know that you're close? Can someone explain this a little better to me? How long do you need constant clitoral stimulation before you orgasm? Any tips on how to get there? Thank you in advance.

you never had an orgasm. My advice, see a doctor, it sounds like your issues are physical.

 

[sunandshadow]

Get yourself a Hitachi Magic Wand w/ the attachments (that you'll be able to use for a lot of things on both of you) and allow yourself to take breaks when you feel you're reaching a plateau or getting too sensitive. If you need lube, use plenty of it. We like silicone lube the best.

Other than that, you need to relax and not worry about it. I know that's easier said than done, but just assume it'll happen at some point when you find the right combination. I find fantasizing is great for alleviating performance anxiety; if I can really get into a story or fantasy, my mind doesn't wander to whether I'm taking too long, won't get there, etc.

I'd also recommend lube and a vibrator. I haven't tried that one, but basically, when you feel aroused, apply lube to your clit, then gently touch the vibrator to it. If the vibe directly on the clit is uncomfortable even at the lowest setting, try a piece of soft cloth between, make sure it's soaked with lube.

One different possibility - try touching a teeny bit of toothpaste or vaporub to your clit in the shower. It will feel burny and freezing at the same time. Wash it off immediately if it is uncomfortable - don't panic, it doesn't do any damage and any discomfort will be gone in an hour or two. But the sensation can be pretty good at causing arousal, then when you get out of the shower you can either grab your husband or try a toy (perhaps a g-spot stim).

 

[silverwhisper]

jvixen quoth:
when he plays with my clit, it feels good, and i almost shake when he flicks over it with his finger. so i know that the sensation is ok. but usually he tries for awhile and then i give up. it sometimes gets to the point that it is almost uncomfortable.

if you don't mind my asking, about how long does that go on before you give up? i'm wondering if you aren't so accustomed to disappointment that this prior experience is making things harder for you.

jvixen quoth:
at what point do you know that you're close? can someone explain this a little better to me? how long do you need constant clitoral stimulation before you orgasm? any tips on how to get there?

i'm not a woman, but as the others have said, each woman is different. it may be that, rare though it be, clit stimulation isn't the way for you.

have you had any success with g spot stimulation?

ed

 

[satindesire]

I didn't have an orgasm through masturbation or with a partner until I was 20. I had pretty much given up on myself thinking "I'm broken".

My partner at the time suggested that we get a vibrator. I said, okay, sure, why not? I'm pretty willing to try something as harmless as that.

I had my very first orgasm that night.

Some women require more stimulation than a finger or tongue or penis can give them on their clitoris. I'm one of those women, and you might be one too.

Please consider purchasing one, it might just change your entire sex life!

 

[jvixen30]

I have just about every toy ever made... I get close, just can't quite push it over the edge. Question- do you ladies mostly get off on clitoral stimulation, or do any of you get off on G-spot stimulation?

 

[yuna1981]

I would second the vibrator suggestion but also suggest that if possible, you play with a detachable shower head.

 

[SweetErika]

I have just about every toy ever made... I get close, just can't quite push it over the edge. Question- do you ladies mostly get off on clitoral stimulation, or do any of you get off on G-spot stimulation?

Including the Magic Wand w/ the attachments? The attachments are important to me because I don't like the MW by itself for clit stimulation, the g-spot attachment is great for vaginal stimulation and we use the straight attachment on Hubby.

Also, are you taking breaks when you get close, but can't get over the edge?

Do you have any mental blocks to orgasming, like trauma in your past?

To answer your question, most women need, or primarily use, clitoral stimulation to come.

 

[jvixen30]

SweetErika-

When I get really stimulated but can't quite get there, usually we'll take a break and try something different for awhile and then come back to it.

Mental blocks- yes, actually, my first sexual experience was nonconsentual, and I am self conscious that I can't achieve orgasm. Most men haven't been as patient as they need to be, or when I get really stimulated, their hands or mouth get tired because it takes so long.

For those of you who have had multiple partners and maybe some extreme sexual encounters (wild and crazy stuff)- do you find that it takes more to get you turned on? Vanilla sex doesn't really cut it?

 

[SweetErika]

Mental blocks- yes, actually, my first sexual experience was nonconsentual, and I am self conscious that I can't achieve orgasm. Most men haven't been as patient as they need to be, or when I get really stimulated, their hands or mouth get tired because it takes so long.

I'm going to say this is what you need to work on, in addition to having proper stimulation (clit, g-spot or both, and seriously consider the Hitachi because it's given a lot of women their first orgasms). Put the idea of orgasming with a partner on the shelf for now, and just work on getting as close as possible by yourself. That'll take care of most of the worries, and possibly the bulk of any issues surrounding letting go in front of your partner.

If you think your assault may be part of the problem, you deserve to get help.

 

[Mz_Scarlett]

I first had sex when I was 16 and didn't have an orgasm until I was 20. I had been complaining about the lack of said orgasm to the guy who had been my first lover and he asked how I could possibly expect a partner to give me an orgasm when I didn't know the first thing about giving myself one

So I set about trying to figure myself out. Like you, I would try for awhile and then things felt over sensitive or felt like it was taking too long and I would give up. Then one day I said "screw it!", locked myself away in my dorm, and decided that I would simply keep at it until I came. I am SO glad I did! I don't remember how long it took, but it was quite awhile. I also came very close to giving up due to sensitivity, but I was determined. And trust me, you will absolutely know when the big moment arrives

I think SweetErika has a great point about getting a magic wand or another vibrator. I personally haven't tried the magic wand but have heard rave reviews about it. I am a huge fan of the Penthouse G-Spot Fantasy Vibrator. I've tried many different vibrators over the years of all shapes, sizes and materials and this has always been my favorite. I only use it on my clit and I like it because it has serious power, despite it's low price tag, and it's hard plastic vs silicone which means the vibrations are a bit more intense. You can control the speed however you like. The only thing I don't like about it is that it's on the loud side, so I would recommend using it when you have some privacy

Here's a link for easy reference-
http://www.discreet-romance.com/gspot-massagerpearl-purple-adult-sex-toys-28647.html

The last pointer I have is that I usually position the vibrator to the side of my clit vs right on top. It still gives me a great orgasm and I avoid becoming over sensitive.

To this day, I've never had an orgasm through intercourse. It feels great, but no orgasm. I don't mind since I can show my partners how to touch me or how I like toys being used on me so we both have a fantastic time. The very best is when my partner is behind me so I can use a vibrator on my clit while he climaxes inside me- bliss!

I hope this helps and feel free to PM me if you'd like to chat any further. I wish you the very best

 

[SweetErika]

I first had sex when I was 16 and didn't have an orgasm until I was 20. I had been complaining about the lack of said orgasm to the guy who had been my first lover and he asked how I could possibly expect a partner to give me an orgasm when I didn't know the first thing about giving myself one

So I set about trying to figure myself out. Like you, I would try for awhile and then things felt over sensitive or felt like it was taking too long and I would give up. Then one day I said "screw it!", locked myself away in my dorm, and decided that I would simply keep at it until I came. I am SO glad I did! I don't remember how long it took, but it was quite awhile. I also came very close to giving up due to sensitivity, but I was determined. And trust me, you will absolutely know when the big moment arrives

I think SweetErika has a great point about getting a magic wand or another vibrator. I personally haven't tried the magic wand but have heard rave reviews about it. I am a huge fan of the Penthouse G-Spot Fantasy Vibrator. I've tried many different vibrators over the years of all shapes, sizes and materials and this has always been my favorite. I only use it on my clit and I like it because it has serious power, despite it's low price tag, and it's hard plastic vs silicone which means the vibrations are a bit more intense. You can control the speed however you like. The only thing I don't like about it is that it's on the loud side, so I would recommend using it when you have some privacy

Here's a link for easy reference-
http://www.discreet-romance.com/gspot-massagerpearl-purple-adult-sex-toys-28647.html

The last pointer I have is that I usually position the vibrator to the side of my clit vs right on top. It still gives me a great orgasm and I avoid becoming over sensitive.

To this day, I've never had an orgasm through intercourse. It feels great, but no orgasm. I don't mind since I can show my partners how to touch me or how I like toys being used on me so we both have a fantastic time. The very best is when my partner is behind me so I can use a vibrator on my clit while he climaxes inside me- bliss!

I hope this helps and feel free to PM me if you'd like to chat any further. I wish you the very best

Excellent post, with lots of great info!

I suggest the Hitachi because it's the strongest, most reliable, multitasking vibe on the market, AFAIK. I usually need A LOT of focused clit stimulation to come, and the low speed (w/ the blue vinyl g-spot attachment) is more than enough. You can always find ways to dial stimulation down, but you can't make a vibe that's too weak any stronger.

For what you get, it's very inexpensive at under $60 including the attachments and shipping. I left my first one on too long without enough air circulation and shorted out the motor, but it comes with a 1-year warranty, so they replaced it for free. I don't know of any other vibe that comes with such a warranty. And we use it lots of different ways; it's my husband's favorite toy for cock and anal stimulation, as well as a decent muscle massager, too, so it's almost impossible to not find several good uses for it. Seriously, I'd buy one every year if I had to, but it's built like a tank, so this one has been through like 5 years of heavy-duty use. It's not unusual for it to last DECADES, which is pretty unheard of in the vibe world. We have tons of vibes and insertables, but they're almost never used because the Hitachi does just about everything better than them.

The only other vibe I'm really interested in trying is the Eroscillator, but that's very expensive and not a multitasker, so I'll pass unless someone wants to send me one to check out and report back on.

 

[fuckmeat]

SweetErika-

When I get really stimulated but can't quite get there, usually we'll take a break and try something different for awhile and then come back to it.

Mental blocks- yes, actually, my first sexual experience was nonconsentual, and I am self conscious that I can't achieve orgasm. Most men haven't been as patient as they need to be, or when I get really stimulated, their hands or mouth get tired because it takes so long.

For those of you who have had multiple partners and maybe some extreme sexual encounters (wild and crazy stuff)- do you find that it takes more to get you turned on? Vanilla sex doesn't really cut it?

I think this might be the core issue. To orgasm requires that you let go and give yourself up to the moment. If your first ever experience of sex was that traumatic, I can totally understand why that would be impossible for you. Once you develop a mental block like that, the whole thing self perpetuates. I could be totally wrong here but sex without orgasm is sex that you remain in control of. Women who have experienced trauma as you have and possibly been made to feel that the guy 'couldn't' control himself can develop a strong need to remain in control throughout sex, even if they trust the consensual lover they're with.

I agree with other that it's time to take this to a doctor just to rule out a medical underlying cause. Look into any meds you may be on to rule out loss of libido as a side effect. If that doesn't turn anything up, I also think you should consider therapy, to work on any trust and intimacy issues you may still have.

Finally, if you've never orgasmed, feeling close can feel the same as being about to void your bladder. If this puts you off of letting go, make sure you use the toilet beforehand. Pelvic floor exercises also couldn't hurt, especially if you've had children. Any trauma to your genitals, such as childbirth, could have affected your ability to climax.

 

[jvixen30]

I think this might be the core issue. To orgasm requires that you let go and give yourself up to the moment. If your first ever experience of sex was that traumatic, I can totally understand why that would be impossible for you. Once you develop a mental block like that, the whole thing self perpetuates. I could be totally wrong here but sex without orgasm is sex that you remain in control of. Women who have experienced trauma as you have and possibly been made to feel that the guy 'couldn't' control himself can develop a strong need to remain in control throughout sex, even if they trust the consensual lover they're with.

I agree with other that it's time to take this to a doctor just to rule out a medical underlying cause. Look into any meds you may be on to rule out loss of libido as a side effect. If that doesn't turn anything up, I also think you should consider therapy, to work on any trust and intimacy issues you may still have.

Finally, if you've never orgasmed, feeling close can feel the same as being about to void your bladder. If this puts you off of letting go, make sure you use the toilet beforehand. Pelvic floor exercises also couldn't hurt, especially if you've had children. Any trauma to your genitals, such as childbirth, could have affected your ability to climax.

That makes a lot of sense, and it's almost as if you read my mind! It's definitely true that I feel that I need to be in control of myself during sex. With most of my sexual partners, I haven't wanted to give them that type of control over me, and even now, with my husband, when he isn't patient, I feel like I'd rather go without an orgasm than try to force it. I will try to work on things by myself.
If I can ask- I know the feeling, where it feels like you're about to pee. Usually I get that with G-spot stimulation- with fingers inside me, and curled up towards my pubic bone, that's usually when I get that feeling. After you start getting that feeling, what's the next step? I mean, I know you should keep doing what you're doing, but is there another feeling that you can describe to know that I'm close? How long do you usually feel like you're about to pee before you come?

 

[jvixen30]

I first had sex when I was 16 and didn't have an orgasm until I was 20. I had been complaining about the lack of said orgasm to the guy who had been my first lover and he asked how I could possibly expect a partner to give me an orgasm when I didn't know the first thing about giving myself one

The last pointer I have is that I usually position the vibrator to the side of my clit vs right on top. It still gives me a great orgasm and I avoid becoming over sensitive.

To this day, I've never had an orgasm through intercourse. It feels great, but no orgasm. I don't mind since I can show my partners how to touch me or how I like toys being used on me so we both have a fantastic time. The very best is when my partner is behind me so I can use a vibrator on my clit while he climaxes inside me- bliss!

I hope this helps and feel free to PM me if you'd like to chat any further. I wish you the very best

Thank you for the advice, and I would like to PM you... but it says that I've turned of PM options? I don't know how to fix that so that I can private message? Sorry, any help?

 

[sunandshadow]

To me, the sensation of being about to come soon is a combination of "catching on fire" and tightening. I never particularly felt like I needed to pee, although I can sorta see how the sensation of g-spot stim causing gushing is similar.

You're asking "how long" but it's different between one time and another. If I'm really aroused and I hop into bed, close my eyes, and put a vibe on my clit and a bullet against my g-spot, I might come un under 5 minutes. That's unusual, and generally makes me feel like it was over too fast (since I'm not multiorgasmic, one and I'm done). If I'm not aroused at all I might play with a vibrator for 45 mins and fall asleep out of boredom without getting particularly close to orgasm. If I just woke up from a nice dream I might be horny as hell yet my body will be too sleepy to cooperate, so nothing will happen until it wakes up. If I am a little aroused, and I can actually focus my imagination on something hot, I will probably get to an orgasm in between 20 mins and half an hour. So that's how long it takes me for an average masturbation session, but there's a huge amount of variance.

Anyway, I'd say pick a time when you're not too tired or in any discomfort, preferably when it's dark out, go in bed, apply lube, apply the vibe, be patient for up to an hour, use your imagination, and see what happens.