Need Feedback On My First Story

[bobwhitecrow]

My name is bobwhitecrow and I submitted my first story to Literotica. The title is "The Research Project" and is in the Erotic Couplings category. I would like to hear from readers, writers and editors. How can I improve it? It can be found at:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=72329

Thank you for any suggestions that may be given.

 

[oggbashan]

Conversation

"What is the use of a book", thought Alice "without pictures or conversations". Lewis Carroll: Alice in Wonderland.

That is what I missed in your story.

Conversations
Although you wrote in the present tense, conversation makes the action more immediate. If you had given the whispered conversation between them when "I" said what "I" wanted to do to "You", there would have been more erotic impact.

Pictures
The "I" and "You" is my other concern about this story. I would have liked the characters to have more personality which names might give them. As the story stands I have difficulty relating to the people because they don't exist for me. If they had names and the project was something that led to excitement e.g. discovering that the ancestor of the Town's Mayor was the son of the local madam, then that would lead into the action.

Apart from those points I thought that the story was well written. If there had been more personalisation it could have been better.

Og

 

[violent intimacy]

I thought your story was well-written and very readable. However, it seemed lacking in personalized emotion. Now, in general, I like (and indeed, even prefer) stories written without names. But the way you wrote it seemed to have both personalities as "dominant" in the telling and that didn't work too well for me as the reader. By that I mean it was as if you were telling it from both people's viewpoints.

When reading stories that don't apply names to any of the parties, I like to feel that at least one of them is telling the story. As in "I did this. I noticed you doing that as I did this other thing." It brings me into the story as if I was the person doing the telling. As if I was the "I" in the story.

Does that make sense?

 

[bobwhitecrow]

Thank you for the feedback. I understand and have made note for my 3rd submission. I have one currently pending. It is also in Erotic Couplings and is called "A Walk On The Beach". It is at:
http://members.literotica.com:81/members/submissions_submit_story.php?storyid=88331

 

[violent intimacy]

I can't read it until it's been approved. So please post a link when it's up and I'll be sure to take a peek at it

 

[Wicked-N-Erotic]

Hello Bob,

First let me say congrats on your first story. Now, the feedback. The plot was a nice place to start building, lots of room for erotic scenes. I'll start with my personal #1 pet peeve, descriptions, I love lots and lots of descriptions in a story. Paint me the picture with your words. The story itself is short enough to allow room for more descriptions. The sex scene could really be spicier with more description, succulent breasts, creamy thighs, etc. For instance, your opening paragraph is nice, it starts to really give you a picture. However, IMO, it could use a little more,

We need to do a research project so we go to an old library in a nearby neighborhood. It's in an older section of town. The houses, at one time, had been homes for the town's elite.

(perhaps you could elaborate on the houses and how they once looked, talk of the sparkling chandeliers that hung gracefully from the ceilings and the shutters that once stood straight and proud next to the windows that now slumped sadly and clung desperatley to the rusty nails.)

Now they are run down and will require a lot of renovation to bring them to any semblance of their former selves. It seems a shame for them to be in such disrepair.

I won't go through each paragraph to point out where I think more details could have been added, I'm sure you get the idea. Also shouldn't they have been a bit more nervous about being caught, would have made it more realistic.

Next is word repetition

I lift your blouse and run my beard on your nipples and my tongue over your breasts. I bite lightly on your nipples. I press your breasts together and suck both nipples into my mouth at once. At the same time, I reach under your skirt and slide my hands up your thighs, sucking as much of your breasts in my mouth, as I can. At the same time I am running my tongue over your nipples.

Here instead of using the word nipples so much mix it up a little with , buds, nubs, or even just a word to enhance the word 'nipples' like, 'pert nipples or 'erect nipples'.

I was glad to see that you stayed away from sizes, not one mention of her breasts being 40 Double D or him having a 9 inch cock.

Making it longer with adding more detail I think will get you better reviews. IMO, those people who don't care for the 'I' and 'you' perspective can be drawn in with the extra added details.
You have a very readble first story, keep at it and good luck on your future works.


Wicked

My Stories

 

[bobwhitecrow]

2nd Story Has Been Approved

My second story has been approved. It is also in Erotic Couplings and is titled "A Walk On The Beach". It can be found at:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=88331

It is somewhat of a romantic story. I would like to think it is better written and edited than my first. It may not have quite the detail that it should have, but I plan to incorporate the suggestions received here in my 3rd story, which is a "Fractured Fairy Tale", very loosely based on a famous childrens' story about a wolf.

Thaks for the input and please keep the feedback coming.

 

[bobwhitecrow]

2nd Story Has Been Approved

My second story has been approved. It is also in Erotic Couplings and is titled "A Walk On The Beach". It can be found at:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=88331

It is somewhat of a romantic story. I would like to think it is better written and edited than my first. It may not have quite the detail that it should have, but I plan to incorporate the suggestions received here in my 3rd story, which is a "Fractured Fairy Tale", very loosely based on a famous childrens' story about a wolf.

Thaks for the input and please keep the feedback coming.