Need Help/Advice with Hubby

[vestalvirgin]

I was in a similar position (my husband of 25 years stopped having sex with me about 5 years ago. Every time he came near me, he lost his erection). Finally two years ago he told me it was my fault because I was boring, not adventurous in bed, and unattractive. That he could get it up while watching porn.

He had other problems too ( he is an alcoholic) but what he said above almost destroyed me. I got involved with another man and it was the best sex I had and it made me realize I was attractive, that the problem was him, not me. He found out about it and we eventually separated last year. I'm so much at peace now, although I miss him a lot. It's been very hard but totally worth it

 

[LadyVer]

Love is having sex with your wife instead of with strangers over the phone or the Internet.

 

[LadyVer]

That's not love that's just being faithful.

Well, I try not to give advice. But I do know what it's like to be married toa man who didn't want to have sex with me. It didn't feel like love. Actually, it almost drove me crazy. After I left, it took him two months to find his next wife. I understand they're both miserable, and he blames me for his "having" to marry her.

 

[LadyVer]

What a dickhead.

Well, he obviously still thought I would buy into his bullshit. Geeze. This was 20 years later when he told me this at an event for one of our kids. I hadn't see him in 20 years either. You would think he would have had something more productive going on in his life besides telling his ex-wife it was her fault he had to marry his curent wife. And they say women are hard to understand.

 

[akatrex]

Sounds like he has a Porn Addiction Problem.

 

[Cumference]

If he resists professional help, leave him or have him accept an "open marriage".





..... and remember to have lots of premarital sex the next time!

(Who would buy a car without taking it for a test drive? Nobody would be that stoopid!
And yet a lot of people consider it "right" not to know the person they intend to stay with "forever after")

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

This is your classic WHY DONT YOU, YES BUT, BALL BUSTER BOOGIE.

You people are dolts to get sucked in.

 

[dandy_ont]

Frenchie, I don't know if you still check this thread but I have one suggestion to offer. You said he refuses to go to counselling. I assume that was JOINT counselling. My suggestion is to find a capable counsellor and go YOURSELF. You asked for help here, but I suggest you ask a professional.

 

[FrenchieDivine]

Thank you all so very much. I cried reading many of your responses. I do truly love him, but when you can't give yourself sexually to your spouse, over time resentment builds, our trust is out the window and I am developing self esteem issues. After I read all of your responses, I attempted speaking with him, we couldn't be candid because my son was home and I will attempt again. He said he thinks I am beautiful, and he has often spoke of what a freaky sex life he had with his ex wife, which again baffles me. I asked him why not me then, his response, "I don't want to make you dirty." I without hesitation said, "I would love for you to make me dirty." He did say that he gets off on talking to women, the thrill of the chase type of thing and I explained that if he put that effort into our sex life, he wouldn't be able to think of anything else but us. I do need to seek counseling on my own, for me, not for him, because this has hurt me deeply. We are suppose to talk again about this in the coming week, when we can be truly alone, and if he can't give me answers or at least try, I can't stay. Bottom line, I don't want to have an affair, I want him, but if he can't at least try, then we are simply roommates and I do the cooking. The love is there, but the disrespect bothers me beyond words. I can't thank you all enough for your excellent advice, I am so grateful, and you all have made me feel very welcome here and it feels good to be able to talk about sex with people and not be judged. I should explore some of the other boards here, and keep writing my erotic fiction, that is my release these days. Again thank you all so sincerely.

 

[Que]

He has a whore madonna complex.

A REALLY unhealthy case of it.

Good news is he thinks his ex is a whore...bad news is you are not.

His "respect" for you in the madonna role comes from a very dark, evil place likely born in repression.

A therapist that sees a lot of sex addicts might be able to get through to him to explain to him why his belief system is a) flawed b) unhealthy c) patronizing d) going to cost him his marriage.

Unfortunately, He does not seem to have an internal track capable of such self analysis much less the ability to turn to others.

So, I still vote get out.

Sorry.

 

[drinkz]

Hey NightL, whine much?

 

[NightL]

You have just this one life to live and he is playing with you, flaunting his infidelities in front of you.

I wouldn't want that type of person in my life or wish them on anyone. Your son most certainly does not need someone mistreating his mother. Think about that very carefully. Your son comes before anyone else. If you recognise your self-esteem is being impacted he is already coming between you and your son... and he is playing with that.

What he is doing is abuse, may not be violent (yet) but it is outright abuse. This is in reference to admitting the chase for other women and discussing his sex life with his previous wife while denying you. It is outright abuse.

Next time he is out change the locks and dump his possessions on the street. Totally serious.

Do you really love him or just love the idea of being in love?

 

[drinkz]

Hey NightL, whine much?

 

[NightL]

Deserves to be quoted... just so no one forgets

I have to disagree. This is the thing that leads to most problems. She comes first. There's no way she can be the best she can be if she continuously puts someone else first. Without putting herself first, it isn't possible to put her son first.


Yeah... That's the adult way to do things. Like it or not, she still should be a good role model for her son. That includes being an adult when the times get tough.

Did I just read that? Wow!!!

That is one hell of a role model you suggested - stick around while someone continues to destroy their self esteem. Oh, in front of their child as well.

The welfare of a child always come first - ALWAYS. This is not an aeroplane and air masks - while the parent is still breathing the welfare of their child always comes first. You are suggesting that a child's welfare be sacrificed while a mother takes her time to sort out how she may deal with the issue of being manipulated and abused. Great idea of a role model. Your idea of being an adult and parent is vastly different than mine.

Shakes head in wonderment.

 

[drinkz]

Hey NightL, whine much?

 

[FGB]

frenchie, if you've been on HT for a while, you've no doubt seen my posts. but please remember that none of us know you or your husband, and that no matter how fair-minded you are, there is almost certainly some important piece of the puzzle that is missing, if only his perception.

what you're describing about him does not paint a very nice picture of him. i think you know that. so i think that you need to ask him two simple questions: does he still want to be married to you, and does he still love you?

and i think you need to be prepared for the answer to either/both to be no.

if the answer to both is yes though, then he needs an ultimatum: this lack of sex and his dirty chatting with others is unacceptable and if he refuses to work with you on changing things, there's no point in staying together.

because there isn't: he isn't respecting you as a woman, never mind a lover or life partner.

when a wife has to beg her husband to give him a hummer and he does nothing in response? that's fucked up, frenchie.

and i think you know that, too.

ed

I vote for this one!

 

[IntmtStrngr]

hey..

I don't know if this has been raised yet or not, I didn't read through all the replies.
Have tried getting to him through the computer?