Need Feedback for - A Slut's Triangle

[Kantarii]

I have finally got the reedited version of chapter 1 of "A Slut's Triangle" posted.

I am not really looking for feed back on punctuation/grammar. I know I'm not perfect in that area, but the initial chapter is readable. I'm looking for feedback on mood, plot, and the overall flow of the story.
Kant

 

[Kantarii]

Deleted

 

[DreamCloud]

The topic is a little off my radar, but I gave the first chapter a read. Overall, it is well written. I'm not a grammar nazi and will leave those comments to others. Just a note: the semi-colons didn't bother me at all. Paint how you want.

I think the intro should be mixed into the story. It would have been better to figure Ashleigh out over time then to be given a manual. It's more difficult to write but tends to hold people's attention longer. Mystery makes people turn the page.

Watch sentences like:
The soothing, rhythmic motions of his hips rocking my world with each thrust are out of this world.

Two uses of 'world' when one would have been more effective. A reader doesn't need additional emphasis within the same sentence. It can actually distract from your meaning to do so.

Ashleigh should have admitted to herself that Kryss is a jerk. She could still need him and know that he's an asshole. You would have to be pretty clueless not to see it.

 

[Kantarii]

The topic is a little off my radar, but I gave the first chapter a read. Overall, it is well written. I'm not a grammar nazi and will leave those comments to others. Just a note: the semi-colons didn't bother me at all. Paint how you want.

I think the intro should be mixed into the story. It would have been better to figure Ashleigh out over time then to be given a manual. It's more difficult to write but tends to hold people's attention longer. Mystery makes people turn the page.

Watch sentences like:
The soothing, rhythmic motions of his hips rocking my world with each thrust are out of this world.

Two uses of 'world' when one would have been more effective. A reader doesn't need additional emphasis within the same sentence. It can actually distract from your meaning to do so.

Ashleigh should have admitted to herself that Kryss is a jerk. She could still need him and know that he's an asshole. You would have to be pretty clueless not to see it.

Overall, I was pleased with my final edit of the first chapter, but I am not bullheaded enough to not consider further editing suggestions to improve the first chapter. I appreciate you reading it and offering constructive feedback despite it being off your radar.

The intro was meant to give a basic overview of Ashleigh, something I could build off and expand on through the chapters. Ashleigh is pretty weak minded in a sense as a character. If you decide to read further chapters, you will see Brenda is the main supporting character that helps Ashleigh shine beyond her character flaws; without her Ashleigh would be lost in Kryss's triangle clueless of what is really going on.

I really don't care how people feel about my semi colon usage. That's kind of my writing style. I'm not afraid to use it or overuse it. I treat it like a footprintKant

 

[Kantarii]

Deleted

 

[ShyTammy]

Hi Kantarii,

I like your writing and I absolutely love the fact that you don't address transition much, so many gender focused stories are based on that, I am guilty of it myself sometimes. I did have some feedback below.

I read the first chapter and I may have been biased seeing that there are a lot of chapters to the story, but I kind of expected the first chapter to set up some objective or goal to drive the plot. I haven't read any of the others yet so I don't know if you do this later, but from some fucking and unrequited love I am not sure at the end where it is all headed.

I also agree with the previous comment that just jumping into the story and filtering in backstory details is more engaging.

 

[Kantarii]

Hi Kantarii,

I like your writing and I absolutely love the fact that you don't address transition much, so many gender focused stories are based on that, I am guilty of it myself sometimes. I did have some feedback below.

I read the first chapter and I may have been biased seeing that there are a lot of chapters to the story, but I kind of expected the first chapter to set up some objective or goal to drive the plot. I haven't read any of the others yet so I don't know if you do this later, but from some fucking and unrequited love I am not sure at the end where it is all headed.

I also agree with the previous comment that just jumping into the story and filtering in backstory details is more engaging.

I tend to shy away from the whole transitioning theme that saturates the category of transexuals & cross dressers. I also shy away from walking the reader through the process of getting dressed. I'm all about writing a story that shows people that transvestites are colorful people that I like to plug into real world scenarios. Why? Because I'm not in the porn industry, a sexual object to be chased and worshipped, nor a sex toy. I have feelings, I am a human being trying to navigate what life throws at me.

The storyline is about a transvestite trying to break his/her obsession with cock, slowly realizing that happiness won't be found with another man... And on the flip side, it's about a woman that falls in love with the transvestite from an initial curiosity. They both happen to be sharing the same boyfriend and are caught up in the deceit of a love triangle. Kant
Hopefully, you will read further and see the plot unfold.