need feedback on first story

[joiphulone]

Hi everyone,

I have just submitted my first story with a part II waiting to be accepted. I am thrilled to have joined such a fantastic site! My question is, I have received a comment on my story by someone as anonymous. Is there anyway that I can respond to this person?

I am anxiously waiting for more feedback, and can't wait for the results of my part II. Part II has an incredible twist in it that is so exciting....I am currently working on Part III. I am not sure if this is the one that will end string or not. It will depend on the comments I get from the readers.

I also have some great ideas on oral sex specifically. What category should I post that under?

Thanks!
joiphulone

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=133313

 

[Hotcappucino]

The details and the progression of your story are very good. Your spelling is excellent, grammar very good (one tense error that I could see) and punctuation is good for the most part, but I'd look at rephrasing some of your sentences to make them a bit tighter. For example:
The room was dark after she shut the door without a word.
Try
Without a word, she shut the door, leaving them in the dark.

... but he remembered that he could not reach out to her and touch her.
Try
... but he remembered that he could not reach out and touch her.

He could hear her breathing become more deep ...
Try
He could hear her breathing become deeper ... or
He could hear her breathing deepening ...

He heard a rip as she tore his top right off his well formed body.
Don't know if I'd use the word "top" when referring to a man's shirt. It's usually used to refer to a woman's garment.

Other suggestions:
Put in more dialog. For example, in the first paragraph:

He tried to ask her what was going on and she just snapped at him and told him to shut up unless asked to speak.

Instead of describing what's being said, actually write the dialog out. I think that would add more life to the story, as well as giving us a better feel for your characters:

"What's going ..." he asked.
"Shut up, dog," she snapped back at him. "You shall speak to me only if I ask you to."

Or something along those lines. Same suggestion with the line where you write She told him to just lie there and not try to move.

I'll finish off by mentioning that the central idea is very clever. When I first started reading it, I had questions as to how believeable it was. Would a true Master/Dom get pleasure from being a Slave/Sub, and vice-versa? I confess to not knowing about the whole BDSM mindset/culture, but someone with whom I've corresponded indicated that people are pretty much one or the other. I have heard of "switches" but don't know how common that personality type is. If I had to categorize myself as one or the other, I would probably say Master/Dom, only because I can't picture myself enjoying being a Slave/Sub. But maybe I'm just narrow-minded .

But then the bit of dialog (or monologue, probably more correctly) at the end was very interesting. Here you have the normally Sub woman, who is now in the Dominant role, speaking as if she were still the Sub. And some of her actions in the story were more Sub-like, such as undoing & unzipping his pants with her mouth. So I guess that brought the believability level back up for me, since she still displayed her underlying Sub nature and didn't really have him do anything which would be construed as being Sub.

A nice little short story and I'm very interested to see where you take it.

 

[Bizkit_Writer]

replying to annonymous

You can't really reply to feedback unless you write the person at his or her personal email which sometimes they don't put in their messages

Happy writing!

 

[joiphulone]

Thanks Bizkit Writer!

My email address is joiphulone@yahoo.com

I appreciate any honest feedback you have to offer. I am truly looking to improve myself to the benefit of the readers.

Joiphulone

 

[joiphulone]

Thanks Hot Cappucino!

Did you get my private email I sent to you in regards to your response?

I do appreciate you taking the time to read and give me some very good feedback as to what I can do to improve. I especially agree with adding more dialog.

I will work on adding that into my new stories!

 

[Hotcappucino]

Hi, Joiphulone:

Yes, I did get your message. I've just captured your Changing Of The Roles Chapter 2, but haven't read it yet. Sometimes it can take me a while before I get the time & energy to read a story and critique it. I'll probably have time within the next few days to get to it. Thanks for appreciating my previous response.

HC

 

[joiphulone]

Hi Hot Cappucino,

Thanks for taking the time to check out my chapter 2. It is read best after reading chapter 1. I find that if you read chp 2 alone it does not read well. The reader is brought in the middle of a story and not sure how they got there. I certainly have learned not to separate a story like that anymore.

Thanks again for your time! I greatly appreciate it!

Joiphulone

 

[Buck Funkenstein]

If I was to rate your story on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being best then you would get a -------5

 

[joiphulone]

Thanks Buck! I appreciate the feedback.

If you would be so inclined to let me know how I could have made it better for you I would appreciate knowing how I could do that.

Again, thanks for your time!

Joiphulone

 

[Hotcappucino]

Hi, Joiphulone:

Chapter 2 should definitely be appended to the end of Chapter 1; it really can't stand on it's own.

A lot of the story appears too methodical. He did this, she did this, he heard that, he felt this, etc. And some of the phrasing is a little awkward. Try rewording some of the phrasing and adding more filler. And there's the same lack of dialog that I pointed out in Chapter 1.

To me, there was too much contradiction in what the man was feeling. Was it anger or was it pleasure? His anger when he frees himself doesn't seem consistent with his feelings while he was captive. In Chapter 1, I didn't have a sense that he was angry at being bound. In fact, it seems like he was enjoying the situation. Likewise at the beginning of Chapter 2.

Then, when he finally freed himself, he appeared furious. Was he pretending to be angry and just playing out the role of Master? I didn't get that from the story. If he were truly angry, I think it would have helped to convey that throughout Chapter 1 and into Chapter 2. Maybe he could have been cursing her in his thoughts or thinking of ways to extract revenge or seething beneath his gag.

Punctuation got a little sloppy towards the end; maybe you were in a rush to finish.

The story as a whole (i.e., Chapters 1 & 2 together) has potential but I think you'll need to rework it a bit to get consistently good ratings.

 

[joiphulone]

Thanks Hot Capuccino again,

My question to you is: Are you a professional writer or editor?

Your feedback is awesome! I appreciate you taking your time to read my story and for giving some very good constructive feedback.

I have taken your comments and have been attempting to apply them to some new stories that I have not submitted yet.

I have really been trying to add diaglog to my stories to bring them to life and to add more about what else is going on around the characters.

I have also, already learned not to stop a story in the middle like I did with my first two submissions.

Thanks again!

Joiphulone